"There are
possibilities for goodness in a world that's very filled with
turmoil." ~~John Dye
Hi all,
Once again, I found myself unsure what to do with this
newsletter. So I'm just going to ramble for a while and
then talk about some music.
As I mentioned last year, I struggle with how to celebrate John
Dye's birthday since he's passed away. And this year feels
especially iffy. Throughout 2019, I had several moments
that made me really nostalgic... and then pretty sad. For
one, I'm a fan of the TV show This Is Us and they did a
whole episode arc set during the Vietnam War. And there
was a surreal moment during one of the episodes when I realized
I was scanning the background actors... looking for Doc Hock aka
John. It was like I had this out of time moment and
thought, somehow, I was watching a new episode of Tour of
Duty and John was somewhere in the shot. I came out
of it quickly but it rattled me.
And then, over the summer, I became a big fan of the streaming
TV show The Chosen which is about Jesus. This is
the first time I've felt so passionate about a show since
TBAA... and I felt almost guilty at points. Which is
absolutely ridiculous. The truth is, I've been moving away
from TBAA for a while, long before The Chosen.
It's not that I now dislike the show. It still has a
special place in my heart. But I also find it kind of
frustrating to watch because I've become so interested in shows
about relationships and writing about people in relationship
that the constantly changing guest cast just doesn't grab me
like it used to. I want to see stories play out over
months and years, not days and weeks represented by 45
minutes. And that's to say nothing about how it sometimes
felt like Monica and Tess barely considered Andrew. So
when The Chosen showed up with its heavy emphasis on
Jesus' love for His followers and how that changed them and the
hope for seven or eight seasons with these same people... I fell
hard. But sometimes I also felt a bit haunted.
Occasionally, the fellow who plays Jesus will say or write
something that sounds so much like John Dye that I feel a bit
panicky. And I have the same worries that I had about
John... that people will confuse him with his character and
expect him to be perfect when there's no way he can be. Or
that in seeing him portray such gentle compassion, people who
run into him will unload and vent and he'll be left to carry all
those emotions. And then something bad will happen.
So I guess what I'm saying is it's maybe only been this year
that I've realized the extent of how John's death made me a
little paranoid. And I know that's not how he'd want to be
remembered. I know he wouldn't want my joy over a new show
to love being tainted by worry. And I feel like he would
say, yes, there were some confused people and there were people
who did emotional data dumps. But mostly it was good and
rewarding... and so it will be for this fellow.
And, hey, if I was going to get interested in another TV show...
The Chosen was a good one to choose because it basically
has Joshua in it! So I'll continue to be inspired to write
Dyeland stories and, thus, Andrew's story will continue.
And that really remains the way I feel best remembering John: by
continuing to write about Andrew. Nostalgia has its
moments but I still want something new. John isn't here to
star in a new show or movie. But there can still be new
stories about Andrew. So that's what I'm gonna do.
Happy birthday, John!
God bless,
Jenni
As with last year, I put together a list of a
few songs that remind me of John and/or that give me comfort
when I think of him. Here's what I chose for this year:
"Darkness, Darkness" by The Youngbloods- So this song was
actually played in the aforementioned This Is Us
episode. It's not like it cheers me up or
anything. But after I got over the initial shock, I
realized how much this song reminds me of Doc Hock and so
sometimes I listen to it when I want to remember his character
but don't feel up to watching the TV show.... generally
because I'm afraid I'll end up binging it if I watch even one
episode.
"If I Go, I'm Goin'" by Gregory Alan Isakov- I first heard
this song in the final episode of The Haunting of Hill
House. The show scared the heck out of me a few
times but, in the end, I experienced it more as a meditation
on grief and love and memories. I find this song oddly
comforting just like I found the show oddly comforting.
It's got a dark, hard edge to it... but it's defiant and
brave. It also made me think about how our homes often
become the containers of our memories. As I write this,
just to my left is a small bulletin board that I put up after
John passed away. It's got a few photos of him, a thread
angel I made, a card from the PIF site, and the "On one side,
there's life" quote on it. Occasionally, I think about
taking it down. I haven't yet. Right now, I like
that bits of my house still speak of John.
"If We Were Vampires" by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit- This
is another one I first heard on This Is Us. I
love it because it's just such a human song. I think
part of why I love it is like the previous song, there's a
real bravery to it. The singers confront the reality of
death and find beauty in it.
"Home" by Jencarlos & Prince Royce- This cover of the
Phillip Phillips song is sung by Jesus and one of his apostles
in "The Passion: New Orleans." It makes me think of all
those times Andrew told his assignments about the Home waiting
for them.
"When It's All Been Said and Done" by Robin Mark- Shortly
after John passed away, I made a couple of play lists of songs
that were comforting to me. Some of those songs have
stood the test of time... others served their purpose and I no
longer listen to them. But I love this hymn. It's
a good reminder of how God sees us and loves us. "When
it's all been said and done... You're my Life when life is
gone..."
"God is My Redeemer" by Roger Thrower- Lydia's healing in
TBAA's fourth season episode "Redeeming Love" was one of my
very favorite musical moments from the show. I can
remember when it aired, many of us really, really wanted to
find a full version of the rendition of the song used in the
show. Well, this isn't it. But a fellow fan tipped
me off to it and it's one of the closest matches I've come
across.
"Something Wild" by Andrew McMahon and Lindsey Stirling- "Even
though you're scared... you're stronger than you know."
Very reassuring words! This song works on a lot of
levels for me. In a way, I hear it as being about John
being called Home. On a more general level, I think of
it as God... Something Wild... calling to us all. But it
also seems very angelic, too. Like it could be something
one of the TBAA angels would sing to their assignment.
"From Now On" from The Greatest Showman- As much as I
love "This Is Me," I think this is my favorite song from the
show. It's so triumphant! On a more personal
level, it makes me think of a spiritual renewal I felt after
the initial shock over John Dye's death passed and reality was
really setting in. I can remember I was in my living
room and suddenly had a thought to the effect of: "You have
gone your whole life without seeing Jesus face to face.
You have always lived in a post-Crucifixion,
post-Resurrection, post-Ascension world. And you've
survived. This will be so much easier to survive."
And I felt weirdly better. Because that's so true.
What bothered me so deeply about John Dye's death was feeling
this sense of indebtedness and having no way to impart my
thanks to him, face to face. But I'd been living the
same reality, since the day I was born, with Someone who I owe
*everything* to. And I hadn't lost my mind. So
obviously I wasn't going to lose my mind. Of course, as
I wrote last year, the flip side was this revelation made me
feel more than a little angsty about Jesus. So I figured
out a way to work with my angst... I started writing Joshua
stories as a regular thing. And that was how I came
back home. And JABB is still here because of that.
This newsletter is dedicated to John Dye who
would have been fifty seven years old this Friday. May
his heavenly birthday find him with the knowledge of all the
appreciation we feel for him and his work.
(Photo Credits: The photographs
used on this page are from Touched by an
Angel and owned by CBS Productions,
Caroline Productions, and Moon Water
Productions. They are not being used to
seek profit.)
