“They always say time changes things,
but you actually have to change them yourself.”
~ Andy Warhol

Okay, sing it with me, people!  Meatloaf or Celine Dion mode, whichever you prefer (personally, I'm going with Meatloaf)!!!  Here goes...

"There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light!!!  There were things I'd never do again but then they'd always seemed right!!!  There's some lyrics here that aren't appropriate in reference to Andrew so we'll just skip over them!!!  It was lost long ago but it's all coming back to me!!!  It's all coming back...  It's all coming back to me now!!!"*

Now that we have that out of our system... as mentioned in previous issues, I am trying to work ahead on a couple of JABBs.  So for this "filler" non-holiday one, I needed to find something already partly written.  So here's more "Jenni and Jenni Write JABB" in which I lift pieces from my journal and then respond... the process of which made me think of the song "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" hence this lovely intro.  This installment spans TBAA's final season and you can pretty much watch 20 year old me go from apathetic about poor Andrew, emotionally distraught over Andrew (poor me), and then just plain crazy (poor all of you).  So, uh, have fun?

God bless,

* Original lyrics by Jim Steinman.  I, obviously, took some liberties and his version is way, way better.

Jenni and Jenni Write JABB
October 12, 2002 to May 15, 2003

10/12/2002 22:21:00     
Subject: Oh the irony!!
I just watched TBAA. There was about 20 minutes there where I thought maybe Monique had tricked Andrew and he was in trouble.  Then when he finally showed back up I felt sorry for him. Then I realized that I should have fallen right back into the old crush I had on him. Then I remembered that not 24 hours earlier I'd formed a crush on another TV character. If this episode had only been one week earlier... Very sad, truly an era has ended.

LOL Who cares! But the timing was kinda funny...
Current Mood: giggly

Me in 2009:

Holy cow.  That was apparently my first viewing of "Two Sides to Every Angel" and I was that low key about it!??!  What was wrong with me?!?!  Poor Andrew looks so horridly sad in parts of that episode!!!  And "LOL  Who cares!"???  I CARE YOU SNIPPY LITTLE SNOT!!! 

But I do have a moment of victory: that era has NOT ended so twenty year old me can just go LOL herself til she's insane.  And I honestly can't even remember who my new TV character crush was...  And I'm too lazy to check and see what the possibilities were that year on TV.

I want to hug Andrew and apologize...

12/12/2002 22:16:00     

Subject: I'm finished!
Okay, well that subject line sounds a bit fatalistic.

Actually, I just mean I'm done with finals. A whole month off!

I can't wait. I suppose I should take a few moments to reflect on this semester.  Well, first the things I got: a dog named Josh, the return of two olds friends (whether that was a good or bad thing remains to be seen), a nicely organized room, and a new favorite show, Scrubs.

I found out that I can't ever think I'm done with an interest because it always resurfaces. Christian Bale no longer seems dull while Luka on ER now seems like a major idiot. BatB returned as a central interest while TBAA has suffered a bit.  Scrubs sorta came outta no where as the "Must-See" show.

I learned I shouldn't get overly comfortable in a situation  because it will then promptly change.

It's been a long 5 months...

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: News

Me in 2009:

Aww!  Little Joshy!!!  Turns out that would make my family's dog about 10 now.  Wow...

Anyhow, so... probly the truest sentences in there are the ones about interests always resurfaces and not getting too comfortable in a situation.  Because, in case you can't tell, TBAA is definitely NOT suffering in my esteem these days.  As for Mr. Bale, my interest is only so-so depending on the project, "ER" is gone," and while BatB remains an interest... TBAA trumps them all.  And while I still watch "Scrubs" on occasion, I'm a TBAA girl through-and-through.
12/23/2002 00:45:00     
Subject: I need Kleenex!!!
I thought of a really great birthday present for a friend but while the initial idea came relatively easily, the details did not. So I flipped on TBAA that I taped this morning. (We had a local televised basketball game and so TBAA didn't air til 2 AM).  I'd hoped for inspiration. I did not intend to go into hysterics and start blubbering when they showed Joshua holding his son.  It wasn't just "Oh look, fictional character who died on 9-11 is holding his kid" although maybe that was part of it.  It just reminded me of something from when I was little that I used to do. I had a piece of cloth and whenever I got to missing this particular person I'd lay it by my cheek and pretend it was their shirt and I was hugging them. (I'm still short but I was even shorter then so when I hugged an adult I generally ended up with my cheek against their shirt, about at the shoulder.) Another of my stupid kid things... But seeing that I thought maybe it wasn't so stupid. I know this is all cryptic and I apologize to anyone who actually read it. Oh, the Kleenex came in when I realized mid-blubbering fit that I'd moved my Kleenex to an undisclosed location. Still haven't found them. Thankfully I did find another packet.

Current Mood: confused

Me in 2009:

"The Christmas Watch." 

I still remember that night.  I cried for a very long time, for many reasons.  I thought of nixing this entry altogether but decided to include it because it shows that even as I felt myself drifting from TBAA, it touched me deeply.  It's one thing I loved about the show: it wound its way into the fabric of my life and into history that it never even literally touched on. 

In that first year after 9-11, and even still now sometimes, I avoided any fictionalization of what happened.  I didn't want to mourn for fake people.  Enough real people died.  There was real grief.  But in that episode I finally started to see that people were writing these characters as symbols.  It was okay to be moved by those creative efforts, it didn't diminish the sadness for real people.

I don't know that I've watched that episode since but it remains one of the most moving, emotional episodes for me.

1/13/2003 22:24:00     
Subject: Curséd be the 13th
Wow. This has just been a bad, bad day.

Here I listed a litany of issues that, out of respect for people, I can't elaborate on here.

Now I find out TBAA is done for. Which I would have been fine with if not for the fact that it was more news on an all ready bad day. I don't like the show as much as I used to but just knowing it was there was comforting somehow. I guess I always had the hope that somehow it would go back to its original glory in my eyes before going away. Maybe it still will, briefly. It's kinda weird. For some reason last night I had the urge to watch reruns. That hasn't happened in ages.

I ended up watching "Beautiful Dreamer". Cried a bit. Came really close to reading Dylan Thomas poetry but decided that was a bad idea. It's becoming increasingly clear Vincent was a bad influence.

I think everything will seem okay by tomorrow. I'm just in some sort of shock. This is all too much at once.

Current Mood: worried
Current Music: Children of Eden

Me in 2009:

This weirdly parallels my recent reaction to Hallmark temporarily removing TBAA from its schedule.  Yes, I'm watching that but even more than that... it's just comforting to know it's on. 

As for TBAA returning to its original glory, the ironic thing is I now feel more closely tied to episodes in the later seasons.  I wonder if it wasn't so much me wanting TBAA to go back to its lighter days as me wanting to go back to my own.  If TBAA had gone back to simpler times, would I have even kept watching?  I think Andrew definitely grew more serious as the seasons went on... but so did I as the years went on.  I think had TBAA had a lighter Season 9, I would have been a more devoted fan *during* Season 9.  But I doubt I'd still be much connected to it now. 

Although I'd probly still be a pretty dramatic person.  It just might be someone other than Andrew compelling me to think of Dylan Thomas poems and blaming Vincent.  ;-)

1/14/2003 22:28:00     

Subject: Bye, bye TBAA and Christmas break...
I spent my final day of break taking inventory of my TBAA episodes. It seemed like the appropriate thing to do. There was a minor panic when 6 showed up missing. Two just weren't labeled and the other 4 I ended up finding in the closet downstairs. "Jump!" has disappeared and I missed the second episode of this season due to VCR error but I'm hoping those will get replayed on CBS soon. If not, well then I'll prolly panic cause I don't get the Hallmark channel. But all is well for now.

More text deleted due to others' privacy.  Don't worry!  I didn't delete anything that concerns Andrew.  ;-)

Anyhow, watched "Redeeming Love". Still get goosebumps. This whole thing with TBAA reminds me of some sort of pathetic Lifetime movie. "Jenni must say good bye to a beloved friend, but can they rekindle their relationship before it's too late?  Tune in next week for 'Saying Good Bye to Andrew: The Jenni **** story'".
Anyhow, actually must get to sleep. School tomorrow...

Current Mood: so-so

Me in 2009:

Ha!!!  That one makes me laugh!  It's so weird cause it sounds like stuff I've been saying and doing within the last couple weeks!  Taking inventory of TBAA, angsting out about missing some of it, and even then there was my reliance on Hallmark!  Better yet, I crack a joke about my obsessiveness regarding Andrew involving a Lifetime movie and just a few days ago I wrote an AC story in which LJA cracks a joke about her obsessiveness regarding Andrew involving a Lifetime movie...  OMG.  I'm plagiarizing myself!  And, yes, "Redeeming Love" still gives me goosebumps.

1/20/2003 21:20:00     
Subject: First Monday back at school...
Redacted, random college class related stuff.

On an unrelated note, Andrew has resurfaced in my dreams. And I mean Andrew. I never really had much of a crush on John except insofar as he looked like Andrew (duh). It's kinda pathetic. Sorta like at the end of "Portrait of a Lady" where she finds out the one guy is dying and realizes the whole time she's actually been in love with him but now it's too late! Not that I think I'm in love with anyone. I mean I know I'm not. Geez, it's pretty sad that I've seen that movie twice and can't tell you a single character's name cept Christian's which I only know cause well... he's Christian? Anyhow, guess this'll teach me to appreciate things while they're here.

Current Mood: pensive

Me in 2009:

::thuds head on desk::  Wow...  Okay, here's where I start to move into just plain crazy.  Where to start?  I don't know if it's weirder that I basically compare Andrew to a Henry James character dying of consumption (or whatever) or that I manage to get obsessive about Christian Bale in the same paragraph as that completely over-wrought, romantic comparison... 

In closing, I am glad Andrew cannot die of consumption... or anything.
3/05/2003 10:56:00     

Subject:  Video problems on puter
Okay, what gives downloaded video its quality? I've used both Media Player and RealOne to try and watch video files (like the promos on the TBAA site or movie trailers) and the quality is still as blurry and bad as it ever was on the old computer. Is it because of AOL or is my computer missing something? I would really, really, really appreciate it if anyone could let me know about this. I've looked at so many Help files and none helped.

Current Mood: irritated
Me in 2009:

I was trying to watch old TBAA promos on Real Player... wow.  Yes, the slide back into complete fannish zeal had clearly begun!  Yay!

3/25/2003 20:13:00     

Subject: Mystery solved!
Okay, so there were two charges on my credit card. One was for the upgrade of this from Free User to a two month subscription. The other one I totally could not figure out and even though it was only $6.95 it was kinda troubling. I vaguely remembered getting out my credit card to pay LJ and then thinking "Since I have this out I should order..." and totally couldn't remember what I ordered or if I even had ordered anything. I finally figured out it was from the TBAA Hollywood Reporter issue I ordered. Lesson for the day: Keep track of what I buy. At the time, I may think I'll remember, but I won't. :-)

Current Mood: crazy

Me in 2009:

TBAA is responsible for my temporarily thinking my identity had been stolen by someone who apparently only needed $6.95.  Geez.  But, again, witness the jaded, disinterested fan beginning to show her true, zealous colors...
4/20/2003 23:43:00     

Subject: TBAA
Today's local Entertainment section devoted the front page to the show's finale. Not sure if it was the same for other places. Prolly, but it was cool in any case. It alleviated my dread that Andrew wouldn't be in the finale. I didn't see him in the previews and that's not really abnormal but it worried me nonetheless. I don't know why. Suddenly I was just very upset with the idea that he was seriously gone with out me knowing that was his last episode. I think I'll be okay next week. Well, I know I'll be okay. I just mean I don't think I'll be very upset. As long as I know it's coming. But had I been surprised to find out last night was Andrew's last episode... I would have been upset. Again, not sure why. Prolly partly cause I never had a crush on John, or if I did it spanned too short a time for me to even remember. Just Andrew. I'm just used to those ending cause I lose interest not cause they go away... I suppose maybe the melancholy is due to the fact that he's the last remaining vestige from my childhood interests really. At least that I can think of now. The BatB TV show kinda makes me want to cringe now. I remember really liking "Friends". I still watch it and like it but more as a sort of "thing to do" than anything I genuinely appreciate. Had it ended this season like many thought, I wouldn't have minded much. I can't think of anything else. So maybe Andrew really is it. The end of an era, I guess.

I meant this post to be about Easter. But that would involve too long of a post, so maybe more on that tomorrow.

Current Mood: melancholy

Me in 2009:

Yes, I clearly do remember angsting out about Andrew maybe not being in the finale due to his absenteeism in the promo.  And then the sickening feeling that, with out realizing it, I'd seen the last of him.  And finding that unbearable...  The unfortunate part of this batch of entries is they were all posted to my Livejournal so there's some self-editing since I knew my LJ buddies could read them.  I vaguely remember actually being nauseated at the prospect of Andrew being just plain gone with out my having that final good bye scene... 

As for the whole John Dye issue, I do think I had a crush on him.  Andrew went beyond, though, to become an out and out infatuation.  I just don't think I was very familiar with that word at the time so figured Andrew had to be a crush and since I was less obsessive about JD (i.e. I did not spend hours day-dreaming about what would happen if JD showed up at my door whereas if I wrote every day dream I ever had about Andrew to that effect... it would be a full-time job) then JD was less than a crush.  But, having watched "Tour of Duty" I can definitely say I had a crush on Mr. Dye.  Hope he's happy!  And not reading this...  ;-)

And the Andrew era keeps trucking along...

4/27/2003 23:12:00     

Subject: And so it ends...
Okay, I had to edit this to just a couple sentences cause the rest was wrapped up in recollections of a dream I had (not involving Andrew) that I'm not comfortable putting on a public web site.  Nothing scandalous!  Just really serious.  So after recapping the TBAA finale plot and this dream... I came to this:

But... what really got me was Andrew and the watch. Zack will always be around in one form or another. Further, at the heart Zack is real. Andrew is not and Andrew is gone. It was sad seeing him disappear.

Current Mood: contemplative

Me in 2009:

I included this severely chopped up entry only cause this is something that continues to haunt me and, fictionally, LJA.  Seeing Andrew disappear... for once and for all.  Gut-wrenching.  But, on a happy note, whereas me of 2003 did not believe in angels of death, me of 2009 does.  So, at heart, TBAA's view of AODs is now real to me.

5/05/2003 13:55:00     
Subject: Jesus Week 2003

I don't know that anyone necessarily needs to read my thoughts on "Jesus Christ Superstar" and "Godspell" and "The Green Mile" so I'm just starting with the Andrew part.  I'm not sure why I recapped the TBAA finale twice in my LJ.
It was Andrew that initially drew the most dramatic reaction with definite tear formation and falls when he gave Monica his watch. I will probably forever have a deep, emotional reaction to pocket watches now. Anyhow, that's enough for now. Will probably continue to talk about this for days. Should prolly submit this now before puter freezes.

Current Mood: excited

Me in 2009:

I definitely still have a deep, emotional reaction to pocket watches.  If I'm wearing jeans, I must have a pocket watch or I feel out of sorts.  I nearly cried when one of mine died.  And when I'm watching TBAA and see Andrew's... there's always a reaction.  And when I see them in stores... depending on my mood I either gawk and day-dream or hurry by lest I get caught going dreamy and giggly or angsty and weepy in a public place.  Sigh...
5/08/2003 22:33:00     

Subject: So long Luka!
Okay, I still can't be sure but since the previews for next ER showed someone with a gun pointed at Luka's forehead while he was kneeling in a jungle... Well, I guess I'll have to find a replacement for Andrew's replacement. To clarify, I do not nor did I ever like Luka's character near as much as I liked Andrew's. However, I only watch so many dramas and at the time he seemed like the next-best-thing. I might add this was before the prostitutes... and the binge drinking... and the drunk driving... and the sleeping with patients' mother... and the seducing the med student... and the nearly killing a guy (or maybe he really did kill him, can't recall)... and... the ever-flattering "Abby, you aren't that pretty" line given to his then-girlfriend.... and...  When the character first showed up I seriously thought he was an angel cause only kids talked to him and the doctors and nurses seemed totally oblivious. I knew he had some dark past but he seemed to be trying to cope in a decent manner. But I guess that wasn't Sweeps-worthy. I said a month ago I just wanted Luka to do something heroic and then die, preferably doing something noble. Looks like it just might happen. Good riddance, it used to be a good show. Now its nearly unwatchable, IMO.

I know I sometimes complained the angels never changed. I would have loved to have seen Andrew majorly flip out, just once. But maybe TBAA was right the whole time. It's a good time to take up reading, I guess. Or movies. Kinda want to go rewatch Cotton Patch Gospel now but it's kinda late... Then again, what are the odds of me getting to sleep while one of the songs is on permanent loop in my head. Strangely, it's also gotten mixed with a song from "Damn Yankees".

Current Mood: contemplative

Me in 2009:

Ha!  I love my litany of Luka sins.  And I guess that explains my reference to a new TV character crush.  Gah.  I did end up totally disgusted with Luka, then slightly happy with him, then apathetic, then just plain ready for him and Abby and the whole lot to go.  And, yes, there were numerous people on that show I found myself wishing would just hurry up and die (yet I'd end up crying if they did). 

And I remain eternally grateful that Andrew never killed anyone, slept with anyone, got drunk, seduced anyone, or told Monica or Tess or Gloria that they just weren't that pretty.  And I never, ever, never, ever wanted him to die.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I would have vomited had that somehow happened.  So thanks TBAA writers for not torturing me and the other viewers!!!  As for wanting him to flip out... I guess it depends on what is meant by "flip out."  Think of the potential for JD's awesome acting if he did!  Doc Hock redux!!!  But I'd have probly keeled over so... maybe it's good Andrew didn't have a breakdown.

So thus began my realization that TV may never yield to me anyone I like nearly as well as Andrew.  They will always be merely replacements.  Sigh...

5/13/2003 22:34:00     
Subject: All right, Andrew...
Dear Andrew,

You, believe it or not, are a *fictional* character. Therefore, I think it is deeply wrong that upon seeing your photo I feel the need to get weepy. Frankly, I blame you for this entirely. I am not at fault. Okay, maybe just a little. Leave me alone so I can move on to healthier things like admiring the work of Colin Firth or organizing my books into such ridiculous categories like "Christian Fiction with Jesus in Gospel Times" and "Christian Fiction with Jesus in Modern Time" and "Christian Fiction With Out Jesus as Central Character". Okay, so maybe that last bit isn't healthy. Still... I just wish maybe you'd done something utterly bad at some point. Not been so near-perfect... Then I prolly wouldn't care. Back to eliminating dead TBAA-related links from my Favorite Places. Turns out that's hazardous to my mental health. Bye.


Current Mood: aggravated
Me in 2009:

Ha!!!  Okay, first a couple non-Andrew points:

Colin Firth  remains something of an interest and... those are seriously book categories I used when I arranged my books in my new home.  So it IS healthy.  So sayeth I.

Writing to fictional characters is also healthy.  As is blaming them for your problems.  Andrew owes me...  I will accept payment in the form of showing up at my door and hanging out until a time at which I find myself ready to part from him... I suspect that time will come in approximately... never.

But it is an interesting thought: this bit about wishing Andrew had done something bad.  What if he'd gone to the Netherworld?  Would I still be obsessed?  Yes but less so?  Yes and more so???

5/13/2003 22:39:00     
Subject: Explanation
I had a bit rougher time going through my old toys than expected. First, the work was harder and then I got more nostalgic than I'd intended cause I found the dolls my Grandpa had given my Mom and that I always thought were so beautiful. So I came down here to see if anyone was on. Chatted with **** for a bit then decided to edit my favorite places since that hasn't been done in... years. So I hit the TBAA section and got surprisingly emotional. Mostly about Andrew, why I'm not sure. I mean obviously I liked him best but... Who knows. The previous entry was my attempt to handle it in a somewhat funny way. I am not delusional... yet. :-) I just think too much is changing all at once and it caught up to me momentarily in the "person" of Andrew.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Me in 2009:

I was just thinking about those dolls last week and I haven't read this entry in years...  Geez.  More and more I'm feeling like this year is a really good parallel for 2002/2003.  Huh.

Anyhow, I still hate going through Favorites and deleting dead links cause it always makes me sad.  JABB used to be one of tons and tons and tons of TBAA sites... now so many have disappeared.  On the plus side, that's probly kept me motivated to keep this site going. 

But why the heck was I surprised that I got mostly emotional about Andrew!?!?  Had 20 year old me met me!??! 

5/14/2003 01:45:00     
Subject: More of the same
Ok, seriously, what's the deal? I was a good sport about TBAA leaving the air. I liked Zack and was completely happy with the finale. So why all of a sudden is every single dream I ever dreamed about Andrew coming back to me? The time he crashed a boat (he was okay, no one was hurt). The time he got beat up in an alley. The times he stalked me around school which happened every finals week in high school for two years. The time he got arrested, not sure what ended up happening there. The time he and I were on the roof watching for... something. Can't recall what. I just can't shake that this is trying to get me to remember something else. Like this isn't so much about a TV character as something he's hinting at that I can't get at. Like how I got sad about the general lameness of the latest Christian Bale movies cause I missed rushing out with friend to see his movies on opening night. But I can't think what the deal is here.

Current Mood: melancholy

Me in 2009:

I did not remain happy with the finale... and not just because of issues with the actor who played Zack.  I remain completely vexed with some of the plot devices.  But I don't want to get myself worked up on that.

I do remember some of those dreams, though, and wish I did others!  Augh... I remember that alley one.  But I definitely do NOT remember a boat crashing incident!  Ha! 

As for what those dreams meant... I like to think they were ways of keeping interested in the character cause then I'd keep going with JABB and still get to talk with and meet some great people.  That's what the Christian Bale reference seems to be going at.  As much as I liked that actor for a while, my favorite part about that fannishness was what my friends and I got up to related to his work.  Same thing with JD it seems.

5/14/2003 21:24:00     

Subject: Today's events
Went through old boxes. Found lots of old cards so that was nice if not slightly bittersweet given I no longer know some people. Then I got to a box that was mostly EW issues from the past... several years. Had a few moments when I found TBAA stuff. Had what could have been a really embarrassing moment when I actually came across a picture of Andrew at the exact same time a commercial came on playing John Denver's "You Fill Up My Senses". Now, this song does *not* remind me of Andrew in any way but any sad melody just as I turned the page to see Andrew's face and the headline "Heavenly Hit" was too much. And my sister and **** were in the room. Luckily I saw the humor in the timing and didn't like cry or anything. However, I think I did figure out why this Andrew thing is bugging me. But more later on that as I need to clean my room. Tis very scary in there.

Current Mood: busy

Me in 2009:

Okay...  I actually remember that day and it was a "Malcolm in the Middle" either episode or commercial that the Denver song was played during.  I remember where on the couch I was sitting and everything!  But I don't remember if my room truly was trashed or what I figured out re: Andrew.  Hmmm....

5/15/2003 23:13:00     

Subject: The Eclipse

I watched it for a while, it was really cool. I thought some nice things about Andrew during it, in honor of "The Journalist". :-) Things are getting more... "normal" in that area. Still crazy but more in the way I was back in 3rd/4th season when I just had a crush on Andrew but with out any spiritual/psychological concerns. So I figure maybe I can use this to make the last few JABB issues really good or use it to encourage me to not give up on the newsletter quite yet...  Still not decided. We'll see come July.

Current Mood: hopeful

Me in 2009:

Wow.  I had no idea I've been debating JABB's future for so long!  And, ya know, I gotta say that despite the views of younger me... I'm glad Andrew brought about some spiritual and psychological concerns for me.  Cause she may not have realized it but that, far more than giddy fannishness, was gonna keep JABB going.  Maybe it's not JABB as she knew it.  It's darker and more dramatic and, I think, more realistic (i.e. adios President Andrew).  But that's how it's remained relevant to me.  I genuinely like some of the goofy issues but if JABB had remained solely top tens and jokes... I would have ditched it long ago.

So that was me during and following Season 9!  I have a feeling if I reprise this again, the entries will only get crazier!  ;-)


JABB 285

(Photo Credits: The photographs used on this page are from "Touched by an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon Water Productions. They are not being used to seek profit.)