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"Yoda" by Weird Al
JenniAnn: Hello! And welcome to the first debate between the two main candidates for the world presidency. Myself and Audrey will be doing the reporting for you live for JABBnews on the Net. I am standing here with the Hydra party candidate, Adam. Adam, what do you hope to accomplish with this debate?
Adam: I hope to make it perfectly clear to everyone that I am the right man, umm, guy angel for the job.
JenniAnn: And what makes you so sure of that?
Adam: Watch my political advertisement later during the commercial break. (walks off towards the stage)
JenniAnn: Okay... Let's go to Audrey who I believe is talking to the other presidential hopeful, Andrew of the Horologium party.
Audrey: Yes, the debate is about to begin but first, Andrew do you have anything to say to your supporters?
Andrew: Yes, I'd like to thank them for supporting me and if I win this election Dyeland is becoming the new capital! I better go now.
Audrey: Hmm... Dyeland as the capital. I'm not sure a capital in another dimension will go over very well with the viewers. What do you think JenniAnn?
JenniAnn: Okay, so I was watching "Bicentennial Man" and I was totally thinking what makes us human? You know? Anyway, I think that-
Audrey: JenniAnn?
JenniAnn: Hi!
Audrey: You're on camera!
JenniAnn: Oh! Yes, I believe that we should have improved relations with Thailand.
Audrey. Uh huh.... Well, it looks like the debate is beginning now!
Voice: The candidates will now accept questions from the audience.
Reporter 1: How do the candidates feel about ending the celebration of Halloween?
Andrew: I'm 100% for it!
Adam: End Halloween? Just imagine those sad little children. Once happy smiles turned upside down, their little costumes useless, all because my opponent has an irrational grudge against a holiday. (whistles and two children, a boy and a girl, appear from offstage. The boy is dressed as a lion and the girl an angel.)
Reporters: Aww, isn't that precious!
Andrew: Awww, now that's low.
Adam: Say hi to Tommy and Sally everyone.
Reporters: Hi Tommy and Sally!
Adam: Tommy what would you do if there was never another Halloween?
Tommy: I'd cry.
Sally: Me too. (pitiful frown)
Reporters: Awww.......
Adam: Vote for me. Don't let my opponent ruin this special day for Tommy and Sally. (Sally and Tommy go off stage)
Voice: Andrew, do you have a response?
Andrew: (mumbles) Maybe, Halloween isn't that bad.
Voice: Next question?
Reporter 2: If you are elected president what will you do to aid society?
Adam: I'll stop the killing of turkeys!
Reporters: Huh?
Adam: Turkeys must be saved!
Andrew: Well, unlike my opponent I *do* have plans.
Adam: Hey! That's a plan!
Andrew: It's my turn to talk! Here, while I talk why don't you figure out how to spell potatoes.
Adam: Hmm... p-o-t-
Andrew: Silently! Okay, if I am elected president I will start more suicide prevention hotlines, I will also make sure no child is left at home alone while a parent works, and I will open an anger management center for Tess to work on her anger. I also vow to find out what happened to Dawg and I will also be building an asylum especially designed for some people I know. (JenniAnn and Audrey quickly move towards the back of the room in case a quick escape is needed.) Next question?
Reporter 3: This one's for Adam. You were in the public eye about 6 years ago but then you disappeared and reappeared only shortly in 1997. How do you explain your absence and how can we be sure you won't disappear again?
Andrew: I'd like to hear this one.
Adam: I was... dealing with issues that will not arise again.
Reporter 3: And those "issues" would be?
Adam: I'm not at liberty to say at this current time.
(Commotion in the room as all ponder the meaning of this statement)
Voice: The candidates will now take a short break and return in 10 minutes.
JenniAnn: Wow, a lot of surprises in the first half of the debate. Wouldn't you say Audrey?
Audrey: Yes, there will no doubt be much speculation on the reason for Adam's absence. I also think Andrew's recovery from the Halloween question was a bit shaky.
JenniAnn: I agree. It seems as if it could go either way! And of course, Adam and Andrew are not the only angels running. There's also a member of the small Resol party who is holding a press conference outside. Let's go check out that scene.
(A man stands on a bench speaking into a megaphone. He is surrounded by five curious people.)
JenniAnn: Hello, excuse me Sir. I'm a reporter from JABBNews on the Net and we were wondering if we could get a statement for our viewers.
Man: Yes! Of course! My name is Henry and I'm the Resol candidate. If elected I promise I will be an excellent president two days of the year.
JenniAnn: Only two days of the year?
Henry: Well, yeah. I don't do anything more than twice.
JenniAnn: Umm... well good luck to you then.
Henry: Thanks! (Turns back to his listeners which have now dwindled to three people and a cat who actually does look interested.)
Audrey: That's certainly a bizarre campaign!
JenniAnn: No kidding! Well, we're going to a commercial break now but will return with the conclusion of the debates.
Click to view Andrew's political announcement.
Click to view Adam's political announcement.
(Commercials will load automatically or should!)JenniAnn: And we're back! Live at the first presidential debate! Audrey, what do you say we take some time out to explain to our viewers the origin of the party names?
Audrey: Sounds good to me JenniAnn!
JenniAnn: Well, since this is a very celestial election the names obviously stem from that theme. Horologium is a constellation which forms a watch. This was no doubt picked because of Andrew's pocket watch that occasionally makes an appearance. Adam's "Hydra" is a mythical dragon. One wonders why his party would pick such a name. Finally, Henry's breaks the mold. Resol is not a constellation and frankly we think it's a very backwards idea to name a party such.
Audrey: Thank you, JenniAnn, that was very informative. Now back to the debate!
(A hush falls over the crowd as the candidates take their places)
Voice: Next question please?
Reporter 4: What experience in your existence do you feel has prepared you for this task?
Adam: Well, being an angel I have seen all parts of the world so I am quite familiar with the territory I would be governing. I did have the pleasure of meeting Mr. Benjamin Franklin. He had a huge role in the American fight for independence so from him I did learn about government.
Andrew: My first assignment as angel of death was to lead Abraham Lincoln Home. From this man I learned about freedom and equality and how to be a good leader. That experience is invaluable.
Voice: Thank you. Another question?
Reporter 5: If elected would you run the world solo or would you have a cabinet of sorts?
Adam: My good friend Ted the Turkey would be acting as my vice president. I can assure you he is an honest, faithful, and just turkey.
Andrew: Frightening... As for me my friends Monica and Tess will aid and hopefully I will have some support from the citizens of Dyeland. Of course, God will be an important force for me.
Voice: The debate is nearing the end. Could I have a final question please?
JenniAnn: Would you both be willing to have another debate with questions sent in by the voters themselves?
Andrew: I would love to.
Adam: Sure thing.
(candidates depart)
Audrey: Well, there it is. If any of our readers have questions* for either or both candidates please email Jenni.
JenniAnn: Anyone wishing to vote in the election is required to register. In order to do so you must decide on your party affiliation, Horologium, Hydra, or Resol. The best way to do this is to become aware of the parties' platforms. You can do this by sending in those questions! If you would like to register before the debate please email the address above. Thanks for being with us at JABBnews!
Audrey: Good night and thank you!
*Okay, we would really like your questions for the next debate by Sept. 5th. If we are unable to collect enough questions the debate will be canceled. The regulations for these questions are simple. We'd like them to be original. In other words, please don't ask about a candidate's state on abortion, the death penalty, etc. Think goofy! Also, the word presidency is used only because that is the form of government most familiar to the writers. Questions from non-U.S. citizens are appreciated and encouraged! Also, if any one really wants to send in a question for Henry I'm sure we can arrange his presence there. :-)