always say time changes things,
you actually have to change them yourself.”
sing it with me,
people! Meatloaf or Celine Dion mode, whichever you
prefer (personally, I'm going with Meatloaf)!!! Here goes...
were moments of gold
and there were flashes of light!!! There were things I'd never do
again but then they'd always seemed right!!! There's some lyrics
here that aren't appropriate in reference to Andrew so we'll just skip
over them!!! It was lost long ago but it's all coming back to
me!!! It's all coming back... It's all coming back to me
that we have that out of
our system... as mentioned in previous issues, I am trying to work
ahead on a couple of JABBs. So for this "filler" non-holiday one,
I needed to find something already partly written. So here's more
"Jenni and Jenni Write JABB" in which I lift pieces from my journal and
then respond... the process of which made me think of the song "It's
All Coming Back to Me Now" hence this lovely intro. This
installment spans TBAA's final season and you
can pretty much watch 20 year old me go from apathetic about poor
Andrew, emotionally distraught over Andrew (poor me), and then just
plain crazy (poor all of you). So, uh, have fun?
Original lyrics by Jim
Steinman. I, obviously, took some liberties and his version is
way, way better.
and Jenni Write JABB
October 12, 2002 to May 15, 2003
Oh the irony!!
watched TBAA. There was
about 20 minutes there where I thought maybe Monique had tricked Andrew
and he was in trouble. Then when he finally showed back up I felt
sorry for him. Then I realized that I should have fallen right back
into the old crush I had on him. Then I remembered that not 24 hours
earlier I'd formed a crush on another TV character. If this episode had
only been one week earlier... Very sad, truly an era has ended.
Who cares! But the timing
was kinda funny...
cow. That was
apparently my first viewing of "Two Sides to Every Angel" and I was
that low key about it!??! What was wrong with me?!?! Poor
Andrew looks so horridly sad in parts of that episode!!! And
"LOL Who cares!"??? I CARE YOU SNIPPY LITTLE SNOT!!!
I do have a moment of
victory: that era has NOT ended so twenty year old me can just go LOL
herself til she's insane. And I honestly can't even remember who
my new TV character crush was... And I'm too lazy to check and
see what the possibilities were that year on TV.
want to hug Andrew and
well that subject line
sounds a bit fatalistic.
I just mean I'm done
with finals. A whole month off!
can't wait. I suppose I
should take a few moments to reflect on this semester. Well,
first the things I got: a dog named Josh, the return of two olds
friends (whether that was a good or bad thing remains to be seen), a
nicely organized room, and a new favorite show, Scrubs.
found out that I can't ever
think I'm done with an interest because it always resurfaces. Christian
Bale no longer seems dull while Luka on ER now seems like a major
idiot. BatB returned as a central interest while TBAA has suffered a
bit. Scrubs sorta came outta no where as the "Must-See" show.
learned I shouldn't get
overly comfortable in a situation because it will then promptly
been a long 5 months...
Joshy!!! Turns out that would make my family's dog about 10
so... probly the
truest sentences in there are the ones about interests always
resurfaces and not getting too comfortable in a situation.
Because, in case you can't tell, TBAA is definitely NOT suffering in my
esteem these days. As for Mr. Bale, my interest is only so-so
depending on the project, "ER" is gone," and while BatB remains an
interest... TBAA trumps them all. And while I still watch
"Scrubs" on occasion, I'm a TBAA girl through-and-through.
I need Kleenex!!!
thought of a really great
birthday present for a friend but while the initial idea came
relatively easily, the details did not. So I flipped on TBAA that I
taped this morning. (We had a local televised basketball game and so
TBAA didn't air til 2 AM). I'd hoped for inspiration. I did not
intend to go into hysterics and start blubbering when they showed
Joshua holding his son. It wasn't just "Oh look, fictional
character who died on 9-11 is holding his kid" although maybe that was
part of it. It just reminded me of something from when I was
little that I used to do. I had a piece of cloth and whenever I got to
missing this particular person I'd lay it by my cheek and pretend it
was their shirt and I was hugging them. (I'm still short but I was even
shorter then so when I hugged an adult I generally ended up with my
cheek against their shirt, about at the shoulder.) Another of my stupid
kid things... But seeing that I thought maybe it wasn't so stupid. I
know this is all cryptic and I apologize to anyone who actually read
it. Oh, the Kleenex came in when I realized mid-blubbering fit that I'd
moved my Kleenex to an undisclosed location. Still haven't found them.
Thankfully I did find another packet.
still remember that
night. I cried for a very long time, for many reasons. I
thought of nixing this entry altogether but decided to include it
because it shows that even as I felt myself drifting from TBAA, it
touched me deeply. It's one thing I loved about the show: it
wound its way into the fabric of my life and into history that it never
even literally touched on.
that first year after
9-11, and even still now sometimes, I avoided any fictionalization of
what happened. I didn't want to mourn for fake people.
Enough real people died. There was real grief. But in that
episode I finally started to see that people were writing these
characters as symbols. It was okay to be moved by those creative
efforts, it didn't diminish the sadness for real people.
don't know that I've
watched that episode since but it remains one of the most moving,
emotional episodes for me.
Curséd be the
This has just been a bad,
listed a litany of issues that, out of respect for people, I can't
elaborate on here.
find out TBAA is done
for. Which I would have been fine with if not for the fact that it was
more news on an all ready bad day. I don't like the show as much as I
used to but just knowing it was there was comforting somehow. I guess I
always had the hope that somehow it would go back to its original glory
in my eyes before going away. Maybe it still will, briefly. It's kinda
weird. For some reason last night I had the urge to watch reruns. That
hasn't happened in ages.
ended up watching "Beautiful
Dreamer". Cried a bit. Came really close to reading Dylan Thomas poetry
but decided that was a bad idea. It's becoming increasingly clear
Vincent was a bad influence.
think everything will seem
okay by tomorrow. I'm just in some sort of shock. This is all too much
Music: Children of Eden
weirdly parallels my
recent reaction to Hallmark temporarily removing TBAA from its
schedule. Yes, I'm watching that but even more than that... it's
just comforting to know it's on.
for TBAA returning to its
original glory, the ironic thing is I now feel more closely tied to
episodes in the later seasons. I wonder if it wasn't so much me
wanting TBAA to go back to its lighter days as me wanting to go back to
my own. If TBAA had gone back to simpler times, would I have even
kept watching? I think Andrew definitely grew more serious as the
seasons went on... but so did I as the years went on. I think had
TBAA had a lighter Season 9, I would have been a more devoted fan
*during* Season 9. But I doubt I'd still be much connected to it
I'd probly still be
a pretty dramatic person. It just might be someone other than
Andrew compelling me to think of Dylan Thomas poems and blaming
Bye, bye TBAA and
spent my final day of break
taking inventory of my TBAA episodes. It seemed like the appropriate
thing to do. There was a minor panic when 6 showed up missing. Two just
weren't labeled and the other 4 I ended up finding in the closet
downstairs. "Jump!" has disappeared and I missed the second episode of
this season due to VCR error but I'm hoping those will get replayed on
CBS soon. If not, well then I'll prolly panic cause I don't get the
Hallmark channel. But all is well for now.
deleted due to others' privacy. Don't worry! I didn't
delete anything that concerns Andrew. ;-)
Love". Still get goosebumps. This whole thing with TBAA reminds me of
some sort of pathetic Lifetime movie. "Jenni must say good bye to a
beloved friend, but can they rekindle their relationship before it's
too late? Tune in next week for 'Saying Good Bye to Andrew: The
Jenni **** story'".
actually must get to
sleep. School tomorrow...
That one makes
me laugh! It's so weird cause it sounds like stuff I've been
saying and doing within the last couple weeks! Taking inventory
of TBAA, angsting out about missing some of it, and even then there was
my reliance on Hallmark! Better yet, I crack a joke about my
obsessiveness regarding Andrew involving a Lifetime movie and just a
few days ago I wrote an AC story in which LJA cracks a joke about her
obsessiveness regarding Andrew involving a Lifetime movie...
OMG. I'm plagiarizing myself! And, yes, "Redeeming Love"
still gives me goosebumps.
First Monday back at
random college class related stuff.
an unrelated note,
Andrew has resurfaced in my dreams. And I mean Andrew. I never really
had much of a crush on John except insofar as he looked like Andrew
(duh). It's kinda pathetic. Sorta like at the end of "Portrait of a
Lady" where she finds out the one guy is dying and realizes the whole
time she's actually been in love with him but now it's too late! Not
that I think I'm in love with anyone. I mean I know I'm not. Geez, it's
pretty sad that I've seen that movie twice and can't tell you a single
character's name cept Christian's which I only know cause well... he's
Christian? Anyhow, guess this'll teach me to appreciate things while
head on desk::
Wow... Okay, here's where I start to move into just plain
crazy. Where to start? I don't know if it's weirder that I
basically compare Andrew to a Henry James character dying of
consumption (or whatever) or that I manage to get obsessive about
Christian Bale in the same paragraph as that completely over-wrought,
closing, I am glad Andrew
cannot die of consumption... or anything.
what gives downloaded
video its quality? I've used both Media Player and RealOne to try and
watch video files (like the promos on the TBAA site or movie trailers)
and the quality is still as blurry and bad as it ever was on the old
computer. Is it because of AOL or is my computer missing something? I
would really, really, really appreciate it if anyone could let me know
about this. I've looked at so many Help files and none helped.
was trying to watch old
TBAA promos on Real Player... wow. Yes, the slide back into
complete fannish zeal had clearly begun! Yay!
so there were two charges
on my credit card. One was for the
upgrade of this from
Free User to a
two month subscription. The other one I totally could not figure out
and even though it was only $6.95 it was kinda troubling. I vaguely
remembered getting out my credit card to pay LJ and then thinking
"Since I have this out I should order..." and totally couldn't remember
what I ordered or if I even had ordered anything. I finally figured out
it was from the TBAA Hollywood Reporter issue I ordered. Lesson for the
day: Keep track of what I buy. At the time, I may think I'll remember,
but I won't. :-)
is responsible for my
temporarily thinking my identity had been stolen by someone who
apparently only needed $6.95. Geez. But, again, witness the
jaded, disinterested fan beginning to show her true, zealous colors...
section devoted the front page to the show's finale. Not sure if it was
the same for other places. Prolly, but it was cool in any case. It
alleviated my dread that Andrew wouldn't be in the finale. I didn't see
him in the previews and that's not really abnormal but it worried me
nonetheless. I don't know why. Suddenly I was just very upset with the
idea that he was seriously gone with out me knowing that was his last
episode. I think I'll be okay next week. Well, I know I'll be okay. I
just mean I don't think I'll be very upset. As long as I know it's
coming. But had I been surprised to find out last night was Andrew's
last episode... I would have been upset. Again, not sure why. Prolly
partly cause I never had a crush on John, or if I did it spanned too
short a time for me to even remember. Just Andrew. I'm just used to
those ending cause I lose interest not cause they go away... I suppose
maybe the melancholy is due to the fact that he's the last remaining
vestige from my childhood interests really. At least that I can think
of now. The BatB TV show kinda makes me want to cringe now. I remember
really liking "Friends". I still watch it and like it but more as a
sort of "thing to do" than anything I genuinely appreciate. Had it
ended this season like many thought, I wouldn't have minded much. I
can't think of anything else. So maybe Andrew really is it. The end of
an era, I guess.
meant this post to be about
Easter. But that would involve too long of a post, so maybe more on
I clearly do remember
angsting out about Andrew maybe not being in the finale due to his
absenteeism in the promo. And then
the sickening feeling that, with out realizing it, I'd seen the last of
him. And finding that unbearable... The unfortunate part of
this batch of entries is they were all posted to my Livejournal so
there's some self-editing since I knew my LJ buddies could read
them. I vaguely remember actually being nauseated at the prospect
of Andrew being just plain gone with out my having that final good
for the whole John Dye
issue, I do think I had a crush on him. Andrew went beyond,
though, to become an out and out infatuation. I just don't think
I was very familiar with that word at the time so figured Andrew had to
be a crush and since I was less obsessive about JD (i.e. I did not
spend hours day-dreaming about what would happen if JD showed up at my
door whereas if I wrote every day dream I ever had about Andrew to that
effect... it would be a full-time job) then JD was less than a
crush. But, having watched "Tour of Duty" I can definitely say I
had a crush on Mr. Dye. Hope he's happy!
And not reading this... ;-)
the Andrew era keeps
And so it ends...
Okay, I had
to edit this to just a couple sentences cause the rest was wrapped up
in recollections of a dream I had (not involving Andrew) that I'm not
comfortable putting on a public web site. Nothing
scandalous! Just really serious. So after recapping the
TBAA finale plot and this dream... I came to this:
what really got
me was Andrew and the watch. Zack will always be around in one form or
another. Further, at the heart Zack is real. Andrew is not and Andrew
is gone. It was sad seeing him disappear.
included this severely
chopped up entry only cause this is something that continues to haunt
me and, fictionally, LJA. Seeing Andrew disappear... for once and
for all. Gut-wrenching. But, on a happy note, whereas me of
2003 did not believe in angels of death, me of 2009 does. So, at
heart, TBAA's view of AODs is now real
Jesus Week 2003
know that anyone necessarily needs to read my thoughts on "Jesus Christ
Superstar" and "Godspell" and "The Green Mile" so I'm just starting
with the Andrew part. I'm not sure why I recapped the TBAA finale
twice in my LJ.
Andrew that initially
drew the most dramatic reaction with definite tear formation and falls
when he gave Monica his watch. I will probably forever have a deep,
emotional reaction to pocket watches now. Anyhow, that's enough for
now. Will probably continue to talk about this for days. Should prolly
submit this now before puter freezes.
definitely still have a
deep, emotional reaction to pocket watches. If I'm wearing jeans,
I must have a pocket watch or I feel out of sorts. I nearly cried
when one of mine died. And when I'm watching TBAA and see
Andrew's... there's always a reaction. And when I see them in
stores... depending on my mood I either gawk and day-dream or hurry by
lest I get caught going dreamy and giggly or angsty and weepy in a
public place. Sigh...
So long Luka!
I still can't be sure but
since the previews for next ER showed someone with a gun pointed at
Luka's forehead while he was kneeling in a jungle... Well, I guess I'll
have to find a replacement for Andrew's replacement. To clarify, I do
not nor did I ever like Luka's character near as much as I liked
Andrew's. However, I only watch so many dramas and at the time he
seemed like the next-best-thing. I might add this was before the
prostitutes... and the binge drinking... and the drunk driving...
and the sleeping
with patients' mother... and the seducing the med student... and the
nearly killing a guy (or maybe he really did kill him, can't recall)...
and... the ever-flattering "Abby, you aren't that pretty" line given to
his then-girlfriend.... and... When the character first showed up
I seriously thought he was an angel cause only kids talked to him and
the doctors and nurses seemed totally oblivious. I knew he had some
dark past but he seemed to be trying to cope in a decent manner. But I
guess that wasn't Sweeps-worthy. I said a month ago I just wanted Luka
to do something heroic and
then die, preferably doing something noble.
Looks like it just might happen. Good riddance, it used to be a good
show. Now its nearly unwatchable, IMO.
I sometimes complained
the angels never changed. I would have loved to have seen Andrew
majorly flip out, just once. But maybe TBAA was right the whole time.
It's a good time to take up reading, I guess. Or movies. Kinda want to
go rewatch Cotton Patch Gospel now but it's kinda late... Then again,
what are the odds of me getting to sleep while one of the songs is on
permanent loop in my head. Strangely, it's also gotten mixed with a
song from "Damn Yankees".
I love my litany
of Luka sins. And I guess that explains my reference to a new TV
character crush. Gah. I did end up totally disgusted with
Luka, then slightly happy with him, then apathetic, then just plain
ready for him and Abby and the whole lot to go. And, yes, there
were numerous people on that show I found myself wishing would just
hurry up and die (yet I'd end up crying if they did).
I remain eternally
grateful that Andrew never killed anyone, slept with anyone, got drunk,
seduced anyone, or told Monica or Tess or Gloria that they just weren't
that pretty. And I
never, ever, never, ever wanted him to die. In fact, I'm pretty
sure I would have vomited had that somehow happened. So thanks
TBAA writers for not torturing me and the other viewers!!! As for
wanting him to flip out... I guess it depends on what is meant by "flip
out." Think of the potential for JD's awesome acting if he
did! Doc Hock redux!!! But I'd have probly keeled over
so... maybe it's good Andrew didn't have a breakdown.
thus began my realization
that TV may never yield to me anyone I like nearly as well as
Andrew. They will always be merely replacements. Sigh...
All right, Andrew...
believe it or not, are a
*fictional* character. Therefore, I think it is deeply wrong that upon
seeing your photo I feel the need to get weepy. Frankly, I blame you
for this entirely. I am not at fault. Okay, maybe just a little. Leave
me alone so I can move on to healthier things like admiring the work of
Colin Firth or organizing my books into such ridiculous categories like
"Christian Fiction with Jesus in Gospel Times" and "Christian Fiction
with Jesus in Modern Time" and "Christian
Fiction With Out
Jesus as Central Character". Okay, so maybe that last bit isn't
healthy. Still... I just wish maybe you'd done something utterly bad at
some point. Not been so near-perfect... Then I prolly wouldn't care.
Back to eliminating dead TBAA-related links from my Favorite Places.
Turns out that's hazardous to my mental health. Bye.
Okay, first a
couple non-Andrew points:
something of an interest and... those are seriously book categories I
used when I arranged my books in my new home. So it IS
healthy. So sayeth I.
characters is also healthy. As is blaming them for your
problems. Andrew owes me... I will accept payment in the
form of showing up at my door and hanging out until a time at which I
find myself ready to part from him... I suspect that time will come in
it is an interesting
thought: this bit about wishing Andrew had done something bad.
What if he'd gone to the Netherworld? Would I still be
obsessed? Yes but less so? Yes and more so???
a bit rougher time going
through my old toys than expected. First, the work was harder and then
I got more nostalgic than I'd intended cause I found the dolls my
Grandpa had given my Mom and that I always thought were so beautiful.
So I came down here to see if anyone was on. Chatted with **** for a
bit then decided to edit my favorite places since that hasn't been done
in... years. So I hit the TBAA section and got surprisingly emotional.
Mostly about Andrew, why I'm not sure. I mean obviously I liked him
best but... Who knows. The previous entry was my attempt to handle it
in a somewhat funny way. I am not delusional... yet. :-) I just think
too much is changing all at once and it caught up to me momentarily in
the "person" of Andrew.
was just thinking about
those dolls last week and I haven't read this entry in years...
Geez. More and more I'm feeling like this year is a really good
parallel for 2002/2003. Huh.
I still hate going
through Favorites and deleting dead links cause it always makes me
sad. JABB used to be one of tons and tons and tons of TBAA
sites... now so many have disappeared. On the plus side, that's
probly kept me motivated to keep this site going.
why the heck was I
surprised that I got mostly emotional about Andrew!?!? Had 20
year old me met me!??!
More of the same
seriously, what's the deal?
I was a good sport about TBAA leaving the air. I liked Zack and was
completely happy with the finale. So why all of a sudden is every
single dream I ever dreamed about Andrew coming back to me? The time he
crashed a boat (he was okay, no one was hurt). The time he got beat up
in an alley.
The times he stalked
me around school which happened every finals week in high school for
two years. The time he got arrested, not sure what ended up happening
there. The time he and I were on the roof watching for... something.
Can't recall what. I just can't shake that this is trying to get me to
remember something else. Like this isn't so much about a TV character
as something he's hinting at that I can't get at. Like how I got sad
about the general lameness of the latest Christian Bale movies cause I
missed rushing out with friend to see his movies on opening night. But
I can't think what the deal is here.
did not remain happy with
the finale... and not just because of issues with the actor who played
Zack. I remain completely vexed with some of the plot
devices. But I don't want to get myself worked up on that.
do remember some of those
dreams, though, and wish I did others! Augh... I remember that
alley one. But I definitely do NOT remember a boat crashing
for what those dreams
meant... I like to think they were ways of keeping interested in the
character cause then I'd keep going with JABB and still get to talk
with and meet some great people. That's what the Christian Bale
reference seems to be going at. As much as I liked that actor
for a while, my favorite part about that fannishness was what my
friends and I got up to related to his work. Same thing with JD
through old boxes. Found
lots of old cards so that was nice if not slightly bittersweet given I
no longer know some people. Then I got to a box that was mostly EW
issues from the past... several years. Had a few moments when I found
TBAA stuff. Had what could have been a really embarrassing moment when
I actually came across a picture of Andrew at the exact same time a
commercial came on playing John Denver's "You Fill Up My Senses". Now,
this song does *not* remind me of Andrew in any way but any sad melody
just as I turned the page to see Andrew's face and the headline
"Heavenly Hit" was too much. And my sister and **** were in the room.
Luckily I saw the humor in the timing and didn't like cry or anything.
However, I think I did figure out why this Andrew thing is bugging me.
But more later on that as I need to clean my room. Tis very scary in
remember that day and it was a "Malcolm in the Middle" either episode
or commercial that the Denver song was played during. I remember
where on the couch I was sitting and everything! But I don't
remember if my room truly was trashed or what I figured out re:
watched it for a while, it
was really cool. I thought some nice things about Andrew during it, in
honor of "The Journalist". :-) Things are getting more... "normal" in
that area. Still crazy but more in the way I was back in 3rd/4th season
when I just had a crush on Andrew but with out any
spiritual/psychological concerns. So I figure maybe I can use this to
make the last few JABB issues really good or use it to encourage me to
not give up on the newsletter quite yet... Still not decided.
We'll see come July.
I had no idea
I've been debating JABB's future for so long! And, ya know, I
gotta say that despite the views of younger me... I'm glad Andrew
brought about some spiritual and psychological concerns for me.
Cause she may not have realized it but that, far more than giddy
fannishness, was gonna keep JABB going. Maybe it's not JABB as
she knew it. It's darker and more dramatic and, I think, more
realistic (i.e. adios President Andrew). But that's how
it's remained relevant to me. I genuinely like some of the goofy
issues but if JABB had remained solely top tens and jokes... I would
have ditched it long ago.
So that was me during and following Season 9! I have a feeling if
I reprise this again, the entries will only get crazier! ;-)
(Photo Credits: The
photographs used on this page are from "Touched by
an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon
Water Productions. They are not being used to seek profit.)