Yvette's CD Recommendation

"If you said goodbye to me tonight

there would still be music left to write.
What else could I do?
I'm so inspired by you.
That hasn't happened for the longest time."
-- from Billy Joel's hit, "For the Longest Time"

Hi all,

My house-moving-into process continues but, tada!, this time around I actually managed to calmly sit and write a JABB newsletter.  Didn't have to dig through old files for unused drafts this time!  Yay!  I'm pretty psyched as this is the first time in at least a month I've felt at all inspired while writing JABB.  I'll admit, I was getting a lil concerned that my Androoler abilities were diminishing but now I no longer fear that.  I just needed a lil free time it would seem. 

Anyhow, I hope you enjoy this one.  Next time I hope to be bring you a two-part issue in honor of our 9th anniversary! 

God bless,

As some may recall, it was about a year ago that I first started brainstorming for the JABB/Dyeland finale.  My thought was that once I got a full-time job I wouldn't have much time for JABB and should have a suitable farewell to the folks of Dyeland ready and waiting.  Well, I got the full-time job and while I have felt rushed at times, I can't imagine JABB ending terribly soon.  So now the half-finished Dyeland finale sits on the back burner.  For what it's worth, I do like it.  But even as I wrote it I couldn't help but think... what would be really terrible endings to Dyeland?  So I present to you...

Some of the Worst Dyeland Finale Storylines Ever

1.  Monica and Andrew drunkenly get married in Vegas while Dyelanders sob and throw tantrums in the aisle.  Tess performs the ceremony while Vincent strums a guitar and sings "Love Me Tender."  In a white rhinestone-studded jumpsuit.  I swear to you, if a JABB like that is ever released it means one of two things: A.  My identity has been stolen and I'm probly locked in a basement somewhere and I'd really appreciate it if you'd call 911 or B. I have gone completely and utterly insane.  No, not fun insane.  I mean like "my wire hangers tell me government secrets" insane.  And whatta way to upset both TBAA and "Beauty and the Beast" fans!  Blech.  I don't know what's more appalling...  Drunk Vegas Groom Andrew or Elvis Impersonator Vincent.

2.  It's revealed that Dyeland was never real and it was all a dream Andrew had while in a coma after Dean from "Pandora's Box" actually did manage to hit him with that baseball bat.  That's just depressing... 

3.  Dawg and Chiwawa are somehow turned into giants and destroy Dyeland a la King Kong and Mothra.  Also, the entire finale newsletter is written in Japanese and dubbed into English.

4.  Andrew sits in the Dyeland Cafe...  Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" plays in the backgrounds.  A man walks by and gives him a strange look...  Fade to black...  (Ah, there's nothing like making a joke about "The Sopranos" 4 weeks after everyone else did.  ;-)

5.  It's revealed in the very last Dyeland issue that Andrew isn't an angel but actually a deluded patient in an asylum.  Adam is the head physician, Tess and Monica are counselors, and the Dyelanders are all fellow patients.  ::shudders::  Easily the most depressing way to end Dyeland.  But hey, gotta give that farewell in a field and fade-out a run for its money!  Sob...  I still wanna cry every time I think of Andrew disappearing...

6.  The AOD Band breaks up after a terrible fight resulting from Andrew developing a massive ego.  Adam and Henry distance themselves from their former band mate and form a folk duo.  Desperate to best them, Andrew forms a rock band and takes on Vincent as his lead guitarist only because he has awesome rock star head-banging hair.  And as many of you may know there's nothing Vincent likes more than publicity...  Yikes.   The ensuing media panic exposes Dyeland and all the Dyelanders end up on TV tabloids or reality TV shows.  Scary...

And now for something I've been thinking about doing for months now.  I went back and forth on whether to go through with it or not.  But now as I face diminishing time and inspiration, I decided to go with it.  Plus, if ya can't chuckle at the annoying things in life... what can ya do?  So for anyone who ever wondered how Dyeland keeps its computer system free of viruses and other computer problems here goes...

De-Spamming with Andrew

Lady JenniAnn sat in her chamber below New York City where she was spending the summer.  Biting her lip, she stared at the silver pocket watch in her hand.  6:00 PM on the 2nd of July.  She debated whether to remain where she was or continue a routine she'd begun with him years ago.  Him...  Sighing she clapped her pocket watch closed and made her way to the nearest portal from the Tunnels to Dyeland.  Once through she made her way up the stairs and entered the main office at Willowveil Castle.  For a moment she only stared at the slightly bobbing head with its long blonde locks and listened to him hum.  She grinned when she realized it was inexplicably "Video Killed the Radio Star." 

"Are we having an 80s party?  Should I go get my hot pink mini-skirt and leggings?" JenniAnn teased as she announced her presence.

Andrew turned around then and blushed.  "I was a disc jockey during my last assignment on Lite 83- 'Your choice for the most rockin' 80s music!'" he recited in a fake radio voice.  "I guess the song got stuck in my head but, um, hot pink mini-skirt?"

"Relax.  I was 7.  I didn't own a mini-skirt.  Never have, probly never will.  So... how are you?"

"Popular," Andrew smirked.  "I have no fewer than 100 people very concerned about me and offering me, um, pharmaceuticals of a certain type."

JenniAnn reddened, too, then sat down and laughed.  "And I spose they each had extraordinary ways of spelling their product?"

"You would suppose correctly," Andrew answered, hitting his delete key repeatedly, occasionally setting up new blocking rules, and then giving her his attention.  "So how are you and everyone in the Tunnels?"

"Just groovy.  So what else we got going on ye olde abandoned spam-filled JABB email account?"

"No viruses according to the latest scan but this spam email coming into JABB's old main account just can't be stopped!"  Andrew shook his head and as if on cue the computer he sat in front of dinged with notice of an incoming email.  Andrew groaned then looked to JenniAnn.  "Do you have a spare $2,000 I could send to a diplomat from Nigeria so he can transfer his dead boss' money into your bank account for safekeeping?"

JenniAnn giggled.  "Sure thing.  Oh look, you got another one."  She gestured to Andrew's computer as another ding sounded. 

In unison both angel and woman looked at the computer and made nearly identical expressions of dismay.  Then JenniAnn let out a high pitched yelp and with out fully realizing what she was doing her hand flew up in front of Andrew's eyes, blocking his view.  No sooner had she become conscious of her own action than she realized Andrew's hand was poised right over her own eyes.

"Umm... how is this going to work?  JenniAnn, please lower your hand so I can see the mouse and keyboard to delete that," Andrew requested. 


"JenniAnn, be reasonable.  I'm a lot older than you, I've seen a lot, and I'm really not that easily shocked.  Just let me delete the really bad spam and then we'll go get some chai and relax."

"No fair trying to bribe me with chai.  I'm not lowering my hand.  That image in the stupid spam is not angelic in the least.  I'll delete it."

"I don't think so.  It would be ungentlemanly to let you."

"Well, it would be unladylike to let you."

"We can't stay like this.  What are our friends going to think?"

"That we need better spam protection?" she tried. 

Andrew chuckled.  "May be that.  Okay, may be I can remember where the delete key is with out looking..."

Then it was JenniAnn's turn to laugh.  "You're left-handed and, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your left hand poised above my retinas?"

"Nice try, Laja.  I'm actually ambidextrous.  Let's see..."  Andrew fumbled around with the keyboard using his right hand until he heard a thudding noise that indicated something had been deleted.

"Great, now what if you deleted the wrong thing and *it* is still there?" JenniAnn questioned.

"Okay, count of three we both look since *someone* is determined to not let me be chivalrous."

"Hey, I'll let ya slay a mean dragon whenever you want
, Lancelot, but deleting disgusting spam...  Not so much.  Okay...  One..."


In unison, "Three!"

They both stared at the computer, Andrew with a smug smile.  "Ding dong the spam is gone," he sang.

"Please don't tell me you were playing 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead' on your radio show."

Andrew shook his head.  "No, I just like that movie.  I remember when I first saw it in 1939..."

"Wow, that's when it was released.  Ya know, sometimes when ya act all goofy like you've been I have a really hard time believing you're, like, a bazillion years old."

Andrew shook his head and laughed.  "Yes, I'm a bazillion years old.  Congratulations, you figured it out."

"Groovy.  Now... while we pretended to be the Two Stooges, JABB got offered replica watches... which I'm sure have nothing on your superbly awesome pocket watch, by the way... and also means to relieve our truly massive debt and..." she scanned the list further, "fine cigarettes and wine at cheap prices.  May be that's why we have debt.  All those replica watches and cigs and wine we buy," JenniAnn suggested then shook her head at the preposterousness of it.

"Oh definitely because there's nothing angels of death like better than buying knock-offs, cigarettes and wine," Andrew joked.

JenniAnn giggled.  "Gah, who'da thought de-spamming could be such snarky-good fun."

"Oh yes, I don't know what we'd do with out our monthly de-spamming meeting which, come to think of it, why is this our responsibility?"

"Once a princess of Dyeland, always a princess of Dyeland, I guess.  That's why I'm here."

"Like Narnia?"

"Oh sure.  But only if Susan and Lucy had pawned off a huge bulk of their responsibilities to some cute blonde guy, President Andrew.  That's is why you're here, my friend."

Andrew laughed.  "So I was elected so you didn't have as many responsibilities?"

"Sure, why not?  But someone neglected to pawn his duties off on someone else when he resigned so... I guess may be it's more like once a princess OR president of Dyeland, always a de-spammer of Dyeland."

Andrew laughed again.  Then he hit "Send and Receive."  Nothing came.  "You know, we didn't get a single piece of legitimate email.  We haven't, actually, for a couple months.  May be we should just delete this old account."  He looked to JenniAnn to gage her reaction.

JenniAnn's smile faded quickly and she stared down at her hands, beginning to twist one of her rings around her finger nervously.  "Oh well, yeah, that'd make sense.  Sure, if you want."

Andrew frowned and then realized that deleting the old JABB email account would mean an end to these sessions.  At most they'd become 5 minute meetings to ensure the virus scanner hadn't picked anything up.  He shrugged.  "Well, may be we shouldn't.  You never know.  An old member might return and only know that address.  It would be a shame to miss their email because the account they sent it to was gone.  Let's not, okay?"

JenniAnn grinned widely and hugged Andrew.  "I agree!" she cried and then blushed.  It looked terribly stupid to be excited about the opportunity to de-spam an account.  But this de-spamming and the de-briefing over chai tea for her and ginger ale for him was the only guaranteed time they ever had to talk just the two of them.  Other appointments and obligations had fallen by the wayside as she grew more busy and his assignments beckoned.  She snuck a look at Andrew to ensure he wasn't giving her some confused, concerned look.  But he was smiling and she knew he knew that, for her, this wasn't about spam or Internet security.  It was about the talking and the tea and ginger ale.

"Good, then it's a plan.  August 2nd at 6 P.M. I'll be here.  Now... chai?"  Andrew offered.

JenniAnn smiled and nodded and waited for him to shutdown the computer.  Then, together, they walked out to discuss Andrew's latest assignments and the triumphs of the children JenniAnn was working with and the next in Dyeland's never-ending calendar of parties. 

Unbeknownst to them, two figures appeared shortly after they left. 

"Honestly, that boy..." Tess shook her head.  "What is it with him and women?  They all look at him all googly-eyed and I sometimes wonder if Angel Boy spends too much time here.  He really ought to..."

"Aww, Tess," Monica interrupted, "Andrew is kind of cute so you can't blame them.  And he has a good head on his shoulders and Dyeland is such a nice place."

Tess looked at Monica and rolled her eyes.  "And where did that cup of coffee come from?"

"My own Cafe right here in Dyeland.  I told you it was a nice place."  Monica smiled over the rim of her cup, took a sip, and sighed happily.

"Dear Father what am I supposed to do with these Angel Babies?" Tess muttered, looking upward and shaking her head.

"We'll be fine, Tess.  Now come on, my cup's almost empty.  How about a trip to Monica's Cafe?" the younger angel enticed.

Tess put her hands on her hips.  "Haven't you had enough?"

"I've heard they have delicious crullers."

"Well, may be just for a little while."

With that the two friends disappeared. 

This account is brought to you by Monica's Cafe: a great place for friends, angels and their admirers, and crullers.  And in case you haven't guessed your faithful author is majorly craving coffee and a cruller.

Author's note: The spam types represented in this email are all ones really received at JABB's former main account.  Including ones with gross graphics.  Yucky.  Unfortunately, they've also all arrived on my account I use for JABB.  So I decided if I couldn't beat it I might as well have some fun with it!  I was also inspired after reading a fascinating article about how spam is generated.  I opted not to post the link here as I can't recall if it would be PG rated (okay) or PG 13 (possibly not okay).  But if anyone's interested just drop me an email.  I'll hopefully find your email amidst the spam.  ;-)

God bless,

JABB 224

(Font: Echelon)

(Photo Credits: The photographs used on this page are from "Touched by an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon Water Productions.  They are not being used to seek profit.)