"My mother always used to say:
'The older you get, the better
you get,
unless you're a banana.'"
~ Rose in The Golden Girls
How
to Pick Out a Perfect Birthday Card
for Andrew
by Lady JenniAnn of Dyeland
1.
Pick up some Kleenex the moment you're in the store. Trust me you'll
need them.
2. Bypass all cards with scantily clothed women on the
cover. Or
inside the card. Believe me, they won't be appreciated. And if Adam
sees it when our birthday boy opens it, he'll get all uneasy.
3. Avoid the phrase “Happy birthday to my dearest husband.”
Because he's not no matter how much you'd like him to be. Go ahead,
take out a Kleenex. Or several.
4. Also avoid any cards that mention kisses. Gloria all ready
bought him a card like that. But Monica and Tess prevented her from
giving it to Andrew.
5. Pass the Halloween cards. But first deface any that depict the
Grim Reaper.
6. Start reading the humorous birthday greetings. Avoid any with
messages about going over-the-hill. I'm not sure that sentiment
applies when the recipient is, in fact, older than the hills.
7. Read the sentimental ones. You'll probly start crying as you
read words like “you've always been there for me,” “I hope our years
together never end,” and “I hope your birthday is as truly special as
you are.” Get out more Kleenex.
8. Purchase all the sentimental cards. You've probly gotten them
all wet so it's only right you pay for the damaged merchandise.
9. Leave the store with out a card. You've realized no card can
ever express how truly wonderful Andrew is. Finish off the Kleenex box
as you ponder this.
10. Make Andrew an one-of-a-kind birthday card yourself. Cause he
truly is one-of-a-kind and we love him.
Awww. I had fun, didn't you? And now for a lil list I
made. I hope ya enjoy it!
Top
Ten Worst Birthday Gifts for Andrew
10. A Grim Reaper costume. No
explanation needed.
9.
The DVDs of either “Meet Joe
Black” or “Death Takes a Holiday” and an invitation to watch
with him. I have a feeling they may make him uncomfortable.
8. Two tickets to Paris. One of which
you keep.
7. Any of the “Halloween” movies on DVD. That's just cruel.
6. Underwear. Really I'm pretty sure that's just gonna be
really,
really awkward. Also I don't believe we've established whether
he's a
boxers or briefs guy. Heck, he's old. May be he prefers
loin cloths.
Ya know, I should probly just stop talking and move onto #5...
5. Rogaine. Really, why would you even think such a
thing!?
4. "Heart of the Beholder." No offense to the movie but if
you were a
respectful, kind, gentle, and assumedly asexual angel would you want to
watch your doppleganger doing something decidedly NOT asexual?
Methinks no.
3. A promise ring.
2. An engagement ring.
1. A wedding ring.
Sigh... I wanna marry Andrew!!! It's not
FAAAAIIIIIRRRRR. I luuuuuuvvvvv him. Why are all the good
guys angels of death?!?! "Meet Joe Black" lied to me! Brad
Pitt is a liar!!! sfrwdtafdafhsfdghgfbgwagfz
Sheesh... That girl's
got issues. And quite the grip.
Took everything in me to pry the keyboard away from her. But
someone had to stop that meltdown. Now I can finally talk.
The authors have not let me say much since Newsletter
177. Apparently
making a ridiculous public declaration of
love for the angel of death is more important than anything a humble
narrator would have to say. And really what I had to say was very
simple. Only this:
Happy
Birthday, Andrew!
Best wishes in your
gazillionth year,
The Narrator
Lady Beth also sent in some birthday wishes for our Birthday Boy so
here is her message:
Since I just
met Andrew about a year ago, I don't have a lot to say. Hopefully
I'll get to know him more over the years as a friend before it's time
for me to go Home. I've enjoyed this time so far (even as his
bodyguard when I've been needed) and I'm sure that there will be more
enjoyable times to come. Happy Birthday Andrew.
And Lady JenniAnn demanded I at least put this in for her:
Dearest Andrew,
I hope and pray all your dreams and wishes come true on your observed
birthday. I don't know when you were really born but whenever it
was it was one of the most wonderful days ever!
Much love,
JenniAnn
And
we in Dyeland hope all of you have a lovely day.
Sincerely,
The Narrator
You can read the
other JABB 201 pages here and here.
JABB TOC
(Photo Credits: The photographs used on this page are from "Touched by
an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon
Water Productions. They are not being used to seek profit.)
