"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it,
and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
~~George Eliot

Hi all,

I hope you're enjoying these first few days of autumn!  Hard to believe the year is 3/4 over!

God bless,

Andrew in October: Then and Now

With October and, thus, Halloween just around the corner, I thought it might be fun to take a look at how Andrew's views on this time of year have changed over time since we first "met" him nearly twenty years ago. 

Then: "If I hear 'Monster Mash' on the radio on more time..."
Now:  "Laja, 'Moondance' is playing.  Come dance with me!"

Then: "Look at all these grim reaper costumes!  How am I supposed to compete with this!?"
Now: "Yes, Laja, you're completely right.  It is appalling that the boys' part of the web site has a a subsection for career-themed costumes and the girls' section doesn't...  But, no, I don't think we're in league with the patriarchy if we let the girls dress as fairy princesses this year."

Then: "Wow.  A lot of leaves fell overnight.  I better go rake."
Now: "Belle!  Let's go jump in the leaves!"

Then: "All this ghost and goblin and demon stuff...  No wonder humans are scared of death!  Look!  Look at that wall hanging!  It's terrifying!"
Now: "Belle, wanna come help Daddy paint pumpkins to set out for our Halloween party?  Yep, pitties!"

Then: "Okay...  I need to brace myself.  JenniAnn probably has Willowveil all decked out for Halloween but she's my friend and I'm the grown up and I need to deal with it."
Now: "I-I'm fine, Laja.  Really.  Just... had an emotional moment as I was unpacking Itsy and Teensy here.  Suddenly thought about what it would have been like to do all... all this decorating without you.  And I would have.  For Belle and Shel.  But...  Yeah, a hug would be really nice."

Then: "Well, this may be a terrible time of year but at least apple cider tastes good."
Now: "Hey Max!  Yep, I'll get going on the butterbeer just as soon as Arthur's done fixing pumpkin spice lattes for Monica.  Wouldn't be a Dyeland party without an array of decadent drinks, huh?"

Then: "Ten!  Ten different variations on the grim reaper!  What is with these costume manufacturers?"
Now: "I can't wait to see what all the Friends dress up as for Halloween!  I bet Kemara and Sean do something really cute.  Remember Zeke and Diana and, of course, Manny last year?  That was great!  Hey, what are we gonna be, Laja?"

Then: "I *hate* Halloween!"
Now: "I love anything that makes my little elf this happy!  Happy Halloween!"

And now for a glimpse back at Andrewiffic moments in my own past...

Jenni and Jenni Write JABB: Here Comes Halloween!!!
October 1, 2003 to October 5, 2003

12:34 pm October 1st, 2003
Subject: My yearly quest
When I was little my Mom bought me this ceramic spider for Halloween. It's really adorable. Even Andrew would have to love this Halloween decoration. She's got this cute little smile. When we first got her at a craft fair there was a little electronic music button hidden under the black cotton ball on her back. It played the theme from Hitchcock's show. I loved it. It was sad, in a way. I realized that even when I was so little and that somehow that made me really like it. The actual piece of music never made me sad but with that music box effect it was sad but beautiful. After a few years it stopped working and we replaced it with another one. But we couldn't find the Hitchcock one. All we got was one that has ghoulish sorts of noises. It wasn't at all the same and didn't match the spider near as well. Anyhow, I'm trying to search the web to find a replacement but no such luck. All the ones I'm finding are showtunes or hymns. Anyone know any good craft supply sites?

I'm feeling: melancholy

Me in 2015:

Ha!  Okay, so that one doesn't have much to do with Andrew but that's one of the decorations Andrew alludes to above.  (I decided JenniAnn could share my spiders with me.)  Happily, I did find the music box piece eventually and, even more happily, I realized it was battery operated so now I can just put lil watch batteries in.  Ironically, they're the same batteries that I use for my pocket watch so I imagine Andrew and JenniAnn share a stash.  :-)  The tune does still make me feel melancholy, though.  Maybe it's the nostalgia.  Anyhow, what was really cool was that on the same site where I found the music boxes, I also found the exact some ceramic spider.  So I bought that, painted it, and, thus, Teensy was born.

02:49 am October 3rd, 2003
Subject: Tonight's resolutions
1. I will not stare at the Door.
2. I will finish watching ER and other new shows I've taped and yet to watch and not watch TBAA.
3. I absolutely will not print off any fanfic.
4. Absolutely no looking at old journals for references to Andrew, just to see what I used to think.
5. Tomorrow, if I go get a new watch because the one I'd been using totally fell apart, I will not stare at the pocket watches in sappy manner.
6. Actually purchasing one is outright forbidden.

And yes Andrew, it is *you*.

I'm feeling: crazy

Me in 2015:

Okay...  Well, as you can see from above... I did end up buying a pocket watch.  And I got another two as gifts.  So there goes that resolution!  Clearly I felt that my crush on Andrew was getting obsessive (and I blamed him for that which really wasn't fair).  Good thing my younger self can't read modern day Dyeland stories! 

Not printing out fanfic may have been the wisest thing on that list.  I actually think it may have been written after I inadvertently read a fic that took a bad turn.  There was so much shipper stuff out at the time and some of it was a lil over-the-top.  I think a lot of my angst during this era stemmed from still being really taken with Andrew but not being able to do anything with that.  TBAA was done.  Fanfic could be dangerous.  Discussion had died down.  I wish it had occurred to me earlier to take Dyeland stories more seriously!  That's the way to use that energy... not venting on Livejournal.

08:30 pm October 3rd, 2003

Subject: Success!!
Well, I did very well last night with my resolutions. "E.R." nearly made me pop in an episode of TBAA but I resisted. Barber's "Adagio for Strings" just tears me up and when they played it... It's so painfully beautiful.

I'm pretty sure I just went to sleep after that. Or maybe I read something, really can't recall. In any case, did not read fanfic, pour over old journals, and obviously did not buy a pocket watch at 4 AM.

Today my friend ------ and I went shopping a bit. I didn't get anything but it was still fun. She also became the third person to see the Door. :-) She was nice enough to draw a baseball bat on the chalkboard part of it for me. The pocket watch had been up for a week and I felt I needed a change but everything I drew just looked like a random stick... I guess that's what friends are for, aiding and abetting you in your insaneness. Yay! We're both totally psyched for next week's Ren Faire!

I'm feeling: good

Me in 2015:

Well, that was a short-lived little tiff!  I'm shocked I was ever able to stay up til nearly 3:00 AM...  I feel old now...  I'm in bed by 9:00 lotsa nights.  Eeek.

Also, a new axiom: Friendship means drawing a baseball bat on your friend's chalkboard when they've turned a door into a paean to a TV angel of death. 

I should sell T-shirts!

01:13 am October 4th, 2003
Subject: Silly, silly girl...
I, for whatever reason, no longer have the heart to blame Vincent for my problems with being overdramatic and, at times, paranoid. But I do think his legacy of Shakespeare has been... interesting. Then again, should probably claim my paternal Grandpa's legacy of being an actor. My brother is so much like him, loves being on stage. I hate it. I suspected I'd just totally missed that part of my family's genetics. But I think I still got it. The highly dramatic part. But, thankfully for me, it was tempered by the shyness of my mother's side. And the sappiness of them, too.

Now for a brief word to my much-loved, albeit reality-challenged, whatever he is (shall come up with a name eventually, "crush" is just too general)...

Andrew, I'm really glad you're not going any where. Yes, you.

And people wonder why I don't drink much...

I'm feeling: relieved

Me in 2015:

I totally forgot how I used to blame Vincent for my being overdramatic at times...  Clearly I enjoyed blaming fictional people.  But I think my observations there are pretty astute.  I do think I inherited "the acting gene."  I just think it got filtered into writing.  I do sometimes go a little "method" with the writing and I do actually use exercises that I learned in the lone acting class I did take.  So there it is.

Also, this was written long before I learned the word "squish."  Although I'm not totally sure I would consider Andrew to be a squish.  Maybe back then, though. 

I wonder if that was written after I read The Silver Metal Lover?  Cause that had a Shakespearean tone and with a seeming immortal who... sniffle, sob... was not...  It actually did remind me of Andrew and LJA in a worst case scenario sorta way.  I wish some of these entries had more context! 

But, yes, it is good I don't drink much.  I can get plenty loopy without the influence of alcohol, thank you very much!  Although the occasional margarita, Woodchuck, or Irish coffee is nice!

09:44 am October 5th, 2003     
Subject: All right then, RISE!
I'm not sure what I dreamed last night but Mr. "Died and Risen Many Times" must have been in it cause of what I was thinking when I first woke up.
I have some new clarity on a few points:

1. Lady JenniAnn really needs to move on. I don't mean get over the Andrew thing. I mean accept that it's there and continue on until things change. Maybe it's something she's supposed to go through.
2. Yes, I'd like to go back to the old days when people posted for *days* about The Hair. But shock is not a good way to get that back. That's a good thing cause apparently I don't have the heart to do anything really shocking anyway.
3. But a little antagonism might be. :-) Now if I could just think of something genuinely questionable about Andrew... Post that, then wait for people to defend him. But, then again, what if no one defended him or someone posted and just agreed!
4. I'm wondering if searching out some new members might help... End my years long ban on anything resembling publicity.

My two friends and I loved our Christian Bale movie parties. Then, slowly we'd put off a movie for a couple hours to watch "Trading Spaces" instead. Where we used to watched 5-6 movies, we'd watch one. And that one only because it was new and no one had seen it. Honestly, I kinda like this better. But then it was never so much CB that was important to me as the fact that he brought us together. So if he still does that, who cares what we're watching at the time?

But it's not the same here. For whatever reason, Andrew does mean more to me than CB. OMG. He's haunting me. OMG. BRB

I'm feeling: scared
I'm listening to: "Remember Me" by Journey

Me in 2015:

Ooh!  Ooh!  I remember now!  So, around this time, I'd been stressing about JABB being really inactive.  And you may be thinking "Umm, Jenni, JABB's pretty inactive now..."  And you're right because there's not much activity on the list.  Although, funnily enough, we did just discuss hair.  (Hi, Cindy!)  But what was different about 2003 is I wasn't feeling very engaged myself.  Nowadays I sometimes feel like I'm engaged to the point of Dyeland potentially overriding what little social life I have.  (Definitely a homebody!)

Anyway...  In the midst of angsting about this, I had a dream in which Andrew looked at me and said "I have died and risen many times."  My reaction upon waking was "Umm...  Okay. You do realize that you're not Jesus, right?"  But I think what had happened is I'd watched TBAA and Romero on the same day and Archbishop Oscar Romero's quote ("As a Christian, I do not believe in death without resurrection. If they kill me, I shall rise again in the Salvadoran people.") got conflated with Andrew in my head.  But I ended up being really inspired by it because I took it to mean that while interest would ebb (die), it would also flow (rise) at other times.  And that's been true.  So the dream kept me from giving up on JABB.

But boy...  That first point.  Harsh!  Poor LJA!  The truth is, though, I didn't intend for her to end up with Andrew.  She was either supposed to die or get married to Eliot.  Glad I didn't box myself into those options!  I do wonder what shocking thing I was thinking of doing, though...  Heck, maybe I considered killing her off then.  Or maybe I was considering killing Andrew off somehow...  I really have no idea.

As for that cliffhanger... here's what happened and I kid you not.  I still remember gaping and getting goosebumps. 

09:59 am October 5th, 2003

Subject: All right... That was weird
So just as I was about to write "I wish he'd 'rise' back into people's minds on the list" I heard a creaking. Kinda ignored it. Two seconds later, CRASH! My Mom has this decorated Halloween tree. The whole thing fell... Ghosts, pumpkins, ghouls all over the floor! I know he hates Halloween but geez...


I'm feeling: amused

Me in 2015:

To date, I have no explanation for that.  I can still remember exactly where I was in relation to that tree.  It was on the microwave in the kitchen and I was in the corner of the kitchen on the computer (obviously).  No one else was in the room.  I was not at all near enough to touch the microwave or the tree.  But that happened.

Obviously I don't think Andrew really did it.  But, who knows, maybe it was my guardian angel sent to get my mind off of whatever stupid story idea I was considering?  Maybe I really did intend to kill someone off and maybe that would have changed the story enough that... no Joshua.  And that woulda been really scary.

And I think that's a good place to stop until next time!

This newsletter is dedicated to John Dye for nostalgia, plain and simple.  I really feel it when I go through old journal entries or old JABB things but I also feel it as a new TV season starts and I find myself longing for something like TBAA and remembering how great it was to have a new season to look forward to.

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