"Hey, you can't arrest them. This is a free country."
"No, it's a democracy, and the majority of
us don't like what's going on here."
~ Det. Fin Tutuola to some baddie or another on Law and Order: SVU

Hi all,

I hope everyone's doing well!  Not much to say.  The start of this newsletter makes me hear the Law and Order "doink doink."  The second part of this newsletter makes me wish we could create some visuals...  Swoon...

God bless,


One thing people might not realize is Dyeland once had a fairly in depth set of laws.  Now they're completely out of date but the curious can read them here.  I can't say I really feel a need just now to make up a new law code.  And if anyone else does they haven't made that known to me.  Nonetheless, I have wondered how a world without a jail would deal with infractions.  And I think most of us have probly read or at least heard of a number of fanfics in which absolutely terrible things befall our dear Angel Boy.  I got to thinking what might happen if some of those things happened in Dyeland.  So here are my very tongue-in-cheek guesses on prescribed punishments for injuring the much loved Lovely Angel.  I could see this being a recurring element on JABB so, as always, feel free to email with additions!

Dyeland Penal Code:
Crimes Against Andrew Part I

Please find below a listing of crimes that may be committed against Andrew (former president, dedicated angel of death, all around great guy, beloved friend, and root cause of the occasional swooning epidemics that sweep through our fair world).  Following each is the punishment decided upon by the Council of Dyeland.

1.  Hitting Andrew- The offender gets locked in a room with Lady JenniAnn for an hour and just has to hear her scream/shriek/cry repeatedly.  If she loses her voice in the process, we loop audio of her prior screams/shrieks/cries for the remainder of the hour.  For LJA's safety, the perp will be restrained, of course.
2.  Making Andrew cry (purposefully and with ill intent)- We make the perp walk through Dyeland and the Tunnels for a full day wearing a sandwich board reading "I made Andrew cry on purpose and with ill-intent."  Whatever happens, happens.  We offer them no protection.  The sandwich board shall actually be a dry erase board attached to a standard sandwich board so we may reuse it as punishment for other crimes.  Call it "green" punishment.
3.  Attempting to kill Andrew- This means you, guy from "The Root of All Evil." 
We get that Andrew's immortal but anyone plotting his death clearly does not know that.  They were gonna kill him!  So...  They get to stay with Andrew for a whole week while he tells them stories of comforting people whose loved ones have been killed.  The offender will then get turned over to the authorities of whatever world they are from as they are likely a danger to society.
4.  Lying about Andrew with malicious intent- If the lie is so malicious that Andrew cries, then the perp can say hello to their new sandwich board!  In addition, they will also be made to suffer a punishment that fits whatever they accused Andrew of.  If they accused him of having an affair (Really?  Are they stupid?), we fling all their clothing into the yard and slap a red A on whatever clothing they happen to be wearing.  Scratch that.  A is Andrew's and Adam's letter.  Make that a red broken heart cause that's what the perp's bloody given us.  If they accuse Andrew of stealing, we'll put photos of them up in stores with the word THIEF emblazoned underneath.  Etc.
5.  Doing anything to prevent Andrew from spending time with the Dyelanders- Perp gets to follow Dyeland women around (for however long it takes for their mistake to be fixed) while the women aimlessly wander the Fields of Gold wailing like banshees until finally collapsing on Andrew's porch, undoubtedly clutching Andrew's flannel shirts to their chests while (perhaps poorly) singing the latest "Andrew song" between sobs.  Given that both JenniAnn and Rose are in possession of Andrew song play lists... it could be a darn long wreck of a sing-a-long.  Dyeland shall not be held responsible for any damage to the offender's ears or musical sensibilities. 

6.  Purposefully exposing Andrew to harmful Halloween paraphernalia- Whatever terrible person does this will be subjected to some real Halloween-style fun.  We'll introduce em to Mick and Logan who can put on an impressive vampy show.  Afterwards we'll show them all of Willy's Halloween candy but then not let them have any until they apologize and take the Oath of Respect to AODs.  All this while they are forced to wear those terribly uncomfortable fruit Halloween costumes Adam, Andrew and Henry had. 

It's been over 5 years since TBAA ended and left us bereft of many things, including the opportunity to analyze and discuss Andrew's every follicle.  So I decided that just cause our eyes can't see Andrew's hair change doesn't mean our imaginations can't.  So now Andrew has a beard!  At least for a while.  Yay!  Now I'm sure the beard is fairly innocent and will be much appreciated.  But I could also see it causing some trouble in Dyeland.  So I present...

The Downside of Andrew's New Beard

(Photo of beard not yet available at press time.)

1.  Dyeland's Roseate Theatre won't have to search for an actor when they need a Tevye, Jesus, or other Famous Theatrical Character with Beard.  Of course, they will realize the downside of hiring Andrew as a lead when "Fiddler on the Roof" gets panned by the critics cause "Tzeitel", "Hodel", and "Chava" all seem a lil too interested in their supposed father and "Golde" makes a lil too much of the kiss at the end of "Do You Love Me?"  Also, "Jesus Christ Superstar" will be forced to stop the show with the song "I Don't Know How to Love Him" after it's concluded Andrew performing anything from Act II would result in the audience storming the stage and attacking "Pilate" and "Centurion 2."  

2.  Andrew's beard will, unfortunately, on occasion collect bits of muffin, bread, and similar crumbly food items.  This will result in many conversations like:

Andrew: So then I said to him "Sir, believe me.  I'm an angel.  Not a mutant.  Despite the glow.  Those are in comic books."  ::notices Dyelander lunch mate scratching at their chin pointedly and begins brushing at his beard.::  What?  Where?  Did I get it out? 

Dyelander: No, I can still see the crumb.  Here, let me get it.  ::reaches across to Andrew's face for the supposed crumb that really does not exist.  Sighs.::

Andrew: Maybe I should shave...

3.  Andrew's beard starts a craze and many of the Dyeland guys decide to grow one.  Adam and Henry fair okay but Mick is only able to manage a mustache and is made to endure hours of Tom Selleck jokes. 

4.  Great, now Monica can claim "Gee, well, I just didn't recognize him..." when she ignores Andrew.  Grr. 

5.  As Andrew has already discovered, beards make fun toys for small children who like to pull on things.  Ouch.

6.  You try pulling taffy out of a beard when a snacking binge at Willy's factory gets a little sloppy.

7.  Once autumn comes and Andrew goes back to his jeans and flannel shirts, he's gonna get real tired of hearing "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK!  I sleep all night and I work all day!"* every time he enters a room. 

*Lyrics from Monty Python's "Lumberjack Song"


JABB 253

(The photographs used on this page are from "Touched by an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon Water Productions. They are not being used to seek profit.)