"What dreadful hot weather we have!
It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance."
~ Jane Austen
You ever have one of those lazy
summer days when it's really hot,
you're tired, and you just don't feel like doing much even though you
have lots to do? Well, that's what I'm feeling! So I hope
you enjoy this slacker-fest of a newsletter. :-)
Fun with Andrew and Ridiculous Online
So perhaps some of you have
heard of the site "I Write Like."
purports to tell you which famous author your style resembles. Of
course, it's complete nonsense. But as I'm slacking, merely
copying and pasting stuff I've already written sounded like an awesome
idea. Therefore, I decided it
would be fun to lift some lines from Dyeland stories and see who this
site thinks Andrew speaks like. Below are my
First up... Andrew of February
To represent our esteemed Angel
Boy at that particular time in his
life, I chose the following paragraph from "When You Are Real" aka JABB
293. Let's see which famous author's voice he echoes...
the children who grew up
being taught that I would never,
ever harm them. And when I lost sight of that all... when all the
hate and the cruelty and the anger clouded my mind and broke my heart
and hurt my spirit... you all fought for me. And, yes, with
me. But you didn't give up. You all loved me that
much. And you remained at my side when I mourned Dawn. And
in November... don't you think I realize it would have been easier to
turn your backs and wait in Dyeland until my assignment ended?
But you didn't. You were all there for me every last moment you
could be. Can you understand why this is worth it to me?"
And the answer is...
Margaret Mitchell. That's
right. In his spare time Andrew
writes about spoiled southern belles and men who just don't give a
damn. Well, he *does* have that Southern twang...
Alright but what about Andrew of
November 2009? Ooh... dark
time... Actually, first, let's check right before that with
Andrew of October 2009 in "Be Thou My Vision."
The sample used was:
"I knew he
wasn't going to hurt me
but I have to admit... I thought
maybe our friend here had imbibed a little too much ale. But it
turns out he was more clear-headed than I was. As we went through
the motions, Adam rattled off everything I'd told him. All my
concerns, all the imagined twists the case might take if I didn't do my
absolute best. The more he said, the worse I got at blocking
him. Then he just stopped and dug his sword into the
ground. He told me that the more worked up I got about what I
thought *might* happen, the less I'd been able to deal with what was
happening: the duel. I realized then it was the same story with
my assignments. If I got concerned about what might happen, I
could miss what was happening."
And the answer... Stephen
King. Ha! That's awesome! I
actually could see Andrew writing something like The Green
Mile but I just
don't think our boy has a Carrie
him. Or It.
Besides, Andrew was a mime so I don't think he'd want to write about an
evil clown. And, also, Monica was once a clown and just because
she scares me doesn't mean she scares him. ;-)
Alright... now to our darling
during the worst of his experience on the
streets. Sob... So let's check who he mimics using the
following sample from Part II of "In the House of the Lord."
"You are so
special to God. And
you've become so special to
me. All three of you did and I wish... I wish I could have
protected you and Ryan. I'm so, so sorry I couldn't. So
sorry this has happened to you... And G-God is, too. But
now... now you will never feel any pain again and you'll be able to
feel His love so fully... more fully than my words or any can ever,
ever express. Maggie, it's time to go Home. To a Home that
will always, always be there for you... my friend."
Ernest Hemingway. Oh
no... Well, now that's just
unfortunate. There ain't no bell gonna be tolling for our
Alright, maybe I'll get a
happier author if I pluck something from
post-homeless Andrew... Here's from later in "House."
"I wish I
had an answer for you but I
don't. Maybe one day I will
be Home for good. I don't know. I'm touched that you'd
think of that for me even though I wish you didn't have those kinds of
worries. You know what I do know? When the time comes, and
I hope it's a long time from now, we'll all be together there.
And even when I do leave, I'll have those memories. And when I
come back... time simply... well, it just isn't in Heaven. I'll
have an eternity with all of you in between assignments. That's
just what I know, Laja. Who can tell what the Father has
planned? Whatever it is, I know He planned it with nothing but
love for each and every one of us. Can you trust in that even
when there's so much we don't know?"
Please be someone happy, please
be someone happy!
And... Raymond Chandler?
::clunks head on desk:: No...
Okay, let's go to
Christmas. Christmas is a happy time!
Speaking to you from Dec. 21,
2009 in "The Past, the Present, and the
there was a real Santa Claus
and he lived a very long time ago. Back then he was known as
Nicholas. He was very generous and loved to bring joy to
people. And when people are that loving and that kind, they
continue to have a presence in the world... even after they go to
Heaven. So now, every year, Santa's spirit touches people.
He inspires them and they become Santa to each other. So, yes, in
that way your Mom is Santa. She loves you and she wants you to
feel that love Nicholas felt so strongly. And that man: he's full
of that love Nicholas knew... and still knows... so well, too.
And do you want to know something else I know, Mandy?"
James Joyce. Well, Andrew
has been exposed to plenty of
Irishness. I'll take it.
Okay, one more. A very
recent Andrew from "The Penny"... and he's
speaking to a kid so this better be good!
though I know that, sometimes I
still need to hear it. Thank you for telling me, Shelby. I
wouldn't ever want to disappoint you and it makes me feel a whole lot
better to know you understand that sometimes trying is all I can
do. You know, you remind me of President Lincoln in another way
besides how you kept trying with the money."
Kurt Vonnegut?!? Oh...
I'm not sure Andrew could write some of
those things... ::shudders::
Okay, so then I decided to hop on
over to genderanalyzer.com and see
whether they think Andrew's
Blog is written by a male or
female and I
Well, it's written 83% by a
woman. Failure on my part! I
guess only 17% of the time do I sound anything like the several
of years old if not bazillions of years old male I'm trying to write
for. Oh well...
So then that led me to UrLai where I'm told
Andrew's Blog reveals that he's... Oh good gosh... Apparently,
the person who writes Andrew's Blog is most likely a 66-100 year old
woman who is happy about 75% of the time and talks almost 100% of the
time about personal matters. Fail, fail, fail. I don't know
if it's worse that I apparently can't get a computer to think I'm male
or that said computer thinks I'm 66 at the youngest... Although
I would like to think Andrew is at least 75% happy and if I'm 75% happy
while writing for him... even better!
I then considered having some of
Andrew's actual TBAA lines analyzed
but was afraid that would depress me... I mean what if it says
he's a depressed 17 year old girl!?! Or Virginia Woolf...
So... that's enough of showing you what *I* do to combat summer boredom
and exhaustion. Here's a...
Top Ten Signs the Summer Has Really
Gotten to You
2. Andrew is standing beside you
as you read this, juggling icy
cold cans of ginger ale while singing "Summer Loving" from Grease. Stop reading
this now and call 911. You've clearly overheated.
You won't watch any TBAA
episodes set in the desert nor parts of Campus Man because it just
reminds you of how cruddy your sun burnt lawn looks.
9. You're too
exhausted to get up and grab a DVD so spend 45
minutes watching blank screen instead of TBAA or ToD.
8. Flannel and
cuddly sweaters have lost all appeal for
you... In fact, whenever you think of them it's immediately
followed by an overwhelming fear of Andrew overheating.
fantasizing about Andrew dripping wet at the end of
"Jones V. God" and not because, duh, he's Andrew but because that rain
looks soooo good.
6. You watched Campus
Man and the pool completely stole your attention away from JD's
5. You see the
end of the episode "The Trigger" and you're
jealous of Monica not because she gets to skate with Andrew but because
she's surrounded by lovely, lovely oh-so-cold ice.
4. You've begun
watching Once Upon a
Christmas and Twice Upon a Christmas
daily, not because you enjoy them that much but because they allow you
to see snow.
3. Heat has you
so delirious that you started watching Heart of the Beholder,
forgot what it was, saw JD, figured it must be TBAA, and then called a
friend in hysterics because Andrew was doing something unseemly with a
1. Your new favorite TBAA
episode is "Let It Snow." You
just keep rewatching the part where Andrew makes snow angels with Ian,
the little boy whose mother he's assigned to. And also the part
where he does a Polar Bear Plunge. I love that part! Ooh
and when he sits on the porch and admires the wintery, starry sky and
it's so cold you can see his breath and... What? That's not
a real TBAA episode? But I was just watching it! Oh, crud,
I think I better go call 911...
(Photo Credits: The
photographs used on this page are from "Touched by an Angel" and owned
by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon Water Productions.
They are not being used to seek profit.)