"Hey, you
can't arrest them. This is a free country."
"No, it's a democracy, and the majority of
us don't like what's going on here."
~ Det. Fin Tutuola to some baddie or another on Law and Order: SVU
Hi all,
I hope
everyone's doing
well! Not much to say. The start of
this newsletter makes me hear the Law
and Order "doink doink."
The second part of this newsletter makes me wish we could create some
visuals... Swoon...
God
bless,
Jenni
One
thing people might not
realize is Dyeland once had a fairly in
depth set of laws. Now they're completely out of date but the
curious can read them here. I
can't say I really feel a need just now to make up a new law
code. And if anyone else does they haven't made that known to
me. Nonetheless, I have wondered how a world without a jail would
deal with infractions. And I think most of us have probly read or
at least heard of a number of fanfics in which absolutely terrible
things befall our dear Angel Boy. I got to thinking what might
happen if some of those things happened in Dyeland. So here are
my very tongue-in-cheek guesses on prescribed punishments for injuring
the much loved Lovely Angel. I could see this being a recurring
element on JABB so, as always, feel free to email with
additions!
Dyeland
Penal Code:
Crimes Against Andrew Part I
Please find below a listing of crimes
that may be committed against Andrew (former president, dedicated angel
of death, all around great guy, beloved friend, and root cause of the
occasional swooning epidemics that sweep through our fair world).
Following each is the punishment decided upon by the Council of Dyeland.
1.
Hitting
Andrew- The offender gets locked in a room with Lady JenniAnn for an
hour and
just has to hear her scream/shriek/cry repeatedly. If she loses
her voice in the process, we loop audio of her prior
screams/shrieks/cries for the remainder of the hour. For LJA's
safety, the perp will be restrained, of course.
2.
Making Andrew
cry (purposefully and with ill intent)- We make the perp walk through
Dyeland and the Tunnels for a full day wearing a sandwich board reading
"I made Andrew cry on purpose and with ill-intent." Whatever
happens, happens. We offer them no protection. The sandwich
board shall actually be a dry erase board attached to a standard
sandwich board so we may reuse it as punishment for other crimes.
Call it "green" punishment.
3.
Attempting to
kill Andrew- This means you, guy from "The Root of All Evil."
We get that Andrew's immortal but anyone plotting his death clearly
does not know that. They were gonna kill him! So...
They get to stay with Andrew for a whole week while he tells them
stories of comforting people whose loved ones have been killed.
The offender will then get turned over to the authorities of whatever
world they are from as they are likely a danger to society.
4.
Lying about
Andrew with malicious intent- If the lie is so malicious that Andrew
cries, then the perp can say hello to their new sandwich board!
In addition, they will also be made to suffer a punishment that fits
whatever they
accused Andrew of. If they accused him of having an affair
(Really? Are they stupid?), we fling all their clothing into the
yard and slap a red A on whatever clothing they happen to be
wearing. Scratch that. A is Andrew's and Adam's
letter. Make that a red broken heart cause that's what the perp's
bloody given us. If they accuse Andrew of stealing, we'll put
photos of them up in stores with the word THIEF emblazoned
underneath. Etc.
5.
Doing
anything to prevent Andrew from spending time with the Dyelanders- Perp
gets to follow Dyeland women around (for however long it takes for
their mistake
to be fixed) while the women aimlessly wander the Fields of Gold
wailing like banshees until finally collapsing on Andrew's porch,
undoubtedly
clutching Andrew's flannel shirts to their chests while (perhaps
poorly) singing the latest "Andrew song" between sobs. Given that
both JenniAnn and Rose are in possession of Andrew song play lists...
it could be a darn long wreck of a sing-a-long. Dyeland shall not
be held
responsible for any damage to the offender's ears or musical
sensibilities.
6. Purposefully exposing Andrew to harmful Halloween
paraphernalia- Whatever terrible person does this will be subjected to
some real Halloween-style fun. We'll introduce em to Mick and
Logan who can put on an impressive vampy show. Afterwards we'll
show them all of Willy's Halloween candy but then not let them have any
until they apologize and take the Oath of Respect to AODs. All
this while they are forced to wear those terribly uncomfortable fruit
Halloween costumes Adam, Andrew and Henry had.
It's been over 5 years since TBAA ended
and left us bereft of many things, including the opportunity to analyze
and discuss Andrew's every follicle. So I decided that just cause
our eyes can't see Andrew's hair change doesn't mean our imaginations
can't. So now Andrew has a beard! At least for a
while. Yay! Now I'm sure the beard is fairly innocent and
will be much appreciated. But I could also see it causing some
trouble in Dyeland. So I present...
The
Downside of Andrew's New Beard
(Photo of beard not yet available at press time.)
1.
Dyeland's Roseate
Theatre won't have to search for an actor
when they need a Tevye, Jesus, or other Famous Theatrical Character
with Beard. Of course, they will realize the downside of hiring
Andrew as a lead when "Fiddler on the Roof" gets panned by the critics
cause "Tzeitel", "Hodel", and "Chava" all seem a lil too interested in
their supposed father and "Golde" makes a lil too much of the kiss at
the end of "Do You Love Me?" Also, "Jesus Christ Superstar" will
be forced to stop the show with the song "I Don't Know How to Love Him"
after it's concluded Andrew performing anything from Act II would
result in the audience storming the stage and attacking "Pilate" and
"Centurion 2."
2.
Andrew's beard will,
unfortunately, on occasion collect bits
of muffin, bread, and similar crumbly food items. This will
result in many conversations like:
Andrew:
So then I said to him
"Sir, believe me. I'm an
angel. Not a mutant. Despite the glow. Those are in
comic books."
::notices Dyelander lunch mate scratching at their chin pointedly and
begins brushing at his beard.:: What? Where? Did I
get it out?
Dyelander:
No, I can still see
the crumb. Here, let me get
it. ::reaches across to Andrew's face for the supposed crumb that
really does not exist. Sighs.::
Andrew:
Maybe I should shave...
3.
Andrew's beard starts
a craze and many of the Dyeland guys
decide to grow one. Adam and Henry fair okay but Mick is only
able to manage a mustache and is made to endure hours of Tom Selleck
jokes.
4. Great, now Monica can claim "Gee, well, I just didn't
recognize him..." when she ignores Andrew. Grr.
5. As Andrew has already discovered, beards make fun toys for
small children who like to pull on things. Ouch.
6. You try pulling taffy out of a beard when a snacking binge at
Willy's factory gets a little sloppy.
7. Once autumn comes and Andrew goes back to his jeans and
flannel shirts, he's gonna get real tired of hearing "I'm a lumberjack
and I'm OK! I sleep all night and I work all day!"* every time he
enters a room.
*Lyrics from Monty Python's "Lumberjack Song"
JABB
TOC
JABB 253
(The photographs used on this page are from "Touched by an Angel" and
owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon Water
Productions. They are not being used to seek profit.)