11:21 pm October 7th, 2003
Subject: The speech
Okay, so this really isn't about my speech. I think I
did well, enough said. Talking about assignments and
stuff when I'm not at school just depresses me so I'm
not going to. But I will talk about somethings that
happened right before and after the speech cause they
don't really have much to do with school.
Anyway, the speech right before me was just weird. I
mean it was a good speech. The timing was just odd. I
kept thinking "Please don't let it be anything that will
freak me out right before I have to speak." And the
girl's speech was about... dreams. So I'm starting to
get a little edgy. Then she starts on about how dreams
sometimes surface based on memories from our early
childhood. Fantastic! But I stayed focus. Even when she
moved on to how a most common dream is one about death.
Course I heard it as Death (aka a being aka Andrew). So,
I'm thinking about my own early childhood-themed dream
in which Andrew was the only character other than myself
clearly present. There were some other faceless people
and someone with negative energy in a mirror. But mostly
Andrew and myself. Thankfully, I got over this and gave
my speech and was told it was really good. But then...
Next person gets up to give his speech. His name is...
wait for it... Andrew. And he gives his speech about
computers. So through this whole speech all that's going
through my head is "Mmm... I love computers!" It was all
I could do to not either burst into giggles or run out
of the room screaming. My friend later said I should
have run out of the room screaming "Get out of my head!"
She feels it would have added a really powerful element
to my speech which was about bipolar disorder. :-)
I'm feeling: amused, confused, and mad
Me in 2016:
I have no recollection of this speech I gave...
I'm glad it was apparently good. I wonder
why I chose bipolar disorder? Seriously no memory
of this thing I'd apparently angsted out over. So
probably there's a lesson in there.
But short recap of this entry: I basically thought
Andrew ALL THE TIME. The sad part is I only wrote
sporadically so no wonder I felt out of sorts.
That's a lot of creativity energy just focused on
obsessing. When I go to work, I don't think about
Andrew or Dyeland unless there's a lull. So things
are much, much better now. Yay.
I actually think I can still remember what that Andrew
in my class looked like. It was kinda funny cause
he had green eyes and shoulder length blonde hair.
But his hair was quite curly. Which was maybe a
good thing... If he'd been a totally doppelganger,
I may have had issues!
2:03 am October 8th, 2003
Subject: Stolen Child by Yeats
This part keeps going through my head:
"Come away oh human child
To the waters and the wild
With a faery hand in hand
For the World’s more full of weeping
Than you can understand."
A couple days ago, I was trying to figure out what the
heck my motivation is with the story on JABB (I was
bored and run out of work to do). Cause my character is
really out of sorts and moreso than I think she should
be given her evident situation. There has to be more. So
while backing up the archives I found it. She's upset
because not one year ago she was hiding out on Andrew's
porch playing dress-up with her pet guinea pig, the
epitome of childhood. Now suddenly, all this emotional
junk gets thrown in. And all those childish memories are
tainted. Or at least become painful because they're a
presumed better period to which she can't return. It
would be wildly inappropriate for her to go back over
there, hang out on his porch, and play House.
So that was fun. Until I decided that wasn't actually my
character. That was me. I think that's what bugs me now.
Everything related to Andrew seems tainted now. When I
think back on my memories concerning him, I'm just
looking for the clue that something was coming. The
cloud in the distance. Did I get angry at my friend in
freshman year of high school for teasing me about him
because on some level I knew what would happen 7 years
later? In those dreams I had 6 years ago when Andrew
wouldn't talk, was I trying to silence him years before
he'd say anything utterly eye-opening? Is this why I
reacted that way to that fanfic? Why I favored this
episode over that one? It's insane.
I can't disassocite him from this. 7.5 years of him on
the show, nearly 200 episodes, over a hundred issues of
JABB, over 5000 emails sent through the list, all the
other lists, IM convos, chats, giggly conversations
about crushes with classmates, and it all comes down to
three dreams I had after the show was cancelled. On
September 2nd, had you asked me what I thought I would
remember most about Andrew in the years to come, I would
have described a scene from an episode. Ask me now and
it will be that he was the one that told me something I
kept hidden for what? 16 years? I feel like something
was stolen. A part of my adolescence. The faery didn't
get me in time.
The question that continues to bug me is why? Why, with
all the implications, with my parents' cluelessness, and
my own failure to communicate through the years am I
having the most trouble with this seemingly unimportant
aspect?
I'm feeling: listless
Me in 2016:
So I guess I was writing... I wonder what story?
So, to recap, or maybe I never actually
explained... At some point in college, I had what
I can only describe as a psychic dream. Actually,
three big ones. Two pointed a light to something
from my past, one seemed to genuinely predict a very sad
thing that happened in my wider circle of friends (think
"Pandora's Box"... but if Andrew hadn't shown up in
time). In both, Andrew appeared and relayed
information to me. In waking life, I went into
"shoot the messenger" mode for a while and was angry at
Andrew. Being angry at a fictional character turns
out to be fairly exhausting.
As for my final question... The answer now seems
incredibly obvious to me. At the time, I was very
disturbed by what was going on and while blaming a
fictional character was likely a nifty coping mechanism,
it becomes far less nifty when said fictional character
is one's main source of entertainment. If I had
blamed, say, Han Solo then it wouldn't have much
mattered since I only watch Star Wars when
someone else suggests it and it's certainly not like I'm
running a web site devoted to Harrison Ford and writing
newsletters and stories about Han. It's too bad
that my younger self didn't know that, in time, I'd get
over the dreams and Andrew's part in them and things
would go back to "normal."
Also, in defense of my parents, I made them
clueless. They still have no idea I write.
That was my choice. So that bit was pretty jerky
of my younger self. Bad Jenni of 2003, bad!
On a side note, I think my younger self would be
scandalized about Andrew's and JenniAnn's current living
arrangement...
11:11 am
October 9th, 2003
Subject: Crazy dream, jumbled mess!
Okay... so this was obviously the product of some
creative work with snippets of various conversations
and stuff I watched last night. First, earlier in the
day I discussed the upcoming Bridget Jones movie with
a friend. Then I worked on JABB a bit and, finally,
around 1 AM popped in a TBAA video and ended up at
"The Anatomy Lesson". So watched that. And here's what
I came up with.
In the dream I was sitting on my bed, apparently
having just got up. I turned on the TV to see what was
on and, shock of shocks, there was picture of CF in
the corner of a news broadcast. Apparently he'd
kidnapped someone and was on the run. I was pretty
horrified given I have like 8 of his movies but,
really, not as horrified as I really should have been.
Kidnapping is bad... I remember thinking "Not this
again!" (apparently a reference to the Zack problem).
I think I ended up with this scenario cause in the
Bridget book sequel, for various reasons, a police
officer thinks Mark Darcy (who CF plays) is Bridget's
psychotic stalker. And then I watched "TAL" where the
mother thinks her little girl has been kidnapped,
though she's actually in a well. Blend the two
together... So I guess it wasn't that crazy in origin.
Somehow Andrew, who is apparently real in this
scenario, ends up involved and I remember speaking to
him about it but no details. He was probly just doing
the same stuff he did in that episode. It was just
really weird...
I'm feeling: amused
Me in 2016:
Ha! Poor Colin Firth... I really don't think
he would ever kidnap anyone. But, on a more
serious note, after that all went down with the actor
who played Zack in TBAA's finale, I did go through a
phase where I was paranoid that someone else in a series
or movies I liked would do something awful.
But the craziest thing about this entry? At one
point in my life I was apparently able to start a TBAA
episode at 1 AM and watch it... Wow. Now I'm
lucky if I make it to 10 PM before crashing.
4:11 pm October
9th, 2003
Subject: Good class today
I'm so glad I dropped my neuropsych class. That was
just dragging everything down. I've enjoyed my Tuesday
and today classes so much more by not having that
pointless stuff start out my day. (As an epileptic, I
feel neurology and neuropsych is *very* important.
However, it does me no good to go insane trying to
memorize the complexities of it. For me attending the
class *is* pointless though of great worth for many
others.)
Anyway, my Liturgy class was amazing. In some strange
way, almost from the beginning that class has been a
sort of commentary on what I've been going through.
Today we talked about celibacy and sex, trust issues
and abuse, loneliness, and so many other things that
have really been on my mind. And the reading even went
into dreams a bit which has been another new topic for
me. I think I may have finally gotten to the root of
why the characters in three recent dreams have been
causing me so much trouble. I've written again and
again with various theories but I think I've finally
found it now. Finding that first dream from June was
the key to the whole trilogy.
Anyway, I think I may hop over to the library before
my Theatre class and try to get the whole book the
chapter we read was taken from. It just really made me
feel like I wasn't that crazy or original in my
problems. I like being original but not there...
I also figured out why my half-joking condemnation of
Vincent as the root of all my neuroses stopped. I
thought it meant I'd just really grown up and was
taking responsibility. Now I think I'd just moved on
to a new scapegoat, albeit a shadowy and less
recognizable one. So now I can just try and eliminate
the scape-goating aspect even more.
I'm feeling: pensive
Me in 2016:
Well, darn... I wish I knew what book that
was. Anyway, this one isn't really much about
Andrew except for vague references to the dreams he was
in. But I'm sharing it cause of the strange
Vincent reference and also because it made me realize
something else...
I was on meds for much of college due to my epilepsy and
I wonder if it impacted my memory. Because I
really have very few clear memories of college.
And, trust me, I can't blame illicit drugs or
alcohol. I've never had any of the former and the
most alcohol I've ever had in one day was two margaritas
at my brother's 21st. Of course, reflecting on my
entry above, I may have had even worse insomnia than I
do now and that certainly impacts memory creation.
Anyway, my point is sometimes I think my uber-expensive
college education was a waste. But then I read
that. This part in particular:
Anyway, my
Liturgy class was amazing. In some strange way, almost
from the beginning that class has been a sort of
commentary on what I've been going through. Today we
talked about celibacy and sex, trust issues and abuse,
loneliness, and so many other things that have really
been on my mind.
It makes me think
that, even though I don't consciously remember stuff,
college gave me a lot of what I now believe and a
greater understanding of issues that I care about.
I mean look at that list! That's basically a list
of main themes from Dyeland stories. So it wasn't
wasted time... or money... at all.
10:53 pm
October 11th, 2003
Subject: The Ren Faire- The Sentimental Post
Okay, decided just to post this now before I forget
stuff. I can't stress enough how much this little
break from my usual time and place was needed. I was
just feeling closed in and walking around a wooded
area really helped. Even the rain really helped. There
was a near perfect moment when ----, ----, ----, and I
were walking around and there was this sudden wind and
all these leaves started 
falling. Like golden, really
interesting shaped snow. :-) It was amazing.
Then on the way back, I rested my eyes (cause I can't
actually sleep in a moving vehicle) for a few minutes.
I was just thinking about stuff. Dreams, plans, etc,
Then I started running through conversations from the
day, including some about Andrew/TBAA/JABB. Then I
just opened my eyes to see where we were. In two
seconds after I opened my eyes I looked out the window
and saw a sign reading "You are now entering Andrew
County". I started giggling but everyone in the
backseat was asleep and didn't notice. It was just...
amusing. And somehow important.
So I made a goal list.
1. Stop over-analyzing everything. Especially my
dreams from September. I've decided that one of three
things happened.
A. The dreams were the product of my own mental
processes, unconsciously designed with Andrew
arbitralily placed in there.
B. I was in charge of the dreams myself and, for
reasons that at some level I understand, I put Andrew
in their cause it had to be him.
C. If God had anything to do with me dreaming what I
did, when I did He knows best and its not my place to
argue with the symbols he used.
2. When it doesn't hurt anyone, it's better to have a
sense of humor about something than agonize over it.
This came to me when --- referred to Tippler's Way's
"Wrecked Again" as our mutual friend ----'s theme
song. Everyone laughed hysterically. We needed to.
----'s irresponsible behavior has really worried and
upset us but she won't confide in me at all (I get all
info from ----) and she doesn't listen to ----'s
concerns. Us bemoaning her current way of life is not
helping anyone and only stressing us out. So... we'll
laugh when we can and wait til she'll let us help. And
if she doesn't... we just wait some more.
3. Don't focus on what's lost but what I still have.
The last time I'd been at the Faire, I went with five
good friends. Only two of which I still speak to and
----'s getting increasingly more and more iffy and
distant. But I wasn't friends with ---- then. And I
had barely started up with the Internet stuff so no
friends there yet. Focus on them. On the fact that
---- and I are still speaking and in much healthier
ways. That I met ----. That I'm friends with people in
places all over the world. Yeah I thought about my
lost friends a bit through out the day. But only as
fleeting, happy memories. Mostly focused on the here
and now.
Anyway, it was a good experience. I'm thankful to
everyone who was part of it.
I'm feeling: improved
Me in 2016:
So that bit at the top about the leaves? That
ended up inspiring a story bit. It's why LJA's
chapter in "The Carpenter" is entitled "The Child of
Falling Leaves." That moment just felt so
holy.
I still think back on that weekend sometimes. It
was so important. I'm sorry that I had to edit
this one to protect some people's privacy. I hope
it still makes some sense. On a happy note, I'm
Facebook friends with the person we were so worried
about and while Facebook can't be trusted, she seems
genuinely happy and at a good, healthy place.
As for the dreams, I eventually decided on C. Like
I wrote above, what happened was very much like
"Pandora's Box" and so it's a no-brainer to me why God
would have used Andrew as a symbol. I think why I
struggled so much is the dream didn't help me to prevent
what happened. Hence the anger. But I think,
now, that was never the point. The dream was to
help me cope. It was to remind me that God and His
angels knew what was going on and, free will being what
it is, they couldn't stop it. But they would be
there in the aftermath. And they were.
Nowadays, I think the experience may have helped me to
empathize with God and angels. Knowing something
is going to happen and not being able to intervene or
have your counsel ignored when you try to intervene is
painful. And I've definitely used that in stories.
2:39 am October
12th, 2003
Subject: For Halloween I am being...
Lady JenniAnn. LOL. I actually thought of it cause I
was kinda planning for the JABB Halloween issue and I
was trying to think of who Andrew could be convinced
to dress as. Thought it'd be funny if he came to a
party as John Dye. And then I decided I should really
figure out my costume exactly before I even start with
the fake people. But I liked the whole sorta "go as an
altered version of yourself" idea.
And it works cause my costume is a pretty Renaissance
dress but not quite princess material. So Lady is
good. And then if I get a pocketwatch (seeing as how
third attempt with a purse watch fell apart today and
I don't like things on my wrist) that'd be cool. And
work some symbolic stuff into the headpiece. Like
little doves or something... Has to be pretty. I'm not
putting baseball bats, toolbelts, or anything like
that on my head! It'll be fun. And I'll be the only
one at my party who has any idea what's going on. Add
some mystery... Will then spend the evening glaring at
grim reapers in between cups of cider and baked
apples! Yum.
I'm feeling: excited
2:49 am October 12th, 2003
Subject: Giggle... language of flowers!
Okay... I could make it out of daffodils for
"unrequited love". Or daisies for "innocence, loyal
love." LOL Really, I will grow up one day. Maybe...
Okay, probly not. Ooh acorns symbolize life and
immortality. Or I like ferns "Magic, fascination,
confidence and shelter". Not sure how that fits with
the theme. Actually, nevermind. Don't think I want
ferns on my head. White lilies- "Virginity, purity,
majesty, it's heavenly to be with you". LOL Heavenly
to be with you...
Here's where I was looking:
(page no longer available)
I have got to start forcing myself to sleep before 2.
Nothing really sane happens after 2 AM... The Door was
born at 3 AM and now this scheme.
I'm feeling: crazy
Me in 2016:
I still can't believe staying up til after 2 AM was a
regular thing for me... I did go dressed as LJA
for that Halloween! I can't remember what flowers
I ended up with, though. Daisies were involved for
sure, I think. Anyway, I had fun that year!
10:39 am October 12th, 2003
Subject: I got another one!
From the JABB guestbook:
Name: : ----
URL: :
Email: :
Favorite John Ep: :
Favorite John Line: :
Todays date: :
Do you have any suggestions for JABB: : never let him
go or i ILL DIE
Your Comments: : JOHN i WROTE A LETTER TO ROMA TO TALK
TO U ABOUT
Okay, not 24 hours ago I was telling ---- about the
weird messages to John we'd sometimes get with JABB
but how it's not happened for a good long while. Then
this morning I find that. Okay, so I really shouldn't
laugh at someone saying they'll die but...
I mean come on! It's one thing for me, at 21 and with
out much of a job or other responsibilities, to write
JABB. It would be quite another for John to sit down
and invent this whole little world named after him,
where nearly the entire population adores him, and
then to proceed to write several top tens about why
these people adore him. If this was true, is that even
the kind of person you want to waste your mental
energy on? If John were writing JABB, I would
seriously think he needed a shrink at the least.
Possibly also a good screaming at. I don't know John
Dye but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and just
suggest that he's probably not that conceited or
delusional. Or that bored!
Join us for next JABB when we will offer Top Ten
Disclaimers to Put on the JABB Websites. Or even how
about after Halloween we do Top Ten Proofs that the
JABB Authors are not John Dye. #1 would have to be
"Believe it or not, John Dye does not have an ego the
size of South America."
Sheesh... Well, JABB may have quieted down but good to
know we can still have some fun. :-)
I'm feeling: really amazed at some people
Me in 2016:
I still remain really surprised by how often something
like this happened. I can definitely understand
someone wanting to reach out to an actor whose work they
so appreciated. It's the part about thinking John
Dye was somehow responsible for JABB that's utterly
confusing to me. Our guest books have never been
that easy to find. You have to go through a few
pages to get to them. Which means you'd see enough
to think there's no way John himself was behind the web
site. Also, we stated that...
With John Dye now having gone Home, I presume this will
likely never happen again. But I'd still like to
know why it ever did. So if anyone has theories...
I'd love to hear them!
3:36 pm October
13th, 2003
Subject: Dream during nap-time!
Okay, puter froze first time I tried to post this so
let's try again! The lady who takes me to school/work
had to go early today and the line was busy when she
called so I didn't have a ride. Luckily, I didn't have
any classes today til 5 and I'll be able to get there
by then. It was actually kinda nice cause now I'm
ahead with my homework and I got a nap.
During the nap I dreamed I was at a TBAA message
board. I was struck by how many people were posting.
It was like 4th/5th season all over again. I only
remember one post in particular. Someone was
complaining about the precious finale time wasted on
the now cursed-Zack at the expense of Andrew. So
apparently I'm not yet through being huffy about that.
:-) Beyond really hoping SB gets his due, that aspect
doesn't bug me as much. But that Andrew was hardly in
it does. Go figure.
After I woke up I decided I really need to start
volunteering somewhere or something. When I first
liked Andrew and the show it inspired me to do
something. So I volunteered at a few places and
studied to prepare for possibly working with hospice.
The latter flew out the window (at least for now) with
all the pneumonia problems at my doctor's suggestion.
And now it just worries *me*. I'm never entirely sure
when I have pneumonia and would hate to infect all
ready ill people. Also, I'm more susceptible now and
am not particularly anxious about being at hospitals
and places where I could easily catch it again. So
health-related stuff is out. I'd also rather not go
back to the convent for the same reason and because I
think I need to branch out, not return to a place of
the past. And I really need to start associating with
males. I'm not particularly interested in dating right
now but there needs to be some sort of balance. So,
for the same reason, going back to the women's shelter
or the emergency pregnancy service place probly isn't
the best either. Plus the shelter never seemed to need
me. I can't even tell you how many times my parents
would drive me there only for them to tell me there
was nothing for me to do. I wouldn't have minded so
much if I was driving. But they knew my situation and
it was stupid to have my parents drop me off only to
turn right around and retrieve me. And the EPS was a
nightmare. Regardless of my multiple calls, when I got
there they had no idea what I was doing there and I
think were about 5 minutes away from having me watch a
documentary about my options regarding my unborn child
if I hadn't stressed that I was the girl that called
about volunteering. And then they didn't know what to
do with me and just had me watch the video anyway. :-)
I don't know. I'm going to have to ask around and try
to find something meaningful that will work with my
situation.
I'm feeling: frustrated
Me in 2016:
I used to be able to take naps!? I haven't had a
nap in years...
Still not happy about that finale but for so many
reasons... The lack of Andrew screentime is really
the least of it. But I won't go into that since I
already have elsewhere... repeatedly. Particularly
on the Episode Guide.
This post makes me think about how not much has
changed. I still wish I could volunteer somewhere
but seem to repeatedly run into issues. At least
I've found some outlets. I make fleece blankets to
have at the ready when needed. What's striking to
me is that, all these years post-TBAA, its characters
and the stories that have followed still feed into that
drive to do something. I'm glad I work at a
non-profit but do hope to do more in time. Until
then, I live vicariously through the Dyelanders with all
their charity work. And maybe some day I'll find a
place that's a perfect fit... and hopefully they won't
make me watch videos that are ill-suited to my
reality. ;-)
I think I'll end it there because I'm headed off to see
the movie Risen. I'm not expecting Joshua
but hopefully it'll be close enough. :-)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This newsletter is dedicated to
John Dye for inspiring JABB which, in turn, gave me a
creative outlet that I so clearly need! Now if
only I could find more time to write while not also
being sleepy...
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(Photo Credits: The photograph used on this page is
from Touched by an Angel and owned by CBS
Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon Water
Productions. It is not being used to seek
profit.)
