"Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage;
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for an hermitage;
If I have freedom in my love
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone, that soar above,
Enjoy such liberty."
~ Richard Lovelace, from the poem "To Althea from Prison"

Hi all,

The bulk of this newsletter was inspired by some random musings on the JABB YG.  The final part was inspired by one of JABB's "holidays": The Commemoration of the Murder Trial that Wasn't (then Was) which is Tuesday.  But more on that later.  Before I move into the actual content of this newsletter, I just wanted to thank Nicole and Yvette for their help!

God bless,

Disclaimers that Should Be on Onthisside.net

During our discussions on the YahooGroup, some of us realized that there are certain commonalities and experiences JABB members share.  I joked that, perhaps, we should warn potential members by posting disclaimers like the following on onthisside.net:

“Exposure to JABB may cause insomnia.  Other symptoms may include crying over pocket watches, the desire to cuddle AODs, and/or unexplained feelings of anxiety followed by the desire to coo ‘love the lovely angel’ or ‘poor Andrew!’  Abuse of caffeine or at least increased use of it has been reported. If you see a glowing blonde man outside your TV or computer, call 911 or equivalent immediately.”

Some others I thought might be good ideas:

"No one at JABB will accept financial or psychological responsibility if the reading of JABB newsletters, stories, or YG posts causes you to become obsessed with another TV show, film, musician, actor, etc.  If you spend your days hanging on Vincent's every lyrical word, pondering the ins and outs of vampire-human relationships, listening to music that seems to have been written by a great Storyteller with a fondness for a lady in red, or experience the song 'Dearly Beloved' by Faith Hill looping through your mind consistently for days on end... admit it, you're enjoying it.  Can't blame us!"

"After spending enough time with JABB, particularly the JABB YG, you may find yourself developing a deep but fairly embittered interest in Andrew's friendships with Monica and Tess.  Particularly the former.  Episodes of TBAA that you formerly watched quite happily may cause angst and anger.  You may feel the need to scream at Monica a bit.  Heck, you may even pull out a copy of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) or other psychological manuals and texts and start making diagnoses to determine why Monica seems so flipping clueless about Andrew's feelings lots of the time and why Tess made that terrible gaffe about Monica being so special to her in "Clipped Wings."  With Andrew sitting right there!!!  Blame them!  Not us."

I then asked others what disclaimers they felt should be added and Nicole offered the following:

"After enough time at JABB, you may at some point experience issues with your phone or Internet. We do not know why this occurs, but we will not be held responsible for this rather annoying incident. It can be strenuous on the dedicated Androoler, being cut off from the group. This in turn, may lead to an upset stomach, raised blood pressure, sweating, and/or insomnia. We will not be held responsible for any of this, either. Please contact your Internet or telephone service provider and pray they show up."
"If you end up in the psych ward of your local hospital, we at JABB will not accept the blame, nor will we pay your medical bills (we're saving for when we may have to pay our own mental health bills). We can try and come visit you, if you're not too far away, and we can also try and convince people that you are truly a sane person. Cause we know you are. Sometimes people just mistake extreme Androolism as some sort of mental illness and that's a very sad thing. So we'll try our best to set your record straight as a normal human being. Except if they start to come after us, we might have to run. Sorry. Anyhow, if ya get committed, you can't sue us or anything like that cause that's what this little paragraph is for."
"Please view all newsletters and photo galleries on this site at your own risk. They do contain explicit images that may cause you to either faint or fall out of your chair from sheer swooniness. Please do not ask us to remove these dangerous images, as it is quite impossible for us to do so because every time we try, we either a) become understandably distracted, or b) fall out of out own chairs. So as you can see, it is not exactly an easily achievable task. This is a fair warning and because of this, we will not be held responsible for any concussions or cracked skulls from impact with your floor. And if you find that you *must* view these images, we do advise you place a generous amount of pillows on the ground around you. Thank you."

Yep, we should probly post some of those...  Anyhow, then we also got to talking about various want ads we or our Dyeland counterparts would run in newspapers. So...

Want Ads- Dyeland and Real Life

First from Yvette on behalf of her Dyeland characters:

Needed, candy tester for new invention. 
You will not blow up like a blueberry or be sent through Wonkavision. 

Address inquiries to Willy Wonka at Pure Imagination. 
Not to worry I take good care of all my guests.

Wanted, new cabinet space for candy and other assorted gifts. 
Please contact Yva at Heavenly Playground and don't forget to bring a tool belt.

Wanted, a new way to keep turkeys out of trouble. 
Address inquiries to Adam. 

And if your idea is used, I will gladly give
credit / blame where it's due. 
Just a little joke there.

Wanted, co-pilot for hot air balloon.  Address inquiries to Adam. 
I need a new line of jokes for the Dyeland tours, so bring joke book with you to interview.

And from yours truly:

One lawyer with a penchant for zany cases. 
Needed to pursue lawsuits against CBS for taking away Andrew, Monica for neglect,
and Manion for the infliction of a severe case of heebie-jeebies. 

Free to a Good Home:
12 bridal magazines and "Guide to the Best Wedding Locales in Dyeland."
Turns out I won't be needing them.  Seeing them is bumming me out.
Oooh Andrew's outside!  Love the lovely angel...
Oh, yeah, uh contact LJA.  Bye!

And from Nicole:

Must be female, must believe in Angels of Death, must like vampires,
must have access to tie-dyed Top Ten straitjackets.

Green Flannel Shirt
Garment contains the name "Andrew" written on the tag inside.
Will return to owner for reward of free passage into Dyeland.


Angel of Death
Preferably one with lovely blonde hair, incredible green eyes,
looks amazing in jeans, toolbelts, and green shirts.

Also must wear flannel shirts on a regular enough basis, weather permitting.

Recapping "Nor Iron Bars a Cage"

Gotta say, kinda ran outta ideas for the "Commemoration" issues.  So about all I could think of that got further than a couple lines was to recap my murder trial story found in JABB 163.  Sometimes in a rather sarcastic manner.  What I did was go scene by scene and come up with lil synopses.  If you've not read that story but had intent to, probly don't read this first as spoilers abound.  Here goes:

Scene 1- JenniAnn, Jess, and stock characters scream about Andrew potentially appearing on stage in a loin cloth.  Adam arrives with bad news.  Andrew is in jail.  Sadness ensues.

Scene 2- Monica and Andrew get fake last names.  Monica writes an article about Andrew's trial.  It is not hugely supportive and instead pretty objective.  Yeah, that seems fitting for her...

Scene 3- Andrew and Adam chat.  Andrew is sarcastic.  I guess prison life doesn't agree with him.  Imagine that.  FAN's efforts are described.  LJA has become a dispassionate Martha Stewart. 

Scene 4- Andrew sends a heartbreaking prayer to God.  Mysterious music fills the air.  It is not Eric from "Phantom of the Opera."  Thank God.

Scene 5- Andrew is cheerier as he shows up for opening day of the trial.  But it turns out Eben, a demon, is the jury foreman.  Duh, duh, duh...

Scene 6- Adam reads one of Monica's articles aloud to the Dyelanders.  Everyone misses Andrew.  The author throws in a cameo by Lulu, Andrew's dog, to up the pathos level. 

Scene 7- Gloria testifies.  Tess gets annoyed.  Adam coughs and saves the day.  Yay for coughing!

Scene 8- Andrew takes the stand and testifies beautifully.  Dyelanders are entranced.  Andrew talks about prayer.  Yay God!  The defense attorney (Sinclair) starts to crack.

Scene 9- An unknown woman runs around the courtyard declaring Andrew's guilt.  Eben looks on... Muhahaha!

Scene 10- Sinclair tells the judge about the hysterical woman he wants to introduce as a witness.  Judge uses the word "darn."  This is apparently written before the "No swear words in JABB except 'damn' cause Adam used it so it must be okay" rule went into place.

Scene 11- The judge okays the new witness outta concern about civil unrest.

Scene 12- Another newspaper article from Monica.  Hysterical woman turns out to be the murder victim's girlfriend.  Or was she???

Scene 13- Nope, Stella's in league with Eben.  Drat.

Scene 14- Sinclair visits Andrew in jail.  Andrew is beatific and speaks admiringly of his friends.  Sinclair is shaken and speaks pessimistically.  Then sees Andrew glow...  More mysterious music...

Scene 15- The verdict is in!!!  Andrew's leather jacket makes a cameo appearance!!!  To up the handsomeness level!

Scene 16- Sinclair did it!  Andrew gets his leather jacket back and is swarmed by friends.

Scene 17- The verdict turns into a dove!  Andrew visits Sinclair in jail this time.  He does his revelation scene.  Sinclair prays.  Yay.

Scene 18- Turns out JenniAnn was playing the "Feather on the Breath of God" CD for Andrew's benefit every night.  Because she's a sap.  An unrequited sap.

Scene 19- Andrew is enthusiastically greeted by a party at Monica's Cafe.  Gloria rambles about amaretto.  JenniAnn feels guilty about the years of murder trial jokes.  Andrew hugs her.  Aww.  Monica hugs Andrew.  Quick!  Someone take a photo!  And she even gives him a thermos of orange juice and ginger ale.  There is hope!!!  Adam does his Elvis impersonation.  Everyone parties.  The End.

JABB 247

(The photographs used on this page are from "Touched by an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon Water Productions.  They are not being used to seek profit.)