reading is to me
synonymous with existing."
~ Gertrude Stein
As many of you may know (and as I know the YG people know since I keep
yammering about it), the Writers Guild of America is on strike.
(As are several other unions. We could make a Top Ten just about
current strikes!) This means that many TV shows made in the U.S.
have halted production
with others certain to follow if resolution isn't found. But ya
can read all about that on various news sites. Why am I
mentioning it here? Cause all this has got me thinking... what
would it be like if JABB went on strike? Obviously we
can't. There's no us v. them here. We write and publish and
edit, etc. our own content. Nonetheless, I couldn't resist some
strike-inspired humor so here goes. I hope ya like it cause you
just may be seeing more of JABB if my TV shows go off-air! ;-)
PS- Just a reminder to anyone who got my email entitled "Response
needed by Nov. 16th if you wish to remain on JABB": Nov. 16th is
quickly approaching. If I don't hear from you then I will remove
your address from JABB's files this weekend.
So... clearly it would be utterly pointless for me to go on
strike. I'm just not into striking against myself which I guess
would be the case. But sposing I did go on strike... what would
that be like? So I present...
Top Ten Things that
Would Happen If I
Went on Strike
10. Calls to my home would be
only by an answering machine featuring my voice shouting "Hey there, ya
better pay or my newsletters will go away... like forever... like if an
AOD took them... Darn. This is a terrible strike
slogan. I should totally write some slogans *before* I go on a
writer's strike... Oh, uh yeah, so you can leave a message now."
9. Old JABB newsletters would begin arriving in your inbox.
Who doesn't want to read JABB 123 again!?!
8. TPTB would decide to replace JABB with a "reality
newsletter." This involves stock quotes, the top ten news
headlines, and a buncha wanna-be celebrities explaining why they want
marry the millionaire who lives on a tropical island, designs high
fashion, remodels homes, and dances with actual celebrities while
trying to catch their cheating ex on tape.
7. I would decide to form a guild to support me during my
strike. Unfortunately, only my dog (Danika), frog (Flick), and
the spider family
that lives in my basement would join. We'd be the Jenni Danika Flick
Spider Family Union or JDFSFU.
6. The guild president would request I turn over all unfinished
JABBs to ensure I do not break the strike. She would chew on them
and strew the bits of paper left all around my house. Because she
is a dog.
5. I'd burst into
tears upon receiving TBAA season 4.2 for
Christmas, knowing that I couldn't write that "Top Ten Things To Do
After You've Chased Andrew Down at the End of 'Elijah'" list. No
one would ever know of my intention to check into an upscale hotel with
Andrew and... enjoy the free continental breakfast. All the
cinnamon rolls you can eat!!! Woo hoo!
4. I would become frustrated that CNN, MSNBC, and Google News
will NOT cover my strike. As a result I'd turn to YouTube.
While there I'd find some sappy music video made by a Monica/Andrew
shipper. I'd get sick. My keyboard would be ruined.
3. Because the universe has a way of sometimes being really
ironic, John Dye's career would suddenly hit hyperdrive. He'd be
everywhere! And I'd just be left standing around holding my
"JDFSFU on Strike!" sign.
2. Whilst holding the sign, I'd start crying again upon realizing
that our union's name starts with the initials JD... A moment
probly realize that I may wanna pick another two letters to *end* the
I chose to leave #1 blank outta solidarity with the striking
writers. Or may be I just ran outta ideas. You
I hardly have the monopoly on "Strike Fever!" so who's to say that
beloved Dyelanders might not just decide to go on strike
themselves. Here's some things I think might happen if they did...
Lady JenniAnn, finally realizing JABB writing is a non-paying job,
would refuse to write or edit any newsletters. Any and all fellow
writers would follow suit. This
would leave Andrew in the unenviable task of having to write them
himself to keep up with demand. Here's a sample of what he might
come up with:
Top Ten Reasons My Hair is So
10. It is blonde.
9. It's pretty long.
8. It keeps my scalp warm.
7. It smells like cucumber melon... because that shampoo was on
sale this week.
6. God made it.
5. I brush it. Usually.
3. Adam has nice hair. May be he should write this.
2. His hair is silver
1. It's pretty long.
Why would the strike need to stop with the humans? The AODs will
begin to feel over-worked between covering for the writers in Dyeland
on top of their AOD assignments. So... AODs on
strike!!! This would leave countless souls in a state of
confusion with out an angel of death to guide them. "Do I go
towards the light? No? Yes? Do I may be run around
the perimeter of the light? Am I racing the light? Oh, hey,
This would not make God very happy. Quite deservedly, the AODs
would promptly be sent to the Netherworld. This would cause much
angst amongst the Dyelander women who may just drop their picket signs
in order to try and enter the Netherworld by whatever means
possible. Unfortunately, some confusion in terminology will lead
them all to attempt to fly out their bedroom windows whilst wearing
green tights and leafy leotards. Only upon hitting the ground
will they realize that that's the way to enter Never-Neverland and not
The doctors at St. Andrew's will become irritated with prolonged
in the wake of caring for hundreds of women in leafy leotards who
foolishly leapt out windows. Tired and malnourished, they will
The Dyelanders will be left with out their psychologists; a dangerous
proposition with the AODs still AWOL. Once out of the hospital
they will have no options except to hang around the AODs' empty
houses... wailing. A horde of sobbing women will descend upon
Tourkia and bemoan their exiled Adam. The turkeys will be kept
from sleep and grow increasingly irritable. As a result, you
guessed it, they will go on strike.
By now JABB newsletters have disappeared, souls are debating the proper
response to the Light, the AODs are playing "I spy... sand... and only
sand... lots and lots of sand," the Dyelanders have all been rendered
wailing Peter Pans with concussions, the doctors Ph.D's are
atrophying, and the turkeys are refusing to do whatever it is turkeys
do. Disaster is at hand!
What's going to happen to
Tune in next time!
Unless I go on strike before then. ;-)
Just kidding. The next issue will probably be Thanksgiving
related so I don't want to trouble myself with ending this story
then. So let's just say an alien landed in Dyeland and urged
peace. Sorta like that movie "The Day the Earth Stood
Still." And everyone listens and all is well! May be?
Or may be Andrew just cried on some sand stairs he built in the
Netherworld and everyone was so moved they dropped their picket signs
and went back to life as normal?
Or may be Adam sang a rousing showtune that brought everyone
Or may be Tess just yelled at everyone until they gave in?
Who knows. I guess you can pick your own ending. If you
watch a lot of American TV ya just might have to get used to creating
your own ending to shows... WAH!!!
(Photo Credits: The photographs used on this page are from "Touched by
an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon
Water Productions. They are not being used to seek profit.)