"It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence,
to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations.
They presented him the words: “And this, too, shall pass away.”
How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride!
—how consoling in the depth of affliction!"
~ Abraham Lincoln

Hi all,

What happens when a newsletter writer is tired, crazy busy, and watching way too much political coverage?  This happens. 

God bless,
Jenni


Here in the U.S. presidential campaign craziness has set in.  And there's still another month left...  Sometimes all the bickering and posturing and inane talking heads make a person want to hide under a rock.  But I've found a surefire way to get through the season if you're in the U.S. or constantly hearing your American friends go on about this.  It's a simple thing really: Just imagine what it would be like if Andrew were running.  It might not be completely untroubling but it'd definitely be a whole lot cuter.  So here ya go...

Top Ten Things Likely to Happen if Andrew were Running for President

10.  Andrew would annoy any opponents who referenced a past political figure in their speeches by continuously announcing "I knew him!" and "She was my assignment!"

9.  Candidate Andrew would raise some eye brows when, after being asked what presidential tasks he was most looking forward to, he announced that he intended to pardon all Thanksgiving turkeys instead of just one in honor of his buddy, Adam.

8.  In-fighting among Andrew fans would begin as they vy for the first lady spot.  Hey, if James Buchanan can have his niece act as first lady I see no reason why Andrew can't have an unrequited, sappy swooner be first lady.

7.  Monica would still forget to check on him and ask how he was doing.  (Oooh...  That was a low blow.  Sorry.)

6.  Andrew's foreign policy resume would need to be delivered by semi-truck on account of it covering eons. 

5.  Taxpayers would rejoice at the prospect of a major spending break when it's realized that an immortal president would enable the country to do away with his secret service detail and medical staff.  This enthusiasm for saving will be dampened when taxpayers realize that paying the retirement benefits of an immortal president could take a very long, long, long, long, long, long time.

4.  All other candidates would give up on trying to best Andrew in knowledge of economics.  After all, he can remember when salt was the most common form of currency.  And also goats.

3.  Mass hysteria would break out at Andrew's convention when it comes time to introduce the nominee's family.  Apparently people just aren't prepared to see a burning bush appear on stage.

2.  Because a presidency would necessitate Andrew's being away from Dyeland for very long stretches of time, the Dyelanders would demand space in the White House.  In order to justify this, they would need to be given positions in the government.  And because most Dyelanders probably don't have interest in being Secretary of Defense or the Attorney General, new positions will be added such as Secretary of the Color Coordination of the President's Wardrobe and Secretary of Admiring the President's Hair.

1.  Finally, whichever crazed, probably caffeine-high person is dreaming this up will realize that A. Andrew is not a citizen of the United States and B. Andrew has no interest in being president of any country, even if one could be found that had no citizenship requirement.  Oh well.  Would you really want to share Andrew with millions of people, anyhow??? 



Presidential campaigns have their own particular issues and rites.  However, one phenomenon spans almost all, if not all, systems of government.  So whether Andrew was trying to be the president of the U.S., the prime minister of England, or prince of Denmark he'd have to face the dreaded S word... scandal.

Sadly, our beloved Andrew is not without scandal.  Or at least he's not immune from the propensity to turn anything into a scandal.  So here are my guesses at the "scandals" Andrew's opponent would latch onto, making Andrew fans everywhere really, really angry...

The Top Ten Andrew Political Scandals

10.  Democraticpresidentialprincessdomgate- Unfortunately, Andrew's previous political career in Dyeland would likely prove fatal to a campaign on Earth.  Regardless of the system of government in question, I doubt anyone would vote in a guy who lived in a place governed by two minor princesses who then shoved governance off onto him after two ridiculous debates only to have him then resign after allegations of misconduct posed by a demon and, finally, decide everything should be voted on by council... including what's for dinner.

9.  Speciesgate- Apparently you have to be human to hold government office.  I was not aware.  Huh.  Good to know.

8.  Agegate- Emails containing Rose's playful teasing of Andrew about his never-revealed age will be leaked.  This will lead naysayers to say that if a potential president won't even confess his own age, what else will he hide from the public? 

7.  CBSgate- Do you want a leader who was cancelled by CBS?  Well, yeah!  But maybe your fellow countrymen and women would think otherwise.  Les Moonves might just decide to cancel the government and, unless you're an anarchist, that may not be your idea of a good time.  Grr...  CBS...

6.  Tessgate- Tess will be seen berating Andrew who just stands there and calmly takes it.  Andrew's opponent will ask voters to consider whether someone who doesn't defend himself from a bossy friend can really defend the country from threats.  Sadly, they will fail to realize that sometimes people won't stand up for themselves but will for others.  Gah, that sounds like Andrew.  I wanna cry.

5.  Weepyfangirlgate- Speaking of crying...  Something will be said about the gang of fawning, sensitive females that Andrew draws around him who grow indignant over any slight against "their Andrew."  Apparently it's unbecoming in a leader of government to be surrounded by so much sappy defensiveness.  Humph.  We can be totally sane and calm!  Wait, did someone just make fun of Andrew's hair?  I'm gonna make them pay...

4.  Vampgate- Yeah... apparently not everyone wants the leader of their country to be friends with vampires.  How hard do you think it'll be to get the pundits to believe that's really just pomengranate juice Josef and Mick are imbibing?  I mean is it really that big of an issue?  It just might improve diplomatic relations with Romania.  Hmm...  I don't think the voters would buy it...

3.  Caddygate- Would you elect a car thief who proceded to destroy a friend's classic cadillac???  And did it with greasy hair!?!?

2.  Mimegate- Upon seeing "Voice of an Angel" Andrew's opponent would ask voters whether they could really handle a leader in goofy make-up.  Do you want to see your leader mime the entire State of the Union or similar from inside an invisible box he just can't seem to get out of?

And my personal favorite...

1.  Buttongate- If a person can't remember to button his top two or three pairs of buttons, how will people be able to trust him to remember how to run a country?  But then maybe no one will care because I know when I see Andrew walking around with his top pairs of shirt buttons undone... I tend to forget everything else.


October Surprises

And finally...  October surprises are dreaded by all candidates.  "October surprise" is a term used for an event or discovery that has the potential to absolutely ruin a candidate's chances right before the November election.  For example, if a candidate ran on a platform saying all soda should be removed from school vending machines and then it was discovered that they were running a Mountain Dew still outta the janitor's room of their local high school... that would be an October surprise.  A really stupid one.  ;-)  But what kinda October surprises could Andrew's campaign possibly suffer?  Let's see...

1.  Surprise!- Andrew's actually married several people. 

Fact- Charges of bigamy would NOT go over well.  It's just too bad Andrew's campaign team (aka Dyelanders) would launch into epically long day dreams about marrying Andrew and forget to explain to the public that Andrew married several *couples* while taking on jobs as chaplain, priest, rabbi, justice of the peace, and Las Vegas Elvis.  He did not himself marry anyone.  Sheesh.

2.  Surprise!- Andrew wants to ban Halloween.  He wants to make your children cry.               ____.____

Fact- He just wants to limit the use of Grim Reaper costumes due to the potential psychic trauma they cause.  Unfortunately, Andrew's campaign team will again be too busy to defend him from the charges.  By the time Election Night roles around they will still be assuring him that those costumes do not give him a bad reputation and plying him with popcorn balls, caramel apples, and pumpkin pie. 

3.  Surprise!- Andrew had the chance to save President Lincoln and didn't take it.

Fact- As if I have to tell you!  Andrew tried his best with Booth but who can reason with a homicidal wacko!?!?  Andrew's devoted campaign team will be too horrified to respond in enough time to save Andrew from this terrible allegation.  Also, they'd be trying to find him cause he started wandering through those woods again... looking distraught... broken...  ::shudders::

4.  Surprise!- Andrew and his entire staff have disappeared.

Fact-  True.  After the Lincoln allegation, Andrew and his staff of angels and Dyelanders will retreat to Dyeland after deciding the whole thing is just too mean.  Maybe Andrew isn't presidential material but he can still be their king of hearts.  Awww...


JABB TOC

CABB 9

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