"What dreadful hot weather we have!
It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance."
~ Jane Austen

Hi all,

You ever have one of those lazy summer days when it's really hot, you're tired, and you just don't feel like doing much even though you have lots to do?  Well, that's what I'm feeling!  So I hope you enjoy this slacker-fest of a newsletter.  :-)

God bless,

Fun with Andrew and Ridiculous Online Apps

So perhaps some of you have heard of the site "I Write Like."  It purports to tell you which famous author your style resembles.  Of course, it's complete nonsense.  But as I'm slacking, merely copying and pasting stuff I've already written sounded like an awesome idea.  Therefore, I decided it would be fun to lift some lines from Dyeland stories and see who this site thinks Andrew speaks like.  Below are my results...

First up... Andrew of February 2010. 

To represent our esteemed Angel Boy at that particular time in his life, I chose the following paragraph from "When You Are Real" aka JABB 293.  Let's see which famous author's voice he echoes...

"There are the children who grew up being taught that I would never, ever harm them.  And when I lost sight of that all... when all the hate and the cruelty and the anger clouded my mind and broke my heart and hurt my spirit... you all fought for me.  And, yes, with me.  But you didn't give up.  You all loved me that much.  And you remained at my side when I mourned Dawn.  And in November... don't you think I realize it would have been easier to turn your backs and wait in Dyeland until my assignment ended?  But you didn't.  You were all there for me every last moment you could be.  Can you understand why this is worth it to me?"

And the answer is...

Margaret Mitchell.  That's right.  In his spare time Andrew writes about spoiled southern belles and men who just don't give a damn.  Well, he *does* have that Southern twang...

Alright but what about Andrew of November 2009?  Ooh... dark time...  Actually, first, let's check right before that with Andrew of October 2009 in "Be Thou My Vision."

The sample used was:

"I knew he wasn't going to hurt me but I have to admit... I thought maybe our friend here had imbibed a little too much ale.  But it turns out he was more clear-headed than I was.  As we went through the motions, Adam rattled off everything I'd told him.  All my concerns, all the imagined twists the case might take if I didn't do my absolute best.  The more he said, the worse I got at blocking him.  Then he just stopped and dug his sword into the ground.  He told me that the more worked up I got about what I thought *might* happen, the less I'd been able to deal with what was happening: the duel.  I realized then it was the same story with my assignments.  If I got concerned about what might happen, I could miss what was happening."

And the answer... Stephen King.  Ha!  That's awesome!  I actually could see Andrew writing something like The Green Mile but I just don't think our boy has a Carrie or The Shining in him.  Or It.  Besides, Andrew was a mime so I don't think he'd want to write about an evil clown.  And, also, Monica was once a clown and just because she scares me doesn't mean she scares him.  ;-) 

Alright... now to our darling during the worst of his experience on the streets.  Sob...  So let's check who he mimics using the following sample from Part II of "In the House of the Lord."

"You are so special to God.  And you've become so special to me.  All three of you did and I wish... I wish I could have protected you and Ryan.  I'm so, so sorry I couldn't.  So sorry this has happened to you...  And G-God is, too.  But now... now you will never feel any pain again and you'll be able to feel His love so fully... more fully than my words or any can ever, ever express.  Maggie, it's time to go Home.  To a Home that will always, always be there for you... my friend."

Ernest Hemingway.  Oh no...  Well, now that's just unfortunate.  There ain't no bell gonna be tolling for our boy! 

Alright, maybe I'll get a happier author if I pluck something from post-homeless Andrew...  Here's from later in "House." 

"I wish I had an answer for you but I don't.  Maybe one day I will be Home for good.  I don't know.  I'm touched that you'd think of that for me even though I wish you didn't have those kinds of worries.  You know what I do know?  When the time comes, and I hope it's a long time from now, we'll all be together there.  And even when I do leave, I'll have those memories.  And when I come back... time simply... well, it just isn't in Heaven.  I'll have an eternity with all of you in between assignments.  That's just what I know, Laja.  Who can tell what the Father has planned?  Whatever it is, I know He planned it with nothing but love for each and every one of us.  Can you trust in that even when there's so much we don't know?"

Please be someone happy, please be someone happy!

And... Raymond Chandler?  ::clunks head on desk::  No...

Okay, let's go to Christmas.  Christmas is a happy time!

Speaking to you from Dec. 21, 2009 in "The Past, the Present, and the Future"...

"Mandy, there was a real Santa Claus and he lived a very long time ago.  Back then he was known as Nicholas.  He was very generous and loved to bring joy to people.  And when people are that loving and that kind, they continue to have a presence in the world... even after they go to Heaven.  So now, every year, Santa's spirit touches people.  He inspires them and they become Santa to each other.  So, yes, in that way your Mom is Santa.  She loves you and she wants you to feel that love Nicholas felt so strongly.  And that man: he's full of that love Nicholas knew... and still knows... so well, too.  And do you want to know something else I know, Mandy?"

::crosses fingers::

James Joyce.  Well, Andrew has been exposed to plenty of Irishness.  I'll take it. 

Okay, one more.  A very recent Andrew from "The Penny"... and he's speaking to a kid so this better be good!

"Even though I know that, sometimes I still need to hear it.  Thank you for telling me, Shelby.  I wouldn't ever want to disappoint you and it makes me feel a whole lot better to know you understand that sometimes trying is all I can do.  You know, you remind me of President Lincoln in another way besides how you kept trying with the money."

Kurt Vonnegut?!?  Oh... I'm not sure Andrew could write some of those things...  ::shudders::

Okay, so then I decided to hop on over to genderanalyzer.com and see whether they think Andrew's Blog is written by a male or female and I got...

Well, it's written 83% by a woman.  Failure on my part!  I guess only 17% of the time do I sound anything like the several thousands of years old if not bazillions of years old male I'm trying to write for.  Oh well...

So then that led me to UrLai where I'm told Andrew's Blog reveals that he's... Oh good gosh...  Apparently, the person who writes Andrew's Blog is most likely a 66-100 year old woman who is happy about 75% of the time and talks almost 100% of the time about personal matters.  Fail, fail, fail.  I don't know if it's worse that I apparently can't get a computer to think I'm male or that said computer thinks I'm 66 at the youngest...  Although I would like to think Andrew is at least 75% happy and if I'm 75% happy while writing for him... even better!

I then considered having some of Andrew's actual TBAA lines analyzed but was afraid that would depress me...  I mean what if it says he's a depressed 17 year old girl!?!  Or Virginia Woolf...  So... that's enough of showing you what *I* do to combat summer boredom and exhaustion.  Here's a...

Top Ten Signs the Summer Has Really Gotten to You

10.  You won't watch any TBAA episodes set in the desert nor parts of Campus Man because it just reminds you of how cruddy your sun burnt lawn looks.

9.  You're too exhausted to get up and grab a DVD so spend 45 minutes watching blank screen instead of TBAA or ToD.

8.  Flannel and cuddly sweaters have lost all appeal for you...  In fact, whenever you think of them it's immediately followed by an overwhelming fear of Andrew overheating.

7.  You're fantasizing about Andrew dripping wet at the end of "Jones V. God" and not because, duh, he's Andrew but because that rain looks soooo good.

6.  You watched Campus Man and the pool completely stole your attention away from JD's Todd.

5.  You see the end of the episode "The Trigger" and you're jealous of Monica not because she gets to skate with Andrew but because she's surrounded by lovely, lovely oh-so-cold ice.

4.  You've begun watching Once Upon a Christmas and Twice Upon a Christmas daily, not because you enjoy them that much but because they allow you to see snow.

3.  Heat has you so delirious that you started watching Heart of the Beholder, forgot what it was, saw JD, figured it must be TBAA, and then called a friend in hysterics because Andrew was doing something unseemly with a woman.

2.  Andrew is standing beside you as you read this, juggling icy cold cans of ginger ale while singing "Summer Loving" from Grease.  Stop reading this now and call 911.  You've clearly overheated.

1.  Your new favorite TBAA episode is "Let It Snow."  You just keep rewatching the part where Andrew makes snow angels with Ian, the little boy whose mother he's assigned to.  And also the part where he does a Polar Bear Plunge.  I love that part!  Ooh and when he sits on the porch and admires the wintery, starry sky and it's so cold you can see his breath and...  What?  That's not a real TBAA episode?  But I was just watching it!  Oh, crud, I think I better go call 911...

Stay cool!


JABB 306

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