|"Just don’t give up what
you’re trying to do.
Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think
you can go wrong."
So I've been working on lots of different things of
late. Thus, it seemed like a good time to do another
"Jenni and Jenni Write JABB" since then the newsletter is
already half done by my younger self. :-) For
those who are newer, this is when I go through my old
journals, pull references to Andrew, TBAA, and the like, and
comment on them. Hopefully it'll be goofy and fun but
sometimes it's a lil wistful, too.
Before I get to that, I'm overdue for an update on happenings
on the web site so here goes: Three Dyeland stories have been
added to the Author's
Cut. Those include Kim's "Morning
Has Broken," Pia's "The
Story of Eilish," and my "A
Graduation Surprise." As the previous Author's Cut
was getting quite full, I put the latter on a new page: the Author's
Cut Part Seven. All new stories will go there
until it, too, fills up... probably a few years from
now. But ya never know! ;-)
Jenni and Jenni Write JABB: The Rise
of The Door
20, 2003 to September 30, 2003... apparently I was
prolific that month
am September 20th, 2003
Subject: OMG... This is just getting more and more crazy
So... I was just gonna sit down and watch "The
Journalist". Started that. Got a little teary. Next thing I
know I'm taping Andrew quotes to a door and then printing off
pics. This is so insane... If I *even* start singing "Johnny
Angel" I'm having myself committed. Tomorrow.
I'm feeling: crazy
Me in 2015:
I should see if I have a photo of that door. Cause
yep. Totally did that. My closet door in my old
room ended up covered in photos and quotes of Andrew.
I can't tell ya if I ended up singing "Johnny Angel" or
not. I'm gonna guess no. I actually am not very
fond of it. Too syrupy IMO.
September 20th, 2003
Subject: Still crazy...
It's kinda annoying when I get one of those bursts of
energy past 1 AM. So I'm using it to continue to look for
pics and sing a song in my head. Basically just the phrase
"I'm insane, I'm insane, I-i-i'm insane" over and over and
over and over... Ooh Andrew in nice scenic photo. I mean
actually nice scenery. Not him. Although he's nice, too.
I'm feeling: crazy
Me in 2015:
Seriously want to know exactly how much coffee and, quite
likely, Code Red I'd imbibed at that point. I believe
that was pre-chai which means when I drank caffeine, I drank
loads of caffeine... not some black tea spaced over a whole
day as in most days now.
I wonder what photo that was? Maybe from the end of
"Heaven's Portal." I always liked those shots
10:30 am September
Subject: Ooh... What did I do!?
I was really groggy when I woke up and a bit confused. I
wasn't sure what the bit of bright blue was on my closet door.
Then I saw the entire door and remembered... Somehow in the
light the door seems a little bit, umm, more obnoxious than it
did last night. See cause the only printed off Andrew quotes I
had were ones from when I put them on my brother's door to get
back at him for something. So they're all in neon cause I
figured that was the most annoying. Plus they're all goofy.
Well, all but like one. Which is way cool but I think I need a
sense of balance. I need a "On one side there is life..." to
go along with "Now I need to find someone who looks good in
tights." and "Ten! Ten! Ten! Do I hear ten!"
But that will have to wait til tonight. I'm going out
with some friends for one of their birthday's later and I need
to get ready and go buy the latest Harry Potter for her before
then. But will definitely focus on quotes tonight. Maybe put
nice ones in pastel to contrast with funny ones in neon. Then
again should maybe scrap neon all together!
I'm feeling: confused
Me in 2015:
You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think I was drunk
when The Door came into being. But just not that into
alcohol. For my brother's 21st birthday, I had two
margaritas and that's my "heavy drinking" story. Two
margaritas. So I was completely sober when I did
that... But aww... Still fun to think of
Andrew as an auctioneer... just no longer feel the need to
commemorate it on a door.
03:23 am September
Subject: The Door
Okay, so this is obviously a coping mechanism. At least
it's a pretty fun one. I don't even wanna admit to how many
photos I printed off for my door. It kinda worries be that the
floor's gonna fall out on this and that I've built a very
shaky coping strategy, based on a character on a cancelled TV
Then again, it's not like Andrew is the only way
I'm dealing with stuff. I've wrote some very long things.
Including one that ended up talking about St. Andrew and his
role in Peter meeting Jesus... (I'm not entirely sure how I
ended up there.) Anyway, that's all for now.
I'm feeling: good
Me in 2015:
I really wish I'd taken fiction writing more seriously
back then. Because the floor did fall out. I'm not
sure if I journaled about it but at some point after reading
about a real life massacre for my Liberation Theology class, I
got really angry at The Door and hung a curtain over it.
Writing a Dyeland story about whatever was bothering me would
have been so much more healing and productive.
Now I wish I knew where that St. Andrew piece
September 21st, 2003
Subject: Today's festivities
Two friends and I went out to celebrate one of their
birthdays. We went to Village Inn and ate and had a lovely
chat. I like being with them because I can easily pretend
we're still in high school. Afterwards one of them drove me
home and became the first person to see the Andrew Door. :-)
Actually it wasn't finished so I was madly taping up pics as
we chatted. She thinks I'm a nerd (like herself, she
admitted) but pointed out that I wasn't doing anything most
of our friends haven't done. Just picked a rather different
sort of person. Or non-person as the case may be. We
couldn't decide whether "person" meant only humans or
I'm feeling: tired
Me in 2015:
Ha! That's hilarious. Some people don't like
having company when the dishes or laundry aren't done.
Me? I was concerned about a door covered in
photos of a TV angel not being done.
And person definitely applies to angels. I mean
maybe it doesn't quite fit the dictionary definitions but
I think so. So they are. So sayeth I!
08:56 am September 22nd, 2003
Subject: I should be sleeping now...
I'm at work. Which isn't bad because, obviously, I'm not very
busy. But I don't even wanna know what state I'll be in come
my 5 PM class tonight. This is the one that's a total repeat
of a class last semester, too! It makes it so tempting to skip
when I've all ready seen the documentary and discussed the
reading. Especially when I still have that blasted hacking
cough. I wanted to see a doctor but apparently my records are
still with my pediatrician. Which is interesting considering I
haven't been there in at least two years... I don't know why
Mom is dragging her feet on this. I just wanna be home
watching "The Violin Lesson" or figuring out why the heck one
of the quotes on my door reads "Whadya say Stevie?" (I don't
suppose that should be too difficult to find out. It has to be
from a pre-MDWA episode because I think it was shortly after
MDWA that I printed off the quotes.) Last night I printed off
some more quotes cause, while I intend for the door to be more
amusing than anything else, I felt there needed to be
something more profound than "That doesn't sound like camera
equipment." I mean really, I'd rather my friends who see it
not think I spent years crushing over someone whose best gem
of wisdom was "No harm, no fowl!" So now I have "On one side
there is life..." and stuff like that, too.
I think it's weird that I chose junior year or thereabouts to
"flashback" to. I'm pretty sure I hated it first time around.
Then again, I'm being very selective. Mostly sticking to
clothes, movies, music, and foods and drinks I liked then.
It's not like I'm trying to contact friends from that era.
After all, they were the most problematic part of that year.
But if I come down with pneumonia we'll all know I took this
repeat of junior year of HS thing way, way too seriously...
I need a new icon. I love this one and will keep it but if I
insist on continuously using an Andrew one, I should at least
have one other one. Will work on that later.
I'm feeling: sick
Me in 2015:
No harm, no chickens, people!
I miss my pediatrician... The thing with that was, turns
out, she actually saw patients up til age 25 or
something. Which is maybe why my mom was reluctant to
transfer since we really trusted her since she's the one who
caught my pneumonia back in high school. Somehow it
didn't occur to me that I could make that call to her office
myself... Sorry, Mom!
You can all have fun trying to figure out which episodes those
quotes are from. :-)
10:28 pm September
I just watched "The Violin Lesson"... This is just getting
way out of hand. But I like it. Andrew was so incredibly
attractive when he confronted Jordan... Okay, this sap needs
to go do some reading and then go to sleep.
I'm feeling: happy
Me in 2015:
Oh how much I do NOT miss assigned reading.
Don't quite understand how watching TVL equates to "getting
way out of hand." Maybe just that I shoulda already been
sleeping? But I concur, younger me. Andrew was way
lovely when he confronted Jordan. And I am *still* angry
at Tess for reacting as she did. Sure, it's Andrew's
fault the violin got busted! Geez...
Victim-blamer. She was not good for Andrew when he was
emotional... So hypocritical since Monica was allowed
much more emotional freedom.
Seriously, you do NOT want to get me started on TBAA and
12:54 am September
Subject: Giggle... Like I'd *not* take this one after I
(ETA in 2015: This began with a link to a "What TBAA angel
are you?" quiz but said quiz is now defunct so I removed
That works I guess. I don't feel exceptionally joyful right now
but maybe in general. Anyway, that means I get to hang out
I like to think that one day I'll be sitting with my
daughters or the daughters of my friends, them giggling over
their latest celeb crush. And they'll ask me who my biggest
celeb crush was. And I'll be able to proudly say that by age
21 I had spent a fourth of my life writing newsletters and
gushing and crushing over a thousands of year old nonhuman.
Cause that would just be funny. And true...
I'm feeling: giggly
Me in 2015:
And now it's half my life!
I've actually thought about just such a conversation
since. It's gonna be pretty bittersweet, if it ever
happens, given John's passing. But, hey, ya never
know. And maybe I'll even show the kid(s) this web site.
September 24th, 2003
Subject: Whoa... A freaking fourth of my life!!
Not that I'm saying it's necessarily bad but... I've
spent a fourth of my life at least somehow tied into this
whole Andrew thing. That's more time than I've spent in any
school. More time than I've known half my friends. More time
than I've held any job. Predates Joshua, Celtic music, Harry
Chapin, theatre (the complete fascination with it anyway),
my webpages, and a slew of other stuff. That just didn't
even occur to me that it was that huge of a chuck of my life
until I wrote that last post.
I'm feeling: moody
Me in 2015:
Just to explain, the Joshua being referenced was Fr.
Girzone's character from his books who, yes, was Jesus.
But fictional Jesus. It's just sometimes now I use
"Joshua" to refer to the actual Jesus and wanted to make it
clear that the "Andrew thing" does not predate my relationship
with actual Jesus. I'm Catholic so never "found Jesus"
or "welcomed the Lord into my life." He was just always
It's weird reading these, though, because sometimes I
think I'm overly dramatic now. But I suspect I've
actually chilled cause I think having spent half my life with
JABB is actually kinda cool and not at all a reason to freak
11:48 am September 25th, 2003
Subject: The "final" door count
Okay, so I have... 43 pictures and 22 quotes of
Andrew's currently on my door. This morning I finally got
around to counting.
I had a dream about them last night. I was just
sitting on my bed and suddenly half the pictures fell from
the door. Very odd. Hope it doesn't mean anything scary.
I'm feeling: sleepy
Me in 2015:
And when I finally decided to take The Door stuff down,
I couldn't bear to just toss the photos. So most of them
are now taped up in my crafts cabinets in the basement.
I believe the quotes are in a binder down there, too.
September 25th, 2003
Subject: Door update/dream
Well... my prediction that someone from the family
would find out about The Door today did not come true.
People almost did twice. But the first time I was headed to
the entrance door when Mom came so she didn't even come into
my room. Then a second time my brother actually came into
the room but when he opened the entrance door it covered the
closet door so you couldn't see it.
In related news, last night I dreamed that I was
sitting on my bed watching TV, with my bed curtains drawn
back. So I could see The Door out of the corner of my eye.
Suddenly half the pictures fell to the ground. Very odd. No
wind or person brought them down. They just fell. Hmmm...
In other news, I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow to
try and figure out what the heck is going on with this
cough. Hope she can get rid of it quick!
I'm feeling: okay
Me in 2015:
I was really, really into The Door. But, yeah, it
was my closet door. Eventually, I also had pictures and
the occasional quote covering the actual door to my
room. But that was all Jesus. So no one could get
on my case about that. :-)
No idea why I felt compelled to write about that dream
twice. Maybe I was so sleep-deprived that I didn't
realize I had.
I miss my bed curtains... They wouldn't work in my
room now. I mean I guess they would. It'd just
look pretty stupid.
September 26th, 2003
Subject: Back from the doc's
I have pneumonia... again. Thankfully, this time it
seems to be a more minor form. So no Visiting Nurses or IVs.
And it shouldn't interfere with school. I still feel sick
but just knowing what it is and that it won't pull me out of
school for 3 weeks again helps a lot.
I'm feeling: better
Me in 2015:
What?! I seriously have no memory of having
pneumonia in college. I thought I got it twice in high
school and that was it. Anyway, this has nothing to do
with Andrew or John or JABB. Just surprised. But
now I wanna see which newsletter my pneumonia-addled mind
Not terrible... I think Andrew's birthday is the
only one we still do much with. "Venice" Remembrance Day
cracks me up.
September 26th, 2003
Subject: Last night's really creepy dream
Poor Andrew. I must have felt a real animosity towards
him last night. Maybe on some level I knew he was going to
be the one giving me bad news again.
I have a feeling the beginning of the dream was
forgotten. Something must have happened to make me real,
real mad at him. As a result, I kept running away from home.
I wanted to hurt him. Not physically, just make him feel as
bad as I did. So I just started up with really destructive,
dangerous behavior. Let him see what he brought me to!
Basically that amounted to hanging around bad parts of town
by myself, hanging out with bad guys... At one point I was
walking on a sidewalk and a guy pulled up in a car. He was
sorta Adamesque. I quickly gathered he was a spy sent by
Andrew. Then I noticed Andrew himself was a few yards up the
street watching. This Adamesque guy seemed to be trying to
talk some sense into me. But then when I saw Andrew his
interference just made me mad. At some other point I ran
into another guy. This one was bad. I was going to get into
his car but... I just couldn't. The psychotic game had gone
far enough and apparently my desire to live and remain the
person I was overruled my desire to "make him sorry". So I
went home. Someone said something about Andrew with out
realizing I'd hear and I started to bolt. I went into the
backyard with a family member chasing me. I started to jump
the fence to get to the front yard and run but... Suddenly I
realized I didn't wanna do this again. I went off to look
for Andrew, wanting to make peace. I was reasonably happy.
I'm feeling: strangely moved
Me in 2015:
Well, that's just sad. Long story short, I had
this weird phase where a couple of my dreams ended up being
kinda prescient and not in good ways. In them, Andrew
told me in so many words about what was going to happen.
So, at points, I'd kinda get into this "kill the messenger"
sort of place. Not literally. I, of course, never
wanted Andrew to die. But I'd get as mad as one can get
at a fictional character. Now I just marvel at God's
wisdom in forewarning me and using the image of someone I
wouldn't be afraid of to do it. Anyway... I
actually started to wonder what it would be like if such a
thing happened with JenniAnn if it really was Andrew bringing
her the messages. And then she'd lash out. What
would he do? What could he do?
The idea was too dark for me to pursue in Dyeland
stories which, frankly, didn't have much depth at the time,
anyway. But I guess it worked its way into my
dreams. I really hope I'd never be that cruel or
self-destructive in real life...
I think it was also around this time that I was
analyzing the Catherine and Vincent relationship. One
thing that came up in that show that I don't think I ever
really got over was when Catherine admitted that she sometimes
put herself in danger to bring Vincent to her. To my
naive self, that was one of the most twisted things that I'd
ever heard. And I thought Catherine was a pretty
upstanding person! So maybe such thinking could happen
to anyone... I started to wonder if any of the
Dyelanders would ever think that way re: Andrew.
Again... dark stuff but it's probably what prompted the dream.
September 27th, 2003
Subject: When Flashbacks Attack!!
Okay, so this whole Andrew Renaissance thing has been
way fun. For the most part. The dreams have been a little
worrisome but apparently neccessary. The drinking coffees,
watching old favorite movies, playing with old favorite
toys, etc. has been really fun. The pneumonia thing... well,
it could have been worse. My big gripe is the fact that
Andrew, apparently having found himself unemployed following
TBAA's departure from the air waves, has taken it upon
himself to become my personal prophet. That's not as crazy
as it sounds.
First, there was the whole Zack thing. If Andrew
didn't look prophetic after that... But that, in the scheme
of my life, was pretty minor. But then we have his
revelation from earlier this month that just totally
confused *everything* for a while and will, no doubt,
continue to have repercussions. And now we come to today.
Two nights ago I had that "Andrew pictures spontaneously
fall from door" dream. For this to make any sense, you have
to understand how I mark off time. Grade school graduation
through first semester of high school is Vincent's Era.
Second semester of freshman year to senior year is Andrew's
Era. Christian Bale's Era overlaps Andrew a little bit in
senior year and then pretty much takes over for quite some
time until you hit Theatre Era in the last year or so.
Vincent's Era pretty much was just depressing and confusing.
Andrew's Era has a bunch of stuff, good and bad. That's when
I made my core group of friends, got online and made friends
there, and pretty much started to figure out my life. CB's
Era is when I made my other two offline friends came into
the picture. Theatre Era pretty much brought everything
So why all of the sudden a complete return to what
looks suspiciously like Andrew's Era. Probably several
reasons but I'm zeroing in on one particular theory in this
post. Of my five close friends from that era, only two
remain, K and S. And have remained for over three years
since the rest of the group fell apart. Then, here recently,
trouble has begun with those two. It's almost like the
Andrew thing was a symbolic way for me to return to a time
when things were simpler with that group. In effect, he
symbolized that relationship between the three of us.
I dreamed that half his pictures mysteriously fell
from that door. Only this morning did I find out that at the
same time I lay in my bed dreaming this, S was being really,
really stupid. My current hypothesis is that the half of the
pictures that fell symbolized S. Because in my dream there
was not a sense of "Oh no! Poor Andrew! I hope this doesn't
bode ill for him!" The falling pictures meant something, but
not anything that obvious. My worry is that S will continue
down this dangerous road.
I'm feeling: sad
Me in 2015:
Happily, I reconnected with S on Facebook and she seems to be
doing quite well though it was rocky for a while.
Reading back over this, I do think the photos falling
connection is a stretch. But ya never know.
I'm kinda baffled at why my younger self was so
mystified by my reborn appreciation for TBAA. I just
really like Season 9, by and large. I feel like, while
there were definitely highlights, Seasons 7 and 8 just didn't
quite work like I thought they should. But Season 9 just
seemed to gel so much better. So why wouldn't a person
start liking something more after a perceived
improvement? And, admittedly, I just plain liked the
looks of Season 9 Andrew/John Dye.
Clearly I had some sort of dream involving Andrew
warning me off of getting too attached to the series finale
but I can't find record of that. Darn. It'd be
interesting to read about now. Maybe it had hints of
Joshua's coming in it. :-)
September 30th, 2003
Subject: LOL! This is not good...
I'm now putting Freudian slips into my Dyeland posts!
"Andrew" posted saying he was lost and lonely (cause his
email was acting up horribly, just ask S---!) So I responded
but instead accidentally said Andrew was "lost and
*lovely*". Oh dear...
Me in 2015:
Aww, Dyeland posts. I kinda miss those but the Friends
Forum fills that void enough. Just don't
have the time any more for Dyeland emails. Anyway, I
think that's enough for this edition.
This newsletter is dedicated to John Dye
for being one of only two men who inspired me to give them a
(Photo Credits: The photographs used on this
page are from Touched by an Angel and
owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions,
and Moon Water Productions. They are not being
used to seek profit.)