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"Sing, Sing, Sing"
Hello! Welcome to our 48th issue! We spent quite a bit of time on this one and hope you enjoy it! First we have an intro from a new member!
Hello Everyone my name is Samantha Lynn. Sam or Sammy for anyone who decides to e-mail me. I've known about JABB for about two years now afraid that you had to be a certain age to get in I declined to sign up as a part of it. I'm now 13 years old and probably the youngest or one of the youngest members of JABB. I'll be 14 in September on the 12th. (YESSS!) I live in Columbus Ohio. I dream of being a first or 7th grade teacher and meeting the cutest man in the world (JOHN DYE) I've been watching TBAA since the first ep. I wasn't exactly enjoying it. I didn't excatly know what to think about an angel who was Irish and her supervisor want a red Caddy. But by the 2nd and 3rd season I was hooked. I first saw Andrew when he guest starred in The One That Got Away (I think thats right. Which ever one was the first ep he was in.) But that's not my favorite ep. I love the Journalist and My dinner with Andrew. I have nearly every ep on tape. Which my family finds beyond sad. I'm addicted to John. Altough it's not up yet I'm the keeper of Andrew's Fears and loving voice. I wish I would have joined sooner than this because then I wouldn't have felt like I was the only person drooling over the cutest angel in the world. Thanks for letting me be a part of this.
Now onto our issue! Oh wait... Hold on...
"All right Chiwawa, but just this
once. If I hear you going on and on about writing an issue just because
John and Victor got to one more time, then I'm gonna . . . . Well,
you'll have ANOTHER reason to join the witness protection program! Got
"RUFF." Chiwawa replied.
"STUPID MUTT," I uttered to myself.
"Dumb blonde!" retorted the Chiwawa.
"Don't make me slap you!" I screamed, leaving the dimwit of a dog to write his precious story.
Chiwawa: Finally! I thought she'd NEVER leave!! J.A.B.B. members. I have something very important to do, and I need your help! As you might have noticed, our two "CO-presidents" seem to have lost their minds. First they make up some weird name, "Tommy Ergo Life" and harp over it as though it were a real person! Then they invent imaginary fairy tales and tell them as though they really happened. I feel that it is time for our beloved co-presidents to be "put away." You see, they have lost their minds and can no longer adequately help you and your obsession with John Dye, my savior. These two young ladies have done so much for me that I feel bad having "Charter by the Sea" (TM) just lock them up in a round, rubber room. I can just see the one . . . that "Audrey" chick - they don't call her "Aud" (Odd) for nothing - running around singing joyfully, "Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a rubber room. I liked it there, I loved it here, there were worms there. Worms are crazy!! Crazy?" Wait! That was just this morning. Do you see why I need your help to have her locked away? And JenniAnn? She runs around screaming "V!! Come save me! The evil Kiwi has kidnapped me!" All day I must endure this! Please, I need your help. We need only raise $300,000. It's but a small price to pay for their sanity, or what they may have left of it.
I have decided that it is wrong to simply ask you to send money. For starters, that'd be too easy. So I have devised a plan. I shall hold an auction at the Dyeland Estate. 3:20 a.m. tomorrow morning. Be there, for the sake of our helpless co-presidents!!
The Dyeland Estate. 3:20 a.m.
A soft hubbub rises up the attic stairs. The crowd slowly grows restless. It is then that I emerge. A hush befalls the tired, caring members of J.A.B.B. They stare at me, mesmerized by the contents of my hands.
"The ORIGINAL twelve step program!" screams one woman. "I MUST have it!"
"Look!" Screams another. "The 'Androoler's Bill of Rights'!!!! How much?"
"Don't worry all! I have plenty to go around and you'll all get your turn. Just let me get a few more things out of the attic."
I go back to the attic to find some more "merchandise." Hmmm... Eeek! One of Teri's gingerbread cookies! How old does that thing have to be!?!? Oh well, someone will probably want it. Great! The Ten Commandments! These will be a big seller for sure! Let's see, "1. Thou shalt not drool over any actor other than John Dye." Ha! That went over real well for JenniAnn! Let's see what's in this other box. Oh wow, a cassette. Where's my Walkman.... I wanna hear this thing. Okay, here we go....
"Johnny Dye you're the one.
You make Sundays lots of fun.
Johnny Dye we're awfully fond of you.
do, do, do, do, do, be, do"
Ahhhhh!!!!!!!! I can't believe JenniAnn made a recording of that! She sounds even more awful than usual! This has gotta go! Well, I'll just grab a few more things then I better head down and get this over with before Audrey or JenniAnn wake up.
I walk back down to the crowd with my box of memorabilia. Several gasps and cries arise. I know we'll make the goal for sure!
"All right, lets get the show on the
road!! First thing up for grabs is . . . (some fumbling noises) . . . A
crunchy, blue M&M? Geez, what's this from?"
"JABB # 29!" shouts an excited fan. "Ok. John, take it."
John: "Ten! Ten! Ten! Who's gonna give me ten?"
"I will!" screams the fan.
"Next item is . . . A "TELISMBTJD" Newsletter. Strange."
John: "Lets start the bidding at 200! This is a priceless heirloom or something. Will anyone give me 200?"
"For you, John, YES!"
"Next item up for auction is . . . this lock of John's hair. HEY! Wait! Why isn't this on me? I DEMAND TO KNOW!"
John: "Don't worry, you got enough
to stay warm. Besides, this is for a good cause.
"I'll give $50,000 for it! No wait, that's the Brady Bunch. I'll give ya 5.""OVER MY DEAD BODY!" comes a cackling, old voice from the back of the room. The crowd turns to see Kiwi and her sheep shears standing in the back of the room. "I cut it off, I keep it. NO QUESTIONS ASKED!"
John: (quivering) "It's yours."
"HMM! MOVING ON!! The next item up for grabs is . . . a JDPMC. This is one of Sara's creations. It's the John Dye Perfect Man Clone for those who don't recall."
John: "We'll start the bidding at 300. 300! 300! 300! Will anyone give me 300?"
"I'll take it!"
"I'll give you 500!"
"I can beat that! 1,000!"
The 3 others look to the 4th and say, "Take it! I couldn't explain the thing to my hubby."
"Well, this is going nicely! Next we have this state of the art FBI badge. Hmm. I didn't know they were members of the FBI."
"They weren't," Lisa advises them. "That was the issue I was allowed to write."
"You mean, you got to do an issue before I ever did? Now that's NOT FAIR!" I gather myself from the fit I threw and carry on. The next 30 or 40 items go without incident. The alarms clock set for 2:20, Membership for the Dye Dog for Hair Club, a Grim Reaper and a Pumpkin Halloween outfit. But then came the toolbelt, and all chaos broke loose! I don't think we need to go into details. But that did go for a cool 12,000! We have some rich members! "RUFF RUFF!!"
"How much for the dog?!" barks an anxious onlooker.
John: "How much ya got?"
"Very funny! The dog's not for sale!"
John: "But Chiwawa, it's for a good cause! A date with the dog! Do I hear 200?"
"200!" is repeated.
"Please don't be Kiwi! Please," I utter to myself.
"I'll give you 5 bucks to make the mutt shut up."
"Who speaks so illly of me?" I demand.
"I told you you could do an issue and you sell all my stuff?! What kinda mutt are you? I demand you be decapitated! Or skinned alive!" Audrey screams.
"The dumb blonde has awaken! Hmm." I walk carefully over to her. "This is all a dream," I say. "All a dream."
"OH," she says, "then I shall return to bed, oh great master of mine." (Don't you love it when you get to tell your own stories?)
John: "Look at this Chiwawa! We have $299,700! All we need is 300 and we're set. What else do you have?"
"I have this!" A hush befalls the crowd. "This unharmed picture of the evil, mysterious V!
"Go away V." (he vanishes).
"Who wants it?"
John: "Do I hear 300?"
"GIVE ME THAT!!" Screams JenniAnn!
"Great. Why do these girls get up in the middle of the night like this?" Turns to JenniAnn. "JenniAnn, what are you doing up?"
"What are you up to Chiwawa?"
"Don't worry, JenniAnn. It's all for a good cause."
"Yeah, sure. For what, a shampoo?"
"What's up, Chiwawa? I expected better from you."
"Well, one of our members needs help, so we're trying to raise money for them."
"Oh, well, that's a good cause. You could have just told me. I would have helped."
"If only you knew," I utter to myself. "We got it from here, go back to bed."
All right. One more time. One last item. I have the "Diary of a Crazed John Fan."
John: "Do I hear 300?"
"Sure, those two fools need help. I'll fork it over. And, I just happen to have 2 spare straight jackets. Shall we go?"
"YIP!" My tail is wagging so hard the hair almost flies off.
Audrey: CHIWAWA!! When I get my hands on you, you'll be nothing but bone! God forbid even that much!! Just you wait you dumb dog! I'll make a poodle outta you!
Chiwawa: Can't we shut her up?
JenniAnn: (confused) What's going on here? AHH!! HELP!
Chiwawa: That's what we're doing. We're helping you!
Fan: Those jackets should hold them well. Let's load them up. Charter's got 2 rooms waiting for them.
Chiwawa: Good-bye fools!
Audrey: I'll get you Chiwawa, if it's the SLAM! (Door slams shut and all is calm)
JABB members gather their new belongings, let out a cry of relief, and exit Dyeland Estate. "Phew that was close. But they're getting the help they need. Oh, by the way. If you can figure out what JABB we got each item from, your name will go up on our new **HALL OF FAME** board. (board soon to come) The person who correctly identifies the most items in the least amount of time will get the top spot! Just think of it as a little scavenger hunt. The co-presidents may never be back! BWAHAHAHA!! So LONG LIVE CHIW--
Mysterious voice: "Not in this life time! As long as those two are gone, I shall reign. Good night all!"