can't deny laughter; when it
it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants."
~Stephen King, Hearts in
Well... this issue didn't turn out quite like I intended it
to. For those who don't know, I purchased a house last
Tuesday. So I've been crazy-busy with paperwork and insurance
quotes and paint swatches. All that with work thrown in!
Usually when I get time crunched I write some Dyeland bit as Lady
JenniAnn since those remain the quickest issues to write.
However, I've not even had time for that. I considered taking a
page from JABB
96 and sending ya'll a rerun but I decided to only partially borrow
from it (see the note below).
Anyhow, I'm making this excuse for myself, I got someone else to make
an excuse for LJA again, and I'm throwing in the lone top ten I was
able to throw together in honor of the "Commemoration of the Murder
Trial that Wasn't then Was" which is today. Enjoy!
PS- If anyone feels they've been completely cheated outta a proper JABB
219, perhaps the Season
4 TBAA photo gallery I've begun work on will ease your sense of
PPS- Happy Mother's Day to all the moms!
excuse my goddaughter and cousin, Lady JenniAnn Dwynwen
Chandler, from this JABB newsletter. She has become very busy
watching repeated episodes of a television show entitled "Prison
Break." I am informed she intends to make practical use of what
she learns from the show in the event Andrew is ever falsely imprisoned
again. I am frightened...
urges me to assure you that regular JABB newsletters will
resume in two weeks.
need to go now. She is trying to bake a metal file into
cornbread. I smell smoke.
Ten Things You Should NOT Do if Andrew is Arrested
Inform TPTB at the jail that orange and/or black and white
stripes do not become Andrew and attempt to get them to switch to
something like tourmaline or sea foam. I'm thinking it's a no-go.
Try to recreate Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison concert to inspire
Andrew and his fellow prisoners. A nice thought, certainly, but
I'm pretty confident Tess will pitch a fit if you try to sing "Jackson"
with Adam. And Monica will try to sing "Joe Bean" thinking it's
about coffee. It's really, really not...
Insist that you be Andrew's one phone call from jail and then just
entire conversation sobbing and banging the phone on the wall in anger.
7. Show up with a Monopoly "Get Out of Jail Free" card and
inform the warden you'd like to use it for Andrew.
Show up at the jail and inform the warden you're there
for a conjugal visit. That's just so wrong...
Immediately set to work writing a screenplay about Andrew breaking
out of jail and then stalk Morgan Freeman until he agrees to
your film. (Does anyone get that one??? I love that
Along that same vein, don't buy Andrew a racy Rita
Hayworth poster. That's gonna look real suspicious to any guards
who might read Stephen King or watch movies adapted from his
writing. (Seriously, if you've not seen "The Shawshank
Redemption" you MUST.)
3. Scour the jail for signs of Eric Manion or Bob, that loser
from "The Billionaire Boys Club," so you can play a live game of "Date,
Dump, or Marry?- Angel of Death, Pervy District Attorney, or Lame
Yes-Man Notary." (For the record, my answer would be date Bob
just long enough to berate him a bit for being a murderous pushover,
dump Manion for being one twisted guy, and, naturally, marry Andrew for
being Andrew. Swoon...)
Wear a T-shirt that
says "The angel of death I'm madly
obsessed with was falsely imprisoned and all I got was this stupid
shirt." Not only is that a lil long for a novelty T-shirt but do
ya really wanna broadcast that one???
1. Try to raise bail money by having a lemonade stand with a sign
"Get the Angel of Death Outta Jail!!!" Believe me, you're gonna
get funny looks and people will misinterpret that. Also, you'll
be forced to appear on "Oprah" to explain why you're drawn to
murderers. And Oprah will interrupt you a lot. Like she did
John Dye. But you might get a new car or at least a copy of "The
Secret" so, who knows, may be that's worth it to you.
(Sigh... Don't ya just
wanna hug him???)
(Photo Credits: The photographs used on this page are from "Touched by
an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon
Water Productions. They are not being used to seek profit.)