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"Long, Long Ago"
Hello! Welcome to yet another fun-filled issue of JABB. But before we continue I, Jenni, have a topic of a serious nature to address. It seems that last issue I was detained and during my absence a certain someone published things that go against what I hold to be true. A man with, I quote, "sticky out ears and weird chin" was mentioned. I feel it is necessary to say that I know of no such man and am greatly grieved that someone would say such mean things about V--, umm, I mean any man. I sincerely hope that this infantile name-calling will cease and that the person who wrote this feels very much ashamed! Thank you.
In other more pleasant news we would like to welcome all of our new members. Since there has been such growth I, still Jenni, wanted to announce again about the Birthday cards. JABB sends out email cards to all our members on their birthdays. The only information I need is your birth date. If you had sent in your birth date and never received a card it may be that:
A: Your birthday just hasn't rolled around yet.
B: The message somehow got misplaced. In that case my apologies but please send it again.
C: I did send the card but for reasons I'm not sure of, it was never delivered. I generally try to send a card 3 times before giving up but lately I have been receiving error messages saying addresses were unavailable. If that's the case then I am sorry it didn't work out.
Please send all birth dates to Jenni.
Thanks and enjoy!
You, the honored subjects of Princesses Audrey and JenniAnn, are now entering the royal court of Dyeland. We hope you enjoy your stay in the most elegant, sophisticated, and drool-filled kingdom in the entire world!
Hear ye! Hear ye! Princess JenniAnn has decreed that their will be a reinstitution of the Rules of Courtly Love. For those of you unaware of them we are providing them in abridged form along with some helpful hints.
The rules state:
It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing.
Dyeland's officials add:
'Tis true! We can hope that this season will bring much screentime for our beloved Angel Boy so that our love may never decrease.
Boys do not love until they arrive at the age of maturity.
Okay..... So Andrew is at least a few hundred years old. We should think that would be mature. John's 36 now. But then do mortal men ever really become mature??
No one can be bound by a double love.
Yeah, well, ummm....... I guess.
When made public love rarely endures.
Which is precisely why JABB is a confidential organization!
Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of her beloved.
Yeah well, drooling works just as well.
If love diminishes, it quickly fails and rarely revives.
This is why if you ever feel yourself drifting you better hurry and pop in "The Journalist" or something!
She whom the thought of love vexes eats and sleeps very little.
Ha! Yeah right! Bring on the chocolate!
We hope you keep these rules in mind as proper subjects of Dyeland.
JABB: A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there was a magical kingdom called Dyeland. Dyeland was ruled by two very kind and beautiful princesses named Audrey and JenniAnn. They loved their kingdom and all its inhabitants, the Androolers. One day Princess JenniAnn had a wonderful idea!
"Audrey! Let us go to the surrounding areas and see if we can find any Androolers to join us!"
"Yeah right! Umm err.. Hast thee lost thy mind? Oh forget this Old English stuff! You're insane! There's no way in the world I'm going door-to-door. I only do that when I know I'll get candy!"
"Aww! Audrey! There are people out there obsessing over John, alone! No one to talk to! We can't leave them," and with those words Princess JenniAnn was up and out of the castle door. Princess Audrey knew she couldn't let JenniAnn go alone. The poor girl was horribly directionally impaired and would no doubt end up in Iceland if left to herself. So resentfully Audrey followed JenniAnn.
"Oh good! You decided to join me!" JenniAnn said excitedly.
"Not quite. There's no way I'm going to the door. You go and I'll just walk with you so you don't get lost."
"Me? Get lost? Please! I'm 17!"
"You're heading right back to the castle."
"Oh yes! Well, I meant to do that! Good exercise you know!"
With that the princesses were on their way! They didn't notice the small, furry Chihuahua trailing them. Through meadow and valley and forest they went! JenniAnn met several Androolers and they were all quite happy to know they weren't alone. It was nearing the evening and Princess Audrey wanted to head back to the castle and the safety of Dyeland.
"No," JenniAnn said. "There is one more house we have to visit."
JenniAnn approached the door of a very run-down castle as very annoyed Audrey waited. JenniAnn was a bit frightened when a tall, villainous, Zena look alike opened the door.
"Umm excuse me? Psst.. psst.."
"Umm its Xena. With an X."
Fine go away! Continuing... The very tall *X*ena look alike glared at Princess JenniAnn.
"Yes, my pretty one? What do you want?" she inquired.
"Hello, I'd like to offer you a membership to the greatest online magazine/help group there is. It's a little organization known as J.A.B.B.," JenniAnn answered meekly.
"Jabb?" Xena asked.
"Yes, J.A.B.B. It stands for John/Andrew Bucket Brigade."
"Ahh... Very in-ter-es-ting. I'd love to hear more of this JABB darhlings. Please come in my name is Mistress Kiwi," the woman said, her voice screeching as she spoke.
"Well, umm, uh. . . ."
"Don't just stand there like an idiot, my girl! Your friend can come in and play, too! Come in. . . Come in my darhlings." As she spoke Kiwi's voice seemed to have a hypnotic effect on the princesses and they entered. Upon entering the castle the princesses awoke from the spell. But it was too late! The evil Kiwi began cackling!
"Now I have you MY PRETTIES! No more will you stand in between John and ME, the evil and groovy witch! I'll lock you up and throw away the key and he will forget you and your JABB!"
With that Kiwi pushed our heroines into a trap door. They fell a few feet and landed in a small room. They looked about them at their surroundings. JenniAnn picked up some papers littering the floor.
"What in the world?!? Pictures of FranknFurter from Rocky Horror and tons of them, too! What odd tastes she has!"
"Forget that! What in the world are we going to do? We are locked in a dungeon! No one even knew where we were going! The kingdom is gonna fall apart! This is all your fault! Oh my, whoa, look at this...."
Audrey picks up another pile of pictures. This time they are of Mel Gibson, Brad Pitt, and the mysterious V. The latter of which she hands to JenniAnn.
"You take *those*."
As she does so, the picture she'd 'stashed' dropped. She quickly reached down to reclaim a pic of Ben Bass half nude!
"I think Lisa had something to do with this," she thought to herself.
Meanwhile JenniAnn has found another stack of pictures. These are of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gonn Jinn. She flips through them and then starts screaming.
"Take it away! Take it away!!!! Help!!!!"
Audrey rushes over to find JenniAnn holding a picture of Leo DiCaprio.
"Give it to me hurry!" Audrey yells.
JenniAnn hands it over and Audrey burns it quickly.
They go back to their pictures.
Meanwhile, the small dog is outside and horrified at what he has seen.
"No one kidnaps my friends and gets away with it! That wicked witch is gonna get it!" Chiwawa runs about wondering what he can do. Finally, he settles down under a window hoping he might hear something to help him.
Back in the dungeon Audrey and JenniAnn are still looking at their pictures. Suddenly JenniAnn gasps.
"Audrey! Stop looking at the pictures! Don't you see what that witch is doing?!? She's trying to make us forget about John!" JenniAnn cries.
"You're right! We have to get out of here. But how?"
The two begin searching the room for any type of door. They search for what seems to be hours to no avail.
"This is all your fault! Lil Miss 'lets go help people'! Now we're stuck in this awful dungeon and Kiwi is going to get John!" Audrey screams.
"That's not fair! You didn't have to come! Its no use yelling, anyway. Maybe someone will find us."
"Yeah, like who?! Chiwawa?!" said Audrey in a diminutive tone.
Upstairs the evil Kiwi was chatting with her cohort in crime.
"Hahahaha! We have those two meddlesome teenage princesses locked up! No one stands between us and John now, Lisa! We just have to find him and then get him to New Zealand." The two cackled greedily.
Chiwawa heard this and ran as fast as his little legs could carry him. He ran all the way to Salt Lake City. Meanwhile, John Dye sat in his living room watching TV in his boxers and eating ribs flown in from Mississippi. Suddenly he heard familiar yelping. He rushed to his door and opened it as Chiwawa came rushing in.
"What is it, Lassie umm err Chiwawa? Trouble? Where? Show me the way!" John cried.
"If you'd just be quiet I'd tell you! Sheesh!"
"Oh yes, you can talk. I forgot." DUMB BLONDE SYNDROME
ALL RIGHT! That's it! Thank you for that lovely lil interruption, Kiwi! I quit! You people have absolutely no respect for the omniscient narrator! First I get ridiculed in the anniversary issue and now this! Oh my... Look at all that chocolate... Fine! I'll finish this story but then we're through! Back to John....
"Of course I can talk! But enough of this. Princesses Audrey and JenniAnn are in trouble! They've been kidnapped by the evil, wicked Kiwi. You must help them! If you don't Dyeland will fall apart!"
"Of course I will help the two princesses!" With those words the gallant JD and the trusty Chiwawa begin the trek back.
"75 cups of cappachino on the wall, 75 cups of cappachino. Take one down pass it around. 74 cups of cappachino on the wall..." JenniAnn continues singing her song.
"Ahem, would you mind not singing that annoying song any more! Isn't it enough you got us trapped in here! Do I have to hear you sing as well!" Audrey yells.
"I...I just thought it would make the time go faster! I'm sorry. sniff... sniff." Our poor Princess JenniAnn starts crying.
"Awww now don't do that. We'll get out of here. Maybe John will even find us! Meanwhile, let's tell stories. You remember the night JABB started?"
"Or when we met Chiwawa!"
"Yeah... I miss that little pup. I wonder what he's doing now?"
"Hurry up! We're getting nearer! Its just through that next clearing!" Chiwawa tells John as they both run.
"Hey! What's up with this!?!?"
"What's the matter?" Chiwawa asked.
"Look at me! I'm wearing armor?!?! This is too weird!"
"Oh yeah. That happens sometimes. I guess the narrator thought that would be more suitable for your big rescue scene."
"Oh...okay. I guess. It makes it kinda difficult to run though."
"Fine then we'll walk. We have plans to make anyway. Just how do you suppose we get them out of there? Kiwi went and threw away the key."
"We'll find a way!" John replied.
Back at her castle Kiwi is on the phone with her travel agent.
"Optimal broom flying weather! Smashing Baby! Allow me to make it up to you later." Kiwi hangs up the phone and cackles. "All we need is the glow worm and we're outta here!" Lisa rushes in from outside.
"I see him! I see him! And that little dog, too!" Lisa says excitedly.
"How many times do I have to tell you, that thing is a RAT! But very good! On with my wicked and dyeasterly plan!"
In only a couple minutes, someone begins pounding on the door.
"Open up! 'Tis I! The good Prince John of Amory! I have come to rescue the fair princesses Audrey and JenniAnn!"
"And 'tis I! His noble pup, Chiwawa!"
"You know everyone else gave up on the Old English a long time ago." Lisa informs them through a window.
"Oh, well, thank you." John answers.
"Let them in Lisa!" Kiwi shrieks.
The castle door flies open and Lisa shows them into Kiwi's parlor where Kiwi is seated.
"Hello John. Hello RAT. Why don't you both stay for dinner, were having my favorite - wee fried Ratribs."
"Hey!" Chiwawa yelps.
"We have come for the princesses and we will not leave until you release them!" John demands.
"Won't leave til I release them, Darhling? And that's supposed to be a bad thing? How nice for me!" Kiwi teases. John ignores this remark.
"Chiwawa go find them!" John commands Chiwawa. The dear little dog runs to the trap door and begins yelping! Muffled voices below begin screaming his name.
Suddenly Chiwawa hears something else and moves away from the trap door and runs away. John proceeds to the door.
"You open that, you witch!"
"But I threw away the key darhling boy. Such a rotten shame! How about you and my evil, groovy self go to New Zealand? Umm...with Lisa, of course." Kiwi corrects herself after getting a look from Lisa. "Just forget about those two girls and their JABB!" Kiwi continues coyly.
"Never! I care about my fans and I am not letting you keep them in there forever!" At this, John looks back at the trap door. He proceeds to the kitchen and begins rifling through the drawers.
"Ok then, how bout just for a few months then?" Kiwi asks.
"Ah ha!" he cries and walks back to the door. He reveals a paper clip which he then inserts in the lock. After a few moments the lock opens up!
"Apparently after the costume and scenery expenses they didn't have much money to buy a good lock for this story," John ponders as he jumps into the dungeon to help Audrey and JenniAnn out. Meanwhile the evil Kiwi has crumpled into a heap of sobs.
"Oh John! How can we ever repay you for rescuing us!" JenniAnn asks.
"Yes, how can we help?" Audrey repeats.
"Just continue to write JABB and watch my show of course. I need fans like you. But what are we going to do about them?" John looks over to the sobbing Lisa and the evil Kiwi, compassionately.
"Well, I suppose we could take them back to Dyeland where they can get the help they need." JenniAnn replies doubtfully.
"You know it is customary in these stories that the rescuer marry one of the rescuees...." Audrey says hopefully.
"Ummm.. ahh... well..." John blushes.
"Cradlesnatcher!" hisses Lisa!
"I think we can forgo custom this time." JenniAnn reasons. "I mean one of us would have to leave Dyeland and go back to SLC then. The kingdom needs us both!"
"That's true! There's always me, the 'gorgeous Xena look alike', John." Kiwi tells him hopefully.
Suddenly two chihuahuas appear from a side hall.
"Chiwawa!" Audrey and JenniAnn cry in unison as they rush to their pet.
"And who is this?" JenniAnn asks.
"Meet Chimama! She was my childhood sweetheart til that witch captured her! But everything is okay now. Isn't that right dear?" Chiwawa asks sweetly.
"Oh yes! And I just love your new look, darling. The hair suits you" Chimama replies.
"Well, thank you." Chiwawa beams at Chimama.
The two lil dogs proceed out the door to return to Dyeland.
"Our little pup is all grown up!" Audrey says as she and JenniAnn begin crying.
"Oh no... I'm alone in a room with four weeping women! Umm... good bye, God bless, I wish you all well!" John gives each of them a hug and then proceeds out the door.
The four move to the window as they watch their beloved knight disappear into the sunset. They all sigh and remain silent for a few minutes.
Finally JenniAnn breaks the silence. "What do you say we head back to Dyeland? We just had the pantry restocked with ice cream and chocolate. And we could bring all the pics from the basement!?"
"Sure," the disheartened group replies.
As they move to the door they hear a knocking. Each of them gasps. Could it be? Had their loyal knight returned?
The door opens and there stands.....
Ben Bass. "Lisa, my dear. I've been waiting for you! Only, it's such a pain being restricted to night flights only!" Ben croons.
Lisa looks deeply into his eyes and without saying a word leaps into his arms. The two fly off into the night, hopefully, never to be seen again. Kiwi, Audrey, and JenniAnn simply stand there dumbfounded.
"Ah well, lets go get those pictures and go back to Dyeland." Audrey suggests.
"I wanted John!" Kiwi screams.
"Yeah I know but we had to keep the story open for a sequel," JenniAnn explains.
And so the princesses and Kiwi walked back to Dyeland where they await their next adventure and the return of their knight in shining armor.
To be continued??? We shall see!
Obligatory Note to Leo fans: No pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio were harmed in the making of this story. Thank you.
I just recently found a really cool new site for backgrounds. I found this cross backgrounds and the castles at: www.clipartcastle.com to for anyone interested.