Except for a brief post-work trip to Walgreens to get an electric nail file for Danika (which I now think she won't let me use...), I was able to come straight home today.  So no trying to fix my family's deadbeat computer.  It's been replaced.  Yay.  That should also mean no more surprise visits while I'm at work.  Yay for privacy!

Spare moments this afternoon made me very much want to break down and check my YG email but I did not.  Tomorrow will be a true test.  Saturday will be easier, I think, cause I'll be home where I'll have plenty to do.  It's at work where I'm somewhat limited that the temptation arises.  I can see myself staying up til midnight Sunday morning just so I can check email and say I held off til Sunday!  We'll see.  It may end up a "spirit willing, flesh weak" thing.

Good news is my taste for coffee has definitely come back.  Maybe I was just a touch sick Sunday and Monday.  There's been enough going around the office...

The day dreams have proved unstoppable.  And I can't even say they're particularly thrilling day dreams.  I mean it's not like Andrew...  Oops.  Dash behaving in some heroic manner.  No frilly dresses for me.  In one Dash walked in while I was watching TV and I went on a tirade about adultery.  (Happened while I was really watching TV and there was some promo for an expose about a pro-adultery dating service.)  And he just smiled at my embarrassment when I realized he could hear.  So then I said "And this tirade is completely wasted on you since you can't even cheat!"  To which he said "Oh, I dunno.  I think I saw a fanfic where I cheated on Monica.  Do you want me to find it for you?"  Devilish grin.  Then me trying to suppress a laugh and crying out "You are evil!"  And he cocked his head and said "I don't think so.  I'm pretty sure I still glow gold during revelations and not blue."  Then he wrinkled his nose.  And day-dreamed me couldn't stop laughing all the while thinking "Wow, it's impressive he can have a sense of humor about that given Eben..."

Yes, I have pathos and sap even in my goofy day dreams.

I may have just described a mild psychotic break.  Yay.

Maybe these moments are why JABB isn't yet Just a Buncha Buddies...  He did make me laugh.



Really stopping the day dreams was just plain impossible.  Although I think I said "willfully daydreaming" was banned.  They haven't been willful.  They just pop into my mind!!!

But really today was not as bad as I thought it would be.  Although the evening is just begun...  Still, being home amid several non-Dash related diversions is good.  And I exchanged a couple off-list emails which helped with the feeling cut off part.

I have begun to think what I'll do once the experiment ends.  First, I think I'll read emails.  Then I'll write LJA's letter to Dash just to get all the pent up craziness out.  And once that's done I'll start getting Dash caught up on Dyeland emails.  Though I don't foresee answering 9 emails in one sitting but we'll see.

And I just wanna take in our lovely web site.  It's been tough not seeing it for a week!  Sometimes I'd catch myself with the mouse hovered just over the link.  Outta habit, I think.  I never realized how often I stopped by onthisside.net, even if only for a moment or two.

Well, an energetic dog beckons.  We'll see how this evening goes!  I definitely think I will watch an episode of "Tour of Duty" or two tomorrow.  Just to see what that's like. 


I guess, as I near the end of this, I should answer my question about why JABB isn't standing for Just a Buncha Buddies by now.  It makes sense to me that the YG is still around but why the website, the newsletters, etc.?  And I've decided it's three things (ETA: which ended up being 5).  I can't rank them by importance since I don't know what that would be.  They all hinge on each other.  But here they are:

1.  Andrew.  By that or any other name, he's the reason.  I simply couldn't abide with him being nothingness.  For most of his 7.5 years, he was very important to me.  Simply letting that sorta influence go...  It's not easy.  When TBAA first ended, I engaged on something I called "Project Isis' Osiris."  (For a Catholic watching a show with a vocal and pretty mainstream-seeming Protestant [I think?] executive producer, I've attached a lotta pagan symbolism to it...)  Osiris and Isis were Egyptian gods.  I believe they were both husband and wife and sister and brother.  I guess you can get away with that if you're gods.  Anyhow, I don't remember the specifics but Osiris got torn to bits by the evil god, Seth/Set.  Isis had the, I'm sure macabre, task of finding Osiris-bits and putting them back together and resurrecting Osiris.  Which she did.  Yay, Isis!  So, I thought I'd be Isis.  Lately I've felt like CBS would make an excellent Seth.  And Andrew, of course, was Osiris.  Anyhow, so I set about to make JABB as good as it could be in order to bring people in.  And if we got enough people then with the excitement and creativity, Andrew would spring to life again.  And so he has.  And, yes, I did just compare JABB members to Osiris-bits.  Sorry.

Point being, I'm just not ready to give Andrew up.  Whether I ever will be... I dunno.

2.  Individuality.  There's so much in life that's just so similar between people.  A lot of people have a job like mine.  A lot of people share the same basic physical characteristics as me.  A lot of people are Catholic.  A lot of people are half-Irish.  And a lot of people even dress like bohos and hippies.  But I haven't found anyone else who runs a fan group dedicated to an angel of death, the actor who played him, and a made-up world that is second-home to that AOD and his myriad and motley friends.

3.  The members.  I hope I'm not shocking or worrying anyone when I say that I've been close to closing up shop probly 5 or so times.  But each time, outta the blue, people will email me saying they enjoy the site or they'll ask about joining JABB.  Oftentimes this will happen in 3s.  Hard to walk away from that.  It would also be hard to walk away from the friends I've made here but, to be honest, I don't see that as being a reason to stick with the Andrew thing.  One would hope we'd still communicate even if the John/Andrew Bucket Brigade did become Just a Buncha Buddies.  But I am encouraged to keep on sending newsletters, updating the site, etc. when I hear from them about those aspects.

4.  Me.  Truth be told, I would probly still be writing stuff about Andrew even without the John/Andrew Bucket Brigade.  I'm not even sure Andrew makes me happy.  Something said in one of my unplanned day dreams this week made sense to me.  LJA was distraught (as often happens) and Andrew asked her if feeling as she did for him made her happy.  She said no!  DOOM!  But apparently some part of my brain is actually smarter than the other cause then she said: "Not always, anyway.  But you make me real."   Meaning genuine.  And that seemed infinitely more important.  To them and, more importantly, to me.

5.  Them.  The AODs.  If they exist, and I believe they do, then I just feel awful about the terrible things they have to see and hear.  I know, of course, that they see things so wondrous I can't even imagine, too.  And I'm sure those wondrous things make up the bulk of their existence.  But I can't get over the fact that someone would leave Paradise to show up on battle fields, disaster sites, scenes of heinous crime just so someone isn't alone.   And so one reason I carry on, focusing on Andrew, is because maybe they'll hear and know that they're admired and appreciated.  I'm sure they know God loves them.  But it doesn't hurt to put a lil love out there from our side, too.

Well, I am exhausted.  And there are only 26 more hours left of this experiment.  Yay.



I wish I'd dreamed about Andrew last night!  I can't believe it!  I had a flashback to grade school.  It was set at my grade school with those classmates but we were actually high schoolers.  Anyhow, I'd been sick and while I was out they relocated my locker.  And I couldn't find my schedule.  And no one had taken down any assignments for me.  So I felt totally lost!  And was afraid people would get mad at me for not having stuff done.  Oh and my new locker was next to the scary new boy.  I need Andrew back...

Yes, I've officially dropped Dash.  The experiment is nearing its end, I think I can use his name now.  Andrew.  Andrew.  Andrew.

Last night went okay mostly cause I conked out at 9 something.  But for a while I was bummed cause I had the sudden urge to make Andrew backgrounds.  Nope...

I predict today will be fairly okay since I have loads of laundry to do.  And... my favorite grocery store is half closing up for remodeling after tomorrow.  Sigh...  So I think I'm going to say my good byes today.  In other words, I will be busy which helps.

And now... my new bedspread lying in the laundry basket beckons.


I did watch "Tour of Duty."  I had no burning desire to see Doc Hock morph into Andrew.  In fact, it was just like any normal ToD viewing experience.  Truth be known, I don't generally think of Andrew when I see Doc nor Doc when I see Andrew.  There was a bit of an odd experience, though.  First, I was inspired to wear my Doc Hock necklace (large peace sign on leather cord).  And a hippie-ish shirt.  So I was really in that mood.  As I'm riding around with my mom and sister, I see this guy about 55-60 standing on a corner with a sign reading "Vets Honk for Peace."  At first I was the only one who saw him and I was trying to tell the others about him but they couldn't see him.  So then I was like "OMG, I'm hallucinating Vietnam vets."  (No idea if he was a Vietnam vet, just guessing based on his age.)  But then they did.  So he was real and apparently making a statement.  Groovy.  And people honked.  Yay for peace!

Anyhow, today was relatively easy thus far.  Well, the morning was a lil rocky.  I was starting to get depressed again like early on in this experiment.  And midnight seemed terribly far away...  But then my family's new computer went bonkers and somehow their Internet connection was lost.  So I spent about 2 hours working at that which kept me distracted.

Nonetheless... there are only 6.5 hours left and I am very, very happy about that.  And I think I may just start downing caffeine so I can be up at midnight.


Very soon it will be exactly 6 days since I began this experiment.  I'm tempted to download email at 9:00 but I said I wasn't going to come back til the 24th.  And that's still 3 hours away.  But since this may be my last entry... here are some final thoughts.

I'm a little nervous.  Not about anything goofy like that I'll see Andrew and think "Wow, so over him!"  More that the same concerns and anxieties will be there and instead of stretching them out over a week, I'll be hit with them all at once.  May be I just need to remember what LJA said in that random mental image of mine.  May be JABB is like Andrew.  It doesn't make me happy all the time.  But it makes me real.  There's a quote from "The Fantasticks" that I think gets to that idea: "with out a hurt the heart is hollow."  And I have been hurt by all this.  There have been days when I've felt like nothing I do is quite right or enough (realizing I am my own worst critic).  There have been emails I've sent to see how people are doing then I've felt hurt when I never hear from them cept when they need something.  (If you're reading this you're likely not one of those people, btw.)  Most hurtful of all are the people that just plain disappear.  I still wonder about them.  And I feel a lil abandoned.  I think this is why LJA walks out on Andrew so often.  It's all at once some sorta revenge (ha!  I get to disappear this time!) and a sorta wish fulfillment thing (he always finds her again).

I don't mean to end this on a negative note.  Certainly there's so much I'm excited about!  Being able to read emails and see how everyone's doing!  Reading the latest thoughts on Andrew's psychology, perhaps.  (We could publish a magazine by now!)  Seeing creative backgrounds.  So much!  But maybe it's just easier to focus on what I'm not looking forward to since I'm still 2 hours and 45 minutes away from the end of this.

Maybe the lessons I should take from this are these:

1.  People leave.  It doesn't mean everyone is going to.  But with those that do, you remember what you want and move on.

2.  Work has complicated things.  Use that.  If something is grating at work, cut out the JABB equivalent.  If something is really useful at work, carry it over to JABB.

3.  If I need to "talk," say so.  It's not fair to criticize Andrew's reticence then go try to pull it off myself.  I don't have a staircase I can sit on to cry.  Well, I do but currently a spider has taken up residence there and I've not been able to catch it yet.  I'm afraid it's lost its catch and release privileges and may need to be swatted.  Three strikes and it's out.  It's on two...

4.  This is a fan group.  Not my senior thesis.  Not the cure to any terrible disease.  If something gets screwed up people will get over it.  The sky will not fall.  World War III will not break out.  A legion of AODs will not show up sobbing and claiming betrayal.

5.  I am really, really, really hung up on Andrew and am beginning to wonder if maybe I really am deranged.  I mean, sure, I joke about it.  We all do.  But 12 years...  12 YEARS!!!!  A part of me wonders if maybe I should go get counseling.  Another part of me thinks that as I sit here in the Meth Capital of the World, swooning over an angel is probly not worth getting concerned over.

So there it is.  2.5 hours left.  And that spider ran outta strikes...