"Just don’t give up what you’re trying to do.
Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong."
~~Ella Fitzgerald

Hi all,

So I've been working on lots of different things of late.  Thus, it seemed like a good time to do another "Jenni and Jenni Write JABB" since then the newsletter is already half done by my younger self.  :-)  For those who are newer, this is when I go through my old journals, pull references to Andrew, TBAA, and the like, and comment on them.  Hopefully it'll be goofy and fun but sometimes it's a lil wistful, too.

Before I get to that, I'm overdue for an update on happenings on the web site so here goes: Three Dyeland stories have been added to the Author's Cut.  Those include Kim's "Morning Has Broken," Pia's "The Story of Eilish," and my "A Graduation Surprise."  As the previous Author's Cut was getting quite full, I put the latter on a new page: the Author's Cut Part Seven.  All new stories will go there until it, too, fills up... probably a few years from now.  But ya never know!  ;-)

God bless,

Jenni and Jenni Write JABB: The Rise of The Door
September 20, 2003 to September 30, 2003... apparently I was prolific that month

01:02 am September 20th, 2003               
Subject: OMG... This is just getting more and more crazy
So... I was just gonna sit down and watch "The Journalist". Started that. Got a little teary. Next thing I know I'm taping Andrew quotes to a door and then printing off pics. This is so insane... If I *even* start singing "Johnny Angel" I'm having myself committed. Tomorrow.

I'm feeling: crazy

Me in 2015:

I should see if I have a photo of that door.  Cause yep.  Totally did that.  My closet door in my old room ended up covered in photos and quotes of Andrew.

I can't tell ya if I ended up singing "Johnny Angel" or not.  I'm gonna guess no.  I actually am not very fond of it.  Too syrupy IMO.

02:10 am September 20th, 2003
Subject: Still crazy...
It's kinda annoying when I get one of those bursts of energy past 1 AM. So I'm using it to continue to look for pics and sing a song in my head. Basically just the phrase "I'm insane, I'm insane, I-i-i'm insane" over and over and over and over... Ooh Andrew in nice scenic photo. I mean actually nice scenery. Not him. Although he's nice, too.

I'm feeling: crazy

Me in 2015:

Seriously want to know exactly how much coffee and, quite likely, Code Red I'd imbibed at that point.  I believe that was pre-chai which means when I drank caffeine, I drank loads of caffeine... not some black tea spaced over a whole day as in most days now. 

I wonder what photo that was?  Maybe from the end of "Heaven's Portal."  I always liked those shots especially much.

10:30 am September 20th, 2003

Subject: Ooh... What did I do!?
I was really groggy when I woke up and a bit confused. I wasn't sure what the bit of bright blue was on my closet door. Then I saw the entire door and remembered... Somehow in the light the door seems a little bit, umm, more obnoxious than it did last night. See cause the only printed off Andrew quotes I had were ones from when I put them on my brother's door to get back at him for something. So they're all in neon cause I figured that was the most annoying. Plus they're all goofy. Well, all but like one. Which is way cool but I think I need a sense of balance. I need a "On one side there is life..." to go along with "Now I need to find someone who looks good in tights." and "Ten! Ten! Ten! Do I hear ten!"

But that will have to wait til tonight. I'm going out with some friends for one of their birthday's later and I need to get ready and go buy the latest Harry Potter for her before then. But will definitely focus on quotes tonight. Maybe put nice ones in pastel to contrast with funny ones in neon. Then again should maybe scrap neon all together!

I'm feeling: confused

Me in 2015:

You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think I was drunk when The Door came into being.  But just not that into alcohol.  For my brother's 21st birthday, I had two margaritas and that's my "heavy drinking" story.  Two margaritas.  So I was completely sober when I did that...  But aww...  Still fun to think of Andrew as an auctioneer... just no longer feel the need to commemorate it on a door.

03:23 am September 21st, 2003
Subject: The Door
Okay, so this is obviously a coping mechanism. At least it's a pretty fun one. I don't even wanna admit to how many photos I printed off for my door. It kinda worries be that the floor's gonna fall out on this and that I've built a very shaky coping strategy, based on a character on a cancelled TV show.

Then again, it's not like Andrew is the only way I'm dealing with stuff. I've wrote some very long things. Including one that ended up talking about St. Andrew and his role in Peter meeting Jesus... (I'm not entirely sure how I ended up there.) Anyway, that's all for now.

I'm feeling: good

Me in 2015:

I really wish I'd taken fiction writing more seriously back then.  Because the floor did fall out.  I'm not sure if I journaled about it but at some point after reading about a real life massacre for my Liberation Theology class, I got really angry at The Door and hung a curtain over it.  Writing a Dyeland story about whatever was bothering me would have been so much more healing and productive.

Now I wish I knew where that St. Andrew piece is...

11:09 pm September 21st, 2003
Subject: Today's festivities
Two friends and I went out to celebrate one of their birthdays. We went to Village Inn and ate and had a lovely chat. I like being with them because I can easily pretend we're still in high school. Afterwards one of them drove me home and became the first person to see the Andrew Door. :-) Actually it wasn't finished so I was madly taping up pics as we chatted. She thinks I'm a nerd (like herself, she admitted) but pointed out that I wasn't doing anything most of our friends haven't done. Just picked a rather different sort of person. Or non-person as the case may be. We couldn't decide whether "person" meant only humans or angels, too.

I'm feeling: tired

Me in 2015:

Ha!  That's hilarious.  Some people don't like having company when the dishes or laundry aren't done.  Me?  I was concerned about a door covered in photos of a TV angel not being done. 

And person definitely applies to angels.  I mean maybe it doesn't quite fit the dictionary definitions but I think so.  So they are.  So sayeth I! 

08:56 am September 22nd, 2003

Subject: I should be sleeping now...
I'm at work. Which isn't bad because, obviously, I'm not very busy. But I don't even wanna know what state I'll be in come my 5 PM class tonight. This is the one that's a total repeat of a class last semester, too! It makes it so tempting to skip when I've all ready seen the documentary and discussed the reading. Especially when I still have that blasted hacking cough. I wanted to see a doctor but apparently my records are still with my pediatrician. Which is interesting considering I haven't been there in at least two years... I don't know why Mom is dragging her feet on this. I just wanna be home watching "The Violin Lesson" or figuring out why the heck one of the quotes on my door reads "Whadya say Stevie?" (I don't suppose that should be too difficult to find out. It has to be from a pre-MDWA episode because I think it was shortly after MDWA that I printed off the quotes.) Last night I printed off some more quotes cause, while I intend for the door to be more amusing than anything else, I felt there needed to be something more profound than "That doesn't sound like camera equipment." I mean really, I'd rather my friends who see it not think I spent years crushing over someone whose best gem of wisdom was "No harm, no fowl!" So now I have "On one side there is life..." and stuff like that, too.

I think it's weird that I chose junior year or thereabouts to "flashback" to. I'm pretty sure I hated it first time around. Then again, I'm being very selective. Mostly sticking to clothes, movies, music, and foods and drinks I liked then. It's not like I'm trying to contact friends from that era. After all, they were the most problematic part of that year. But if I come down with pneumonia we'll all know I took this repeat of junior year of HS thing way, way too seriously...

I need a new icon. I love this one and will keep it but if I insist on continuously using an Andrew one, I should at least have one other one. Will work on that later.

I'm feeling: sick

Me in 2015:

No harm, no chickens, people! 

I miss my pediatrician...  The thing with that was, turns out, she actually saw patients up til age 25 or something.  Which is maybe why my mom was reluctant to transfer since we really trusted her since she's the one who caught my pneumonia back in high school.  Somehow it didn't occur to me that I could make that call to her office myself...  Sorry, Mom!

You can all have fun trying to figure out which episodes those quotes are from.  :-)

10:28 pm September 22nd, 2003    
Subject: Sigh...
I just watched "The Violin Lesson"... This is just getting way out of hand. But I like it. Andrew was so incredibly attractive when he confronted Jordan... Okay, this sap needs to go do some reading and then go to sleep.

I'm feeling: happy

Me in 2015:

Oh how much I do NOT miss assigned reading. 

Don't quite understand how watching TVL equates to "getting way out of hand."  Maybe just that I shoulda already been sleeping?  But I concur, younger me.  Andrew was way lovely when he confronted Jordan.  And I am *still* angry at Tess for reacting as she did.  Sure, it's Andrew's fault the violin got busted!  Geez...  Victim-blamer.  She was not good for Andrew when he was emotional...  So hypocritical since Monica was allowed much more emotional freedom.

Seriously, you do NOT want to get me started on TBAA and gender issues.

12:54 am September 24th, 2003
Subject: Giggle... Like I'd *not* take this one after I found it

(ETA in 2015: This began with a link to a "What TBAA angel are you?" quiz but said quiz is now defunct so I removed that part.)
I got....


That works I guess. I don't feel exceptionally joyful right now but maybe in general. Anyway, that means I get to hang out with...


I like to think that one day I'll be sitting with my daughters or the daughters of my friends, them giggling over their latest celeb crush. And they'll ask me who my biggest celeb crush was. And I'll be able to proudly say that by age 21 I had spent a fourth of my life writing newsletters and gushing and crushing over a thousands of year old nonhuman. Cause that would just be funny. And true...

I'm feeling: giggly

Me in 2015:

And now it's half my life! 

I've actually thought about just such a conversation since.  It's gonna be pretty bittersweet, if it ever happens, given John's passing.  But, hey, ya never know.  And maybe I'll even show the kid(s) this web site.

01:00 am September 24th, 2003
Subject: Whoa... A freaking fourth of my life!!
Not that I'm saying it's necessarily bad but... I've spent a fourth of my life at least somehow tied into this whole Andrew thing. That's more time than I've spent in any school. More time than I've known half my friends. More time than I've held any job. Predates Joshua, Celtic music, Harry Chapin, theatre (the complete fascination with it anyway), my webpages, and a slew of other stuff. That just didn't even occur to me that it was that huge of a chuck of my life until I wrote that last post.

I'm feeling: moody

Me in 2015:

Just to explain, the Joshua being referenced was Fr. Girzone's character from his books who, yes, was Jesus.  But fictional Jesus.  It's just sometimes now I use "Joshua" to refer to the actual Jesus and wanted to make it clear that the "Andrew thing" does not predate my relationship with actual Jesus.  I'm Catholic so never "found Jesus" or "welcomed the Lord into my life."  He was just always there.

It's weird reading these, though, because sometimes I think I'm overly dramatic now.  But I suspect I've actually chilled cause I think having spent half my life with JABB is actually kinda cool and not at all a reason to freak out.

11:48 am September 25th, 2003

Subject: The "final" door count
Okay, so I have... 43 pictures and 22 quotes of Andrew's currently on my door. This morning I finally got around to counting.

I had a dream about them last night. I was just sitting on my bed and suddenly half the pictures fell from the door. Very odd. Hope it doesn't mean anything scary.

I'm feeling: sleepy

Me in 2015:

And when I finally decided to take The Door stuff down, I couldn't bear to just toss the photos.  So most of them are now taped up in my crafts cabinets in the basement.  I believe the quotes are in a binder down there, too. 

11:01 pm September 25th, 2003
Subject: Door update/dream
Well... my prediction that someone from the family would find out about The Door today did not come true. People almost did twice. But the first time I was headed to the entrance door when Mom came so she didn't even come into my room. Then a second time my brother actually came into the room but when he opened the entrance door it covered the closet door so you couldn't see it.

In related news, last night I dreamed that I was sitting on my bed watching TV, with my bed curtains drawn back. So I could see The Door out of the corner of my eye. Suddenly half the pictures fell to the ground. Very odd. No wind or person brought them down. They just fell. Hmmm...

In other news, I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow to try and figure out what the heck is going on with this cough. Hope she can get rid of it quick!

I'm feeling: okay

Me in 2015:

I was really, really into The Door.  But, yeah, it was my closet door.  Eventually, I also had pictures and the occasional quote covering the actual door to my room.  But that was all Jesus.  So no one could get on my case about that.  :-)

No idea why I felt compelled to write about that dream twice.  Maybe I was so sleep-deprived that I didn't realize I had.

I miss my bed curtains...  They wouldn't work in my room now.  I mean I guess they would.  It'd just look pretty stupid. 

04:11 pm September 26th, 2003
Subject: Back from the doc's
I have pneumonia... again. Thankfully, this time it seems to be a more minor form. So no Visiting Nurses or IVs. And it shouldn't interfere with school. I still feel sick but just knowing what it is and that it won't pull me out of school for 3 weeks again helps a lot.

I'm feeling: better

Me in 2015:

What?!  I seriously have no memory of having pneumonia in college.  I thought I got it twice in high school and that was it.  Anyway, this has nothing to do with Andrew or John or JABB.  Just surprised.  But now I wanna see which newsletter my pneumonia-addled mind produced...


Not terrible...  I think Andrew's birthday is the only one we still do much with.  "Venice" Remembrance Day cracks me up.

10:45 pm September 26th, 2003
Subject: Last night's really creepy dream
Poor Andrew. I must have felt a real animosity towards him last night. Maybe on some level I knew he was going to be the one giving me bad news again.

I have a feeling the beginning of the dream was forgotten. Something must have happened to make me real, real mad at him. As a result, I kept running away from home. I wanted to hurt him. Not physically, just make him feel as bad as I did. So I just started up with really destructive, dangerous behavior. Let him see what he brought me to! Basically that amounted to hanging around bad parts of town by myself, hanging out with bad guys... At one point I was walking on a sidewalk and a guy pulled up in a car. He was sorta Adamesque. I quickly gathered he was a spy sent by Andrew. Then I noticed Andrew himself was a few yards up the street watching. This Adamesque guy seemed to be trying to talk some sense into me. But then when I saw Andrew his interference just made me mad. At some other point I ran into another guy. This one was bad. I was going to get into his car but... I just couldn't. The psychotic game had gone far enough and apparently my desire to live and remain the person I was overruled my desire to "make him sorry". So I went home. Someone said something about Andrew with out realizing I'd hear and I started to bolt. I went into the backyard with a family member chasing me. I started to jump the fence to get to the front yard and run but... Suddenly I realized I didn't wanna do this again. I went off to look for Andrew, wanting to make peace. I was reasonably happy.

I'm feeling: strangely moved

Me in 2015:

Well, that's just sad.  Long story short, I had this weird phase where a couple of my dreams ended up being kinda prescient and not in good ways.  In them, Andrew told me in so many words about what was going to happen.  So, at points, I'd kinda get into this "kill the messenger" sort of place.  Not literally.  I, of course, never wanted Andrew to die.  But I'd get as mad as one can get at a fictional character.  Now I just marvel at God's wisdom in forewarning me and using the image of someone I wouldn't be afraid of to do it.  Anyway...  I actually started to wonder what it would be like if such a thing happened with JenniAnn if it really was Andrew bringing her the messages.  And then she'd lash out.  What would he do?  What could he do?

The idea was too dark for me to pursue in Dyeland stories which, frankly, didn't have much depth at the time, anyway.  But I guess it worked its way into my dreams.  I really hope I'd never be that cruel or self-destructive in real life...

I think it was also around this time that I was analyzing the Catherine and Vincent relationship.  One thing that came up in that show that I don't think I ever really got over was when Catherine admitted that she sometimes put herself in danger to bring Vincent to her.  To my naive self, that was one of the most twisted things that I'd ever heard.  And I thought Catherine was a pretty upstanding person!  So maybe such thinking could happen to anyone...  I started to wonder if any of the Dyelanders would ever think that way re: Andrew.  Again... dark stuff but it's probably what prompted the dream.

01:06 am September 27th, 2003
Subject: When Flashbacks Attack!!
Okay, so this whole Andrew Renaissance thing has been way fun. For the most part. The dreams have been a little worrisome but apparently neccessary. The drinking coffees, watching old favorite movies, playing with old favorite toys, etc. has been really fun. The pneumonia thing... well, it could have been worse. My big gripe is the fact that Andrew, apparently having found himself unemployed following TBAA's departure from the air waves, has taken it upon himself to become my personal prophet. That's not as crazy as it sounds.

First, there was the whole Zack thing. If Andrew didn't look prophetic after that... But that, in the scheme of my life, was pretty minor. But then we have his revelation from earlier this month that just totally confused *everything* for a while and will, no doubt, continue to have repercussions. And now we come to today. Two nights ago I had that "Andrew pictures spontaneously fall from door" dream. For this to make any sense, you have to understand how I mark off time. Grade school graduation through first semester of high school is Vincent's Era. Second semester of freshman year to senior year is Andrew's Era. Christian Bale's Era overlaps Andrew a little bit in senior year and then pretty much takes over for quite some time until you hit Theatre Era in the last year or so. Vincent's Era pretty much was just depressing and confusing. Andrew's Era has a bunch of stuff, good and bad. That's when I made my core group of friends, got online and made friends there, and pretty much started to figure out my life. CB's Era is when I made my other two offline friends came into the picture. Theatre Era pretty much brought everything together.

So why all of the sudden a complete return to what looks suspiciously like Andrew's Era. Probably several reasons but I'm zeroing in on one particular theory in this post. Of my five close friends from that era, only two remain, K and S. And have remained for over three years since the rest of the group fell apart. Then, here recently, trouble has begun with those two. It's almost like the Andrew thing was a symbolic way for me to return to a time when things were simpler with that group. In effect, he symbolized that relationship between the three of us.

I dreamed that half his pictures mysteriously fell from that door. Only this morning did I find out that at the same time I lay in my bed dreaming this, S was being really, really stupid. My current hypothesis is that the half of the pictures that fell symbolized S. Because in my dream there was not a sense of "Oh no! Poor Andrew! I hope this doesn't bode ill for him!" The falling pictures meant something, but not anything that obvious. My worry is that S will continue down this dangerous road.

I'm feeling: sad

Me in 2015:

Happily, I reconnected with S on Facebook and she seems to be doing quite well though it was rocky for a while
.  Reading back over this, I do think the photos falling connection is a stretch.  But ya never know. 

I'm kinda baffled at why my younger self was so mystified by my reborn appreciation for TBAA.  I just really like Season 9, by and large.  I feel like, while there were definitely highlights, Seasons 7 and 8 just didn't quite work like I thought they should.  But Season 9 just seemed to gel so much better.  So why wouldn't a person start liking something more after a perceived improvement?  And, admittedly, I just plain liked the looks of Season 9 Andrew/John Dye. 

Clearly I had some sort of dream involving Andrew warning me off of getting too attached to the series finale but I can't find record of that.  Darn.  It'd be interesting to read about now.  Maybe it had hints of Joshua's coming in it.  :-)

11:12 pm September 30th, 2003

Subject: LOL! This is not good...
I'm now putting Freudian slips into my Dyeland posts! "Andrew" posted saying he was lost and lonely (cause his email was acting up horribly, just ask S---!) So I responded but instead accidentally said Andrew was "lost and *lovely*". Oh dear...

I'm feeling: amused

Me in 2015:

Aww, Dyeland posts.  I kinda miss those but the Friends Forum fills that void enough.  Just don't have the time any more for Dyeland emails.  Anyway, I think that's enough for this edition.

This newsletter is dedicated to John Dye for being one of only two men who inspired me to give them a door.  ;-)

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(Photo Credits: The photographs used on this page are from Touched by an Angel and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon Water Productions. They are not being used to seek profit.)