"My mother always used to say:
'The older you get, the better you get,
unless you're a banana.'"
~ Rose in
The Golden Girls

How to Pick Out a Perfect Birthday Card for Andrew
by Lady JenniAnn of Dyeland

1.  Pick up some Kleenex the moment you're in the store. Trust me you'll need them.

2.  Bypass all cards with scantily clothed women on the cover. Or inside the card. Believe me, they won't be appreciated. And if Adam sees it when our birthday boy opens it, he'll get all uneasy.

3.  Avoid the phrase “Happy birthday to my dearest husband.” Because he's not no matter how much you'd like him to be. Go ahead, take out a Kleenex. Or several.

4.  Also avoid any cards that mention kisses. Gloria all ready bought him a card like that. But Monica and Tess prevented her from giving it to Andrew.

5.  Pass the Halloween cards. But first deface any that depict the Grim Reaper.

6.  Start reading the humorous birthday greetings. Avoid any with messages about going over-the-hill. I'm not sure that sentiment applies when the recipient is, in fact, older than the hills.

7.  Read the sentimental ones. You'll probly start crying as you read words like “you've always been there for me,” “I hope our years together never end,” and “I hope your birthday is as truly special as you are.” Get out more Kleenex.

8.  Purchase all the sentimental cards. You've probly gotten them all wet so it's only right you pay for the damaged merchandise.

9.  Leave the store with out a card. You've realized no card can ever express how truly wonderful Andrew is. Finish off the Kleenex box as you ponder this.

10.  Make Andrew an one-of-a-kind birthday card yourself. Cause he truly is one-of-a-kind and we love him.

Awww.  I had fun, didn't you?  And now for a lil list I made.  I hope ya enjoy it! 

Top Ten Worst Birthday Gifts for Andrew

10.  A Grim Reaper costume. No explanation needed.

9.  The DVDs of either “Meet Joe Black” or “Death Takes a Holiday” and an invitation to watch with him. I have a feeling they may make him uncomfortable.

8.  Two tickets to Paris. One of which you keep.

7.  Any of the “Halloween” movies on DVD. That's just cruel.

6.  Underwear.  Really I'm pretty sure that's just gonna be really, really awkward.  Also I don't believe we've established whether he's a boxers or briefs guy.  Heck, he's old.  May be he prefers loin cloths.  Ya know, I should probly just stop talking and move onto #5...

5.  Rogaine.  Really, why would you even think such a thing!? 

4.  "Heart of the Beholder."  No offense to the movie but if you were a respectful, kind, gentle, and assumedly asexual angel would you want to watch your doppleganger doing something decidedly NOT asexual?  Methinks no.

3.  A promise ring. 

2.  An engagement ring. 

1.  A wedding ring. 

Sigh...  I wanna marry Andrew!!!  It's not FAAAAIIIIIRRRRR.  I luuuuuuvvvvv him.  Why are all the good guys angels of death?!?!  "Meet Joe Black" lied to me!  Brad Pitt is a liar!!!  sfrwdtafdafhsfdghgfbgwagfz

Sheesh...  That girl's got issues.  And quite the grip.  Took everything in me to pry the keyboard away from her.  But someone had to stop that meltdown.  Now I can finally talk.  The authors have not let me say much since
Newsletter 177.  Apparently making a ridiculous public declaration of love for the angel of death is more important than anything a humble narrator would have to say.  And really what I had to say was very simple.  Only this:

Happy Birthday, Andrew!

Best wishes in your gazillionth year,
The Narrator 

Lady Beth also sent in some birthday wishes for our Birthday Boy so here is her message:

Since I just met Andrew about a year ago, I don't have a lot to say.  Hopefully I'll get to know him more over the years as a friend before it's time for me to go Home.  I've enjoyed this time so far (even as his bodyguard when I've been needed) and I'm sure that there will be more enjoyable times to come.  Happy Birthday Andrew. 

And Lady JenniAnn demanded I at least put this in for her:

Dearest Andrew,
I hope and pray all your dreams and wishes come true on your observed birthday.  I don't know when you were really born but whenever it was it was one of the most wonderful days ever!
Much love,

And we in Dyeland hope all of you have a lovely day.

The Narrator

You can read the other JABB 201 pages here and here.


(Photo Credits: The photographs used on this page are from "Touched by an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon Water Productions.  They are not being used to seek profit.)