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"A person
needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free." ~~ Nikos Kazantzakis |
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I saw Pete's Dragon this afternoon (loved it!) and it put me in a nostalgic mood so I headed back to my old Livejournal, once again, for this newsletter. I hope you enjoy the walk down my memory lane.
God bless,
Jenni
Jenni
and Jenni Write JABB: October 14th to October 20th,
2003
11:00 pm October 14th, 2003
Subject: Good and bad
Okay, I've decided I'm starting a new habit. Hopefully this will draw me out of my own head a bit and make me focus a bit more on real life. First, things that made me upset with in the last 24 hours:
1. That one of my friends continues to act in dangerous ways. I know I said the other two of us were going to start laughing and not take it so seriously but... I lied. Try as we might neither of us can commit to that position.
2. Going through the JABB archives and really realizing how few people post any more.
Things that made me feel good:
1. Going through the JABB archives and seeing how I no longer have to deal with "If you love Jesus send this to 10 people" forwards, people who seemed to be exhibiting traits of Manchausen by Proxy towards the show ("TBAA is getting cancelled! I know it is!" every single week going back to 6th season...), virus warnings that were just stupid, and people who seemed genetically programmed to break the few list rules.
2. That, thanks to a talk last night, my brother seems to have some grasp on why it would not "make me a happier person" if I left JABB. Granted, I sort of lied and said JABB helped me deal with my "existential issues regarding my own mortality" (yes, I just strung some big words together). But I guess in some part of me that's probly true. You can't have an on-again-off-again crush on an angel of death, even a fictional one, for 6 years with out it somehow improving your view of death.
3. That I don't have class tomorrow and can stay up as late as I want!
I'm feeling: okay
Me in 2016:
Aww. I actually think my younger self is kinda cute there. I want to hug her.
There are still few posts to the JABB YG but I can't say it bothers me too much. I mean it'd be great if that really got going again but I also get way more personal email from members than I used to. So that's really wonderful.
Sadly, things didn't pan out with my brother. In an entry I cut because it went into too many other family things, I seem to have had yet another verbal brawl with him over TBAA/John Dye. I have no idea what he thinks about either now. Don't really care. We do much better and get along quite well in two different houses with a couple miles between us. :-)
1:07 am October 15th, 2003
Subject: I need a new hobby...
Well, I think I've nearly run the course with this Jesus-movie thing. I mean, of course, new stuff will always pop up but it's to the point now where I've seen all but like three that are readily available. (There are hundreds, if not thousands, that are too small or hard to find and hence don't count). I still want to see "Intolerance" cause I haven't really touched on the silent movie genre. And, one day, maybe I'll be able to watch "Last Temptation". Then there's some other modern day version that I heard was pretty bad quality-wise but those are my favorites. Not necessarily for quality or truth but just to see what my contemporaries are thinking. But other than that... It's time for a new person/entity maybe.
So I'm thinking about:
1. Dracula- just cause there's a lot of content there and I feel like I'm really missing the attraction there.
2. Death- obviously am very attached to Andrew. Thought "Meet Joe Black" was fairly good and have always wanted to see "Death Takes a Holiday."
3. Also considered just picking an era and going with that. Like Victorian maybe.
4. Could pick a genre, like musicals. But not sure the whole compare/contrast thing would be as fun when plots are so wildly different.
Will see...
I'm feeling: okay
Me in 2016:
That amused me reading that list as I'm still mourning the Victorian-set monster mash that was Penny Dreadful. I kept up with my usual, though. Hated stupid Dracula in that, too. John Clare was the only "monster" I found attractive. But that doesn't mean I'm going to go hunt down versions of Frankenstein. So what happened? I stuck with Jesus. Amazon Prime is the gift that keeps on giving as far as getting Jesus movies that I likely wouldn't have been able to get otherwise. I *loved* Risen and was pleasantly surprised by Killing Jesus so that's something.
I'm surprised it didn't occur to me to compare and contrast angel movies. But there will never be another Andrew so maybe that's for the best.
10:51 am October 16th, 2003
Subject: Renaissance!!
I'm pretty excited right now. I just lined things up so my friend C--- can attend a play tonight with me. Usually I love going to plays but this one is for a class and it's a high school western type of thing. And I'm not western fan and then to have it be high schoolers... Don't get me wrong. I've seen some fantastic high school productions and some bad professional ones. But this one's word of mouth isn't that good. But as long as there's someone else to make fun of it afterwards with me, it's all good. :-)
And I'm feeling so creative lately. Not that what I'm creating is of great quality or anything. But I just actually want to do creative stuff. Write stories, make crafts, and even paint! Yes paint! I've avoided painting since grade school and then just did a couple paintings over the weekend. Two different versions of a scene from one of my dreams. They're really bad technically speaking but just the process was cool. And I do get something from looking at them. They'll be filed away with my journals and stuff, never to see the light of day but I saw them. I think tomorrow I'm gonna work on another version and then move on. And I made my headpiece for my costumes with out flipping out and begging Mom for help. And it's actually pretty!
And JABB... the very idea that I almost pulled the plug on it a month ago seems ridiculous now. I'm not saying it's fantastic stuff but it's gotten much easier to write. Aud and I finished the issue due tomorrow over a week ago. And I've all ready started the Halloween issue and written a top ten for the issue after that. And am brainstorming what to do with the Christmas issue (we always parody holiday classics and the trick now is finding something we've not yet parodied after 5 years.) I don't think I've ever had stuff done or started that far in advance. And, thankfully, today is my last class before a 9 day fall break when I can indulge all of this fully! But before then... must study. One more midterm!
I'm feeling: creative
Me in 2016:
Ouch. I'd forgotten how much of a theatre snob I was for a while. I barely remember that play but I don't remember being appalled. The kids did good, I think. It was just a goofy plot.
And I *completely* forgot
I had a painting phase. Darn it. Now I wonder
where those are... Wow... It seems so long ago that Audrey was writing JABB with me. Although I guess thirteen years is quite a while ago. But it's kinda one of those "the more things change, the more they stay the same" things. I haven't thought of quitting JABB in a good long time but I do often feel rushed and wish I had a reserve so I could just pull material if the week's been super busy. I guess I'm kinda doing that now but I still write these 2016 bits within hours, if not minutes, of hitting Send. Really need to get better about that and not procrastinate. Weekends should be three days!
And wondering about what to do to not be repetitive after five years? Cute, younger me. Try managing that after eighteen years. At this point, I'm worried I'm gonna repeat myself not out of desperation but because I've simply forgotten that I already did something.
08:32 pm October 17th, 2003
Subject: Play, movies, and marital arrangements :-)
The play I saw last night at my brother's old high school was okay. The acting was good, the costumes were really impressive for a high school production, the set was pretty cute, and the script was... insipid. But I can't expect to have a major revelation every time I go the the theatre.
C---- went with me and basically came to the same conclusion. We then came back to my house and watched "Waiting for Guffman" and "A Mighty Wind." Yay Christopher Guest and Co.! Then we had a really nice chat. I filled her in on the reasoning behind the whole Andrew Renaissance. She was shocked for a bit. But I think she understands now why I've been really obsessive about that lately. Also, we've both decided we no longer want to be humans but would like to be angels. Or if we have to be human, she'd like to marry the Metatron (aka Alan Rickman in "Dogma"). I can think of someone I might be persuaded to marry... 0:-) But, alas, we are human and they're not and even if they were they're not real. (Okay, maybe the Metatron is but not in Rickman form.)
After she left, I just kinda tried to keep myself busy. Talked to K---- on the phone, that was nice. Am very excited to see the JABB story advance. I feel pretty bad for leaving Andrew crying but I had class... Then I tried to nap but that didn't work very well. Too noisy and people kept calling or waking me up. Then I decorated a couple picture frames. Started painting a couple of ceramic pumpkin children I ordered. Oh! And my Alfred Hitchcock theme music box for my spider came with the ceramics! Very happy about that but in general... pretty restless.
I'm feeling: restless
Me in 2o16:
I miss Alan Rickman... Seriously. Sometimes I'm really taken aback by how much some part of me still refuses to accept that he's gone from this world. My feelings made sense when John Dye died. I mean I was running a web site with his face plastered all over it and he portrayed my #1 crush. But Alan Rickman... I think part of it was he just seemed like a force of nature. I can remember when I first saw John Dye. However, with Mr. Rickman, he just seemed to have always existed and would always exist. And of course he exists still. But not to be heard or seen here.
On a lighter note, I don't know if I wasn't yet hung up on "angels neither marry nor are given in marriage" then or it was just a late night, goofy conversation and I wasn't gonna bring theology into it.
And I still love my ceramic spiders and pumpkin children. Not even Andrew of TBAA could hate them. They are adorable. So sayeth I!
Now I wanna know what story that was, though. Why was Andrew crying!? Date-wise, I'd guess it was "The Reaper" though I don't recall Andrew crying in that. Then again, it's been ages since I read it and as established above... my memory is pretty shaky re: what I've written.
02:26 am October 19th, 2003
Subject: Augh! This is just getting weird...
Okay, so it was funny when the Halloween tree fell to the ground with a fantastic crash and ornaments fell everywhere right as I finished a rant against Andrew. And it was amusing when the blonde guy named Andrew in my speech class gave an "I love computers" speech. And other stuff like that. But now it's getting weird. Okay, so maybe it's only weird cause it's after 2 in the morning and I'm a little out of it. But here I am, watching "Holes" in an attempt to keep myself from watching TBAA. And I'm enjoying it and suddenly, during one of my favorite sappy romantic moments between Katherine and Sam, who do I hear? The Angel of Music. Yep, Keb Mo. I've seen this movie twice now and it only just occurred to me that it was him. So now I'm distracted. Oh well, back to the movie.
I'm feeling: weird
Me in 2016:
Ha, yeah. For a while I felt haunted by the ghosts of TBAA past. That's an awesome moment in Holes, though. I was kinda obsessed with Katherine and Sam for a while. It's really a great movie for a TBAA fan. Very much about how coincidences often aren't and things happen for a reason and we're all connected.
02:45 am October 19th, 2003
Subject: Grrr... Update on the Infamous One's trial which turned into me fussing over Andrew
Yeah, still looking for a good epithet. Tashlan the Vile was a little too... eschatological. And I can't keep using initials cause I don't want to ruin the letters S and B. You know, just in case I become a big Sarah Brightman fan or something. :-) Or dishonor the memory of Sony Bono. Not to mention I have friends with those initials. Anyway...
Dead link removed
Well, at least that means the case hasn't been dropped. I don't understand what the word "staged" means though. Makes it sound like they were going off scripts or something. Guess I need to watch COPS more. Or not... definitely not.
For the record, I am no longer mad about this because of TBAA. I think had Zack come off incredibly well, it really would have stolen the thunder from Andrew. And that could have, conceivably, been very, very bad for me (and probly others but can't speak for them). Not to mention, I've since realized there was lots about those episodes that left me unsatisfied, completely unrelated to the actors. Namely, Andrew wasn't in the first part. Second, it made Monica look more special than Andrew. I mean God didn't show up when Andrew got his promotion! (And yes I realize I am completely hyper-sensitive about this cause... well, I like Andrew!!) Third, I would have been much happier with them all hopping in the caddy and riding off into the sunset together. The whole separation stuff is depressing. Fourth, I really don't like that Joey ended up responsible even though it was in a way that left him blameless. Fifth, Andrew wasn't in the first part!!!!!!! Oh and also didn't like that Andrew seemed to assume Zack was guilty. Then there was no scene between him and Zack to make peace with that. Andrew's his kid, too! Okay, will shut up now but first... Andrew wasn't in the first part!! Oh wait one more. Okay, I don't need another TV God. If I find one I like then, well, fine I guess. But I have a real God. And if I'm desperate for a fictional representation I have: Aslan, Joshua, other Joshua, Eli, some guy named The Singer whose book I've yet to get to, the Ragman, all the ones that have showed up in my dreams, Hero (for when I need a faux-God that looks like a member of DC Talk), and that's just the Christian ones. But, barring fanfic which I'm picky about, there was no other version of Monica, Tess, Andrew, or Gloria. I don't mean to bash the writers, they were good episodes. And it was a good idea. It just wasn't, in the end, what I needed. Or maybe it was. Maybe I needed to be frustrated enough with it that it'd send me flying back 5 years right to the heart of the Andrew phase. If that's true, then all is well with it. But on a purely story-level, even towards the end of the finale I'd started to feel cheated. I didn't say anything cause, well, it was the finale and I'd been all "Yay Zack!" the night before. I didn't want to look *that* flighty. In the end, when Zack disappeared I was just like "Huh, he's gone. Okay." When Andrew did I just thought "NO!"
Anyhow, am continuing to read Rolheiser and thanks to him know what I've been experiencing. Archetypal anger. Anger for everything slimy and creepy and bad that's happened to people. He explained it way better but am kinda sleepy and don't wanna run upstairs and get the book.
I'm feeling: archetypal anger
Me in 2016:
So just to explain... after TBAA's finale the actor who played Zack got into pretty ugly legal trouble. So I went through a phase where I felt like he'd ruined a perfect finale. Except the more I thought about TBAA's finale, the less perfect it seemed to me for reasons completely unrelated to Zack or the man who played him. I think my younger self did a pretty good job of laying out my problems with the conclusion. One thing I will add is that I eventually realized that the sub par (for me) ending is why JABB's gone on for so long. If I'd felt satisfied, I would have stopped writing eventually. But now I'm forever hunting for a perfect ending.
It took me a bit to figure out who "other Joshua" is. The first Joshua I referenced was Fr. Girzone's. The second was Christopher Moore's from the hilarious and touching Lamb. I did eventually read The Singer books and enjoyed them. And then, eventually, I got into the game myself... so there was another Joshua!
And my Joshua knows that Andrew is his kid...
1:29 am October 20th, 2003
Subject: Strange ways things occur to me...
So I've been thinking about how, after TBAA left the air, suddenly all Andrew-related creativity and really a lot of creativity in general came back to me. It's almost as if having the character physically present in a way (visually on the TV) limited him and his effects. And something in that reminded me of something a teacher, I can't even remember who now, said about the disciples post-Res. Something about how Jesus had to leave them in order to get them to do stuff. Like if he'd just stayed down here, we'd all just sit around and not do anything, just wait for him to fix it all.
I didn't entirely buy it. I mean if he'd stayed down here it woulda been a lot easier for people to buy into the whole philosophy and theology and all. Not to mention the fact that we're physical beings at this point. I don't care how close Peter or Mary Magdalene or whomever felt to Jesus when they prayed to him for guidance. It must have been a lot easier when they could just go to the house where he was currently at/the bit of earth he'd decided to make a home out of that night and say "Hey, can I run something by you?"
But then would they have ever grown up? Would they have ever felt a deserved sense of pride in anything? Would they have ever risked anything? Would they have formed communities? Or would they have just said "Well, things are good with me and Jesus, who cares about the others?"
Yeah, so I understand now that he had to leave. Have understood it for a while, just never took the time to articulate it. But still... I bet some nights they wished he hadn't. They realized he had never really left but there's something to be said for physical connection.
I'm feeling: contemplative
Me in 2016:
That actually sounds like something I'd write now. I sometimes contemplate how to balance Joshua in the stories. Because I don't want the other characters to cease developing or rely on him in a way other than the sort of reliance we should all have on God.
I don't think it's accurate that everyone would just stop doing anything if Jesus was physically around. But I can see how His presence might throw up some barriers. Would couples ever really learn how to compromise or discuss differences of opinion if they could just be like "I give up! Let's go ask Jesus and see what He says." I've tried to incorporate that sort of idea into the Dyeland stories by having Joshua just refuse to answer certain things or redirect someone to the person they should actually be speaking to. But just the fact that I have to make a conscious effort to do that probably shows that it would maybe be a problem.
Still... hugs are nice. I can't imagine the early Christians not being sad about the loss of those. For the angels, both in TBAA and the Dyeland stories, I imagine there's an element of that, too. It's great to be on earth and among friends... but there must be a pain, however subtle, in being separated from God.
The question remains open when and if Joshua will have his equivalent to the Ascension.
1:39 am October 22nd, 2003
Subject: "She hath no loyal knight and true"
I keep thinking about how in the course of a few short months the once-similar lives of myself and one of my friends have become completely different. On her big (and IMO extremely ill-advised) night with her boyfriend, I was dreaming about Andrew (the infamous half the pictures falling off The Door one). When she found out he had a kid and had been with 10 other girls, I was giggling over Andrew in a spacesuit. And when she started to think she may have caught something very bad from this boyfriend (no word yet on what she's found out), I was picking out a cloak and a princess dress and buying Aragorn a purple wig. I'm not saying what was right and what was wrong. I think she's grown up too fast and I've... not grown up. At least not in a lot of ways. And I feel kinda sad about that. Maybe I should be more adventurous. Meet new people. Still be responsible but less shy.
Certainly it's what my parents want. My Dad at least. I'm just waiting for the day I get home early and find Dad attempting to marry me off...
But at the same time... once you leave it doesn't seem like you can come back. At least not in the same way.
These last few years I've seriously begun to consider the possibility I may never find the right guy. And I know that may sound premature. And I'm not ruling anything out. I'm just being realistic. And truthful. The fact is, I like sleeping alone. I like having lots of alone time. I like that I can tape a bunch of pictures of Andrew to a door or fill the wall above my bed with books about Jesus or put glitter on my walls just because...
But I believe there are good guys. And, despite the fact that they may not be a part of my life, I need to know they're there. I guess I thought when my friends started dating, I'd have that. I don't need my own knight, but just to know there are "loyal and true" ones would be nice. And I guess that's partly why this alleged boyfriend bugs me so much. I don't even wanna use the word "boyfriend" because it has the word friend in it and from the sounds of it he's been less than friendly.
I've considered the possibility that maybe I'm just jealous. But I can't see how I am when I honestly do not want a boyfriend (especially that particular one!). Oh sure every so often I think it would be cool but it passes. I mean just look at the people I have crushed on. I don't even want a fake boyfriend! If I did I'd pick someone a heck of a lot less celibate than Andrew to get sappy about! And even the "normal" guys are interesting. I mean I can't really imagine being with Mr. Darcy cause then he wouldn't be with Lizzie and that would just be... well, awful. And the same with Mark Darcy. If he doesn't end up with Bridget then... well, I don't know. But I won't be happy. And the Dr. Cox thing? As cute as I sometimes think he is, I actually had a dream once in which his wife left him and *I* was running after the car screaming "Come back! You have to be with him! It's meant to be!!" I suppose a lot of people just day dream about being Lizzie. But I wanna be me.
Of course, there is Christian Bale but that whole thing, as much as I like it, has basically turned into MST3K where we spend most of the time laughing and making fun of his movies. Plus, he kinda bores me when I see him on interviews and his characters are great all together when you take bits and pieces of each. But to pick just one and say "Yes! He's my ideal man!" Impossible. I mean even Jesus came out kinda lackluster. You just wanted to break into the screen and go "Oh my You! Listen up, you've only got one more year down here so you best enjoy it. So just freaking smile for once in your life, man! Oh and try not to make your hair look that styled. If you could. Please. It looks goofy." But I digress...
I said earlier I was part of a dying breed of people that gave a care about Andrew. Now I'm just wondering if I'm part of a dying breed that actually cares about sweetness and romance and not rushing into things and... innocence?
I'm feeling: contemplative
Me in 2016:
WHAT?! Holy cow. I do NOT remember my Dad being more eager for me to get married than my Mom. Wow... I've been thinking my Dad was always fairly over-protective and kinda anti-boy but... wow. Now I'm wondering what happened... I suppose it's possible he just wanted more of his house back. So he has that now. And I have my own without needing a boy. Ha!
Some things never change... Thirteen years later and I'm still obsessed with fake Jesus' hair.
Anyway, in all seriousness, this is basically still how I feel about romantic relationships. I don't need one. But every time one I think is true falls apart... kinda feels like some part of me dies.
Also, it's kinda weird how there seem to be more Andrew fans now than in the immediate wake of TBAA's cancellation. I'm glad about it, of course. Just wonder why. The resurgence started prior to John Dye's passing so I don't think that alone is it. Hmm.
Groovy.
2:21 am October 22nd, 2003
Subject: My boys
So... K---- emailed last night and told me to call ASAP, it was rather urgent she speak to me. Turns out our other friend has found herself in even more trouble in regards to her boyfriend now... Of course, before Kristen told me I had to get to my doors.
Since everything started to unravel a bit last month, I've started taking all bad news by my doors. There's the actual door to my room which has a poster of Jesus on the outside with his I AM quotes on it. On the inside is my crucifix, some sconces, some butterfly things, a Lion of Judah (yay Aslan) poster and this other poster of this little girl swinging with God's hand holding the swing. I like it cause I used to love to swing and the girl looks kinda like me. The next to it is my closet door. Inside of that door is just hooks with my sweaters on them. But the outside is Andrew's stuff.
It just seems like a very visual way to add perspective to things via Jesus' door and keep me from getting completely anti-men via Andrew's door. Cause he's cute and all...
K---- got a kick out of me when I just nonchalantly said "Thank you, boys" after discovering I'd heard the entire horror story with out flipping. At least one of them heard... :-) And it's kinda funny to refer to basically ageless people (or non-people as the case may be) as "boys".
So if anyone ever calls me with bad news, just be sure to ask if I'm by my doors. :-) I think I'm going to dub myself Queen of Bizarre but Effective Coping Mechanisms.
Subject: I'm feeling: goofy
Me in 2016:
I guess Jesus really is my homeboy...
10:51 am October 22nd, 2003
Subject: Observations made while backing-up JABBlist archives
1. For every person I see and think "Aww, I miss their posts!" there's another that makes me think "Yikes. Glad I don't have to deal with their histrionics now!"
2. Prior to like this year, was there ever a time when Andrew and I were responding to each other and *not* fighting? Not only that, but he comes off really as a father-figure and in the course of one year... Well, definitely not a father-figure!
3. This process would go way faster if I didn't stop every five messages to read them!
4. I really am crazy. Sample quote from Princess JenniAnn describing her actions of the day:
"Yelled at self for acting mopey. Considered calling couples counselor. Realized couples meant married people not angel and platonic mopey friend. Sent email."
Then ends with the following sig file:
"'Where loving Andrew is not a crime, but a healthy livelihood that all women thrive off of!' Sob... sob... or maybe it is a crime!!! And it's not healthy right now! I feel wretched!! Oh to be one of you who remain in his good graces..."
Sheesh... No, I didn't inherit my Grandpa's drama gene at all...
I'm feeling: amused
Me in 2016:
Maybe running a YG is like childbirth... in only one way. You forget the pain. Okay, I haven't forgotten *all* the pain. But I really don't remember much about these allegedly awful ex-members. Huh. Of course, maybe it was just college era drama and what I remember as mildly annoying now was traumatic then.
Also, I'm glad the Andrew and JenniAnn interaction now is far less cartoon-y. Yikes.
And let's just forget about that part in item 2 were I refer to LJA as "I"...
11:08 am October 22nd, 2003
Subject: LOL! I found my favorite line
Okay, I found my favorite line of Princess JenniAnn's. Actually, not sure why I sent it from that account when it's very realistic. Anyway:
"Anyhow, in the event that my head does blow up or I go insane or I get buried under thousand year old texts or I move to Jerusalem or I become the phantom of the local theater (I couldn't think of a less stressful existence) or I run off to go look for more ossuary boxes of the Holy and Famous, I hereby turn over all authority to Princess Audrey who will, I hope, in her wisdom pick a suitable successor."
I just love the ossuary boxes of the Holy and Famous line. :-) And I'm glad I never needed that successor. It's good to be able to laugh at yourself. Sometimes I take me too seriously.
I'm feeling: still amused
Me in 2016:
Was that an allusion to my exploding head syndrome or what was up with that? Strange. But funny.
Ossuary boxes... Yep, I was a nerd then and a nerd now because these days I know more than I ever wanted to know about ossuary boxes.
11:05 pm October 22nd, 2003
Subject: I'm an angel sent by God to tell you...
That I've been involved in a freak accident involving a vial of glitter. Consequently, I am now shiny and bright. As is the floor of my room and several of my belongings...
Okay, so I was cleaning under my desk and must have hit something that set off a chain reaction with the result being a vial of white glitter I'd put on a shelf above my desk, fell onto the desk and spilled. I then tried to clean it up but then it only flew every where! Sigh... It's pretty but... I look... goofy.
:-)
I'm feeling: amused
Me in 2016:
Nowadays, maybe I woulda been mistaken for a Twilight-esque shiny vampire. :-)
And there, covered in glitter, I leave my younger self for now. When we return to this, hopefully she'll be just as goofy, quirky, and AOD-obsessed.
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This newsletter is dedicated to John Dye for being a part of so many of my nostalgia trips!
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