is not merely a distant goal that we seek,
but a means by which we arrive at that goal.”
~~Martin Luther King Jr.
Okay... I'm trying something here. As you're no doubt
aware, JABB has always been very Andrew-centric. It's
simply much easier for me to write about Andrew than any other
John character. We have more material involving him than
any other character, there's just so much a writer can do with
him, more JABB members know about him than any other character,
and... he's fictional. While the tributes to John that
we've written here over the years are among my favorites, it
simply wasn't sustainable to write about John every two
weeks. I never really knew the extent of his awareness of
JABB so I'd just get too hung up worrying about whether he might
see something and feel like we were wanting to pry or set up
expectations for him. Thus, I largely steered JABB towards
John's fictional personas. I still think this was the best
course of action... but I do wish there was more coverage of
John's roles outside of Andrew. So... I'm gonna try to
branch out some. It's hard for me to have much of a sense
of humor about Doc Hock... but I can try. Here I go...
Now... I love Doc Hock. But the dude maybe
wasn't the most creative soul out there. In the
episode "Dead Man Tales," our favorite medic ponders what
exactly he's supposed to do with the cooked duck head he was
given during dinner with the family of a girl he was smitten
with. Well, I wish he'd been able to ask me cause I
Fun toy for Doc's little baboon buddy! I wish Doc had
gotten to keep him instead... Doc sorely needed a
8. Use it to boost
morale. Whenever the men started complaining about the
icky food, Doc coulda pulled that out and said "Well, at
least we're not eating this." That just mighta
silenced the grumbles... for a bit.
7. Doc could have
sent a photo of his totally awesome prize to that no-good,
cheating girlfriend of his with a note reading "Forget about
you! I've found someone else and look what her daddy
gave me! Ha! I bet your new boyfriend doesn't
have one of these!" Actually... maybe not...
6. Regale the rest
of Team Viking with nighttime shadow puppet shows featuring
Morty the Decapitated Duck! Endless hours of
5. Doc could have
had his intense political discussions with Morty. It
would have kept the rest of the guys from being annoyed with
him... and just may have gotten him sent home as I'm not
sure talking to food with eyes would really make the Army
comfortable with his sanity.
4. Turn it into a smashing pendant to be
strung on his love beads! Nothing says free love like
3. Bronze it
and put it on the top of a cane... Doc would have
looked super-fly with his new accessory. Get him a
big, brightly colored hat and he'd look like he belonged in
the red light district. Might as well blend in when
he's doling out all those inoculations!
2. Make the
barracks more homey by tacking the duck head to the wall for
a unique and whimsical coat hook.
1. Doc was pretty
creative with the whole Vietnam-themed Monopoly board game
he created for Purcell. Why stop there? When
he's not using Morty as a cane, he could flip it upside down
and embark on an exciting game of golf. Who needs a
9-iron when ya got a duck head???
You've Been Watching Too Much Tour of Duty
~ You've taken to referring to your
supervisor/boss as "Sarge."
~ HR called you in
for a talk after you consistently referred to the newest
employee as "the newbie" and, worse yet, "the FNG."
~ You got really
thrown when Doc Hock started glowing... and it took you
a while to remember you'd switched to the TBAA DVDs.
~ Your housemate
freaked out because you painted a huge peace sign on the
~ In true Pavlovian fashion, you've burst into tears
upon seeing a normally mustached man without his furry
~ You shudder
whenever you hear the words "sweet and sour pork."
~ You refer to the
Rolling Stones as "those guys who performed the Tour
~ When asked what
your favorite Christmas carol is you blurt out "John Dye
singing 'Jingle Bells'!" even though, sadly, we only
heard a small portion. Sigh...
~ You quote
Pop-Eye the Sailorman and you're not even a fan.
~ You refer to
your house as your hooch.
~ You've ever
glimpsed someone moving a bed and immediately developed
chills... (Was John crazy-amazing and
heartbreaking in that scene or what!?)
~ You now think wearing multiple hippie necklaces and a
leather strap around your head are the height of
~ Thanksgiving just isn't complete until you've heard
John-as-Doc do his turkey impression.
And thus ends JABB's
first ever exclusively Doc Hock-themed issue, I
think. It was kinda hard to do but maybe I'm on
Though John never
had children, I'd like to especially remember him
today on Father's Day. There are many children
out there without fathers to exemplify the Father in
Heaven and make them comfortable with the idea of
Him. Then there are the children of all ages who
may have great fathers but maybe just don't really
discuss the big issues of life, death, and faith with
their dads. John helped fill those gaps.
As Andrew, he gave us a glimpse of what the
unconditional love of our heavenly Father is
like. Through that role and several others, he
also made us look closely at the big questions and
seek the important answers. Happy Father's Day,
John. Your children number the stars.