would still be music left to write.
else could I do?
so inspired by you.
hasn't happened for the longest time."
from Billy Joel's hit, "For the Longest Time"
My house-moving-into process
continues but, tada!, this time around I
actually managed to calmly sit and write a JABB newsletter.
Didn't have to dig through old files for unused drafts this time!
Yay! I'm pretty psyched as this is the first time in at least a
month I've felt at all inspired while writing JABB. I'll admit, I
was getting a lil concerned that my Androoler abilities were
diminishing but now I no longer fear that. I just needed a lil
free time it would seem.
Anyhow, I hope you enjoy this
one. Next time I hope to be bring
you a two-part issue in honor of our 9th anniversary!
As some may recall, it was about a
year ago that I first started
brainstorming for the JABB/Dyeland finale. My thought was that
once I got a full-time job I wouldn't have much time for JABB and
should have a suitable farewell to the folks of Dyeland ready and
waiting. Well, I got the full-time job and while I have felt
rushed at times, I can't imagine JABB ending terribly soon. So
now the half-finished Dyeland finale sits on the back burner. For
what it's worth, I do like it. But even as I wrote it I couldn't
help but think... what would be really terrible endings to
Dyeland? So I present to you...
Some of the Worst Dyeland Finale
1. Monica and Andrew
married in Vegas while Dyelanders sob and throw tantrums in the
aisle. Tess performs the ceremony while
Vincent strums a guitar
and sings "Love Me Tender." In a white rhinestone-studded
jumpsuit. I swear to you, if a JABB like that is ever released it
means one of two things: A. My identity has been stolen and I'm
probly locked in a basement somewhere and I'd really appreciate it if
you'd call 911 or B. I have gone completely and utterly insane.
No, not fun insane. I mean like "my wire hangers tell me
government secrets" insane. And whatta way to upset both TBAA and
"Beauty and the Beast" fans! Blech. I don't know what's
more appalling... Drunk Vegas Groom Andrew or Elvis Impersonator
2. It's revealed that Dyeland was never real and it was all a
dream Andrew had while in a coma after Dean from "Pandora's Box"
actually did manage to hit him with that baseball bat. That's
3. Dawg and Chiwawa are somehow turned into giants and destroy
Dyeland a la King Kong and Mothra. Also, the entire finale
newsletter is written in Japanese and dubbed into English.
4. Andrew sits in the Dyeland Cafe... Journey's "Don't Stop
Believing" plays in the backgrounds. A man walks by and gives him
a strange look... Fade to black... (Ah, there's nothing
like making a joke about "The Sopranos" 4 weeks after everyone else
5. It's revealed in the very last Dyeland issue that Andrew isn't
an angel but actually a deluded patient in an asylum. Adam is the
head physician, Tess and Monica are counselors, and the Dyelanders are
all fellow patients. ::shudders:: Easily the most
depressing way to end Dyeland. But hey, gotta give that farewell
in a field and fade-out a run for its money! Sob... I still
wanna cry every time I think of Andrew disappearing...
6. The AOD Band breaks up after a terrible fight resulting from
Andrew developing a massive ego. Adam and Henry distance
themselves from their former band mate and form a folk duo.
Desperate to best them, Andrew forms a rock band and takes on Vincent
as his lead guitarist only because he has awesome rock star
head-banging hair. And as many of you may know there's nothing
Vincent likes more than publicity... Yikes. The
ensuing media panic exposes Dyeland and all the Dyelanders end up on TV
tabloids or reality TV shows. Scary...
And now for something I've been
thinking about doing for months
now. I went back and forth on whether to go through with it or
not. But now as I face diminishing time and inspiration, I
decided to go with it. Plus, if ya can't chuckle at the annoying
things in life... what can ya do? So for anyone who ever wondered
Dyeland keeps its computer system free of viruses and other computer
problems here goes...
De-Spamming with Andrew
Lady JenniAnn sat in her
New York City where she was spending the summer. Biting her lip,
she stared at the silver pocket
watch in her hand. 6:00 PM on the 2nd of July. She debated
to remain where she was or continue a routine she'd begun with him
years ago. Him... Sighing she clapped her pocket watch
and made her way to the nearest portal from the Tunnels to
Dyeland. Once through she made her way up the stairs and entered
the main office at Willowveil Castle. For a moment she only
stared at the slightly bobbing head with its long blonde locks and
listened to him hum. She grinned when she realized it was
inexplicably "Video Killed the Radio Star."
"Are we having an 80s party? Should I go get my hot pink
mini-skirt and leggings?" JenniAnn teased as she announced her presence.
Andrew turned around then and
blushed. "I was a disc jockey
during my last assignment on
Lite 83- 'Your choice for the most rockin' 80s music!'" he recited in a
fake radio voice. "I guess the song got stuck in my head but, um,
hot pink mini-skirt?"
"Relax. I was 7. I didn't own a mini-skirt. Never
have, probly never will. So... how are you?"
"Popular," Andrew smirked. "I have no fewer than 100 people very
concerned about me and offering me, um, pharmaceuticals of a certain
JenniAnn reddened, too, then sat down and laughed. "And I spose
they each had extraordinary ways of spelling their product?"
"You would suppose correctly," Andrew answered, hitting his delete key
repeatedly, occasionally setting up new blocking rules, and then giving
her his attention. "So how are you and
everyone in the
"Just groovy. So what else we got going on ye olde abandoned
spam-filled JABB email account?"
"No viruses according to the latest scan but this spam email coming
into JABB's old main account just can't be stopped!" Andrew shook
head and as if on cue the computer he sat in front of dinged with
notice of an incoming email. Andrew groaned then looked to
JenniAnn. "Do you have a spare $2,000 I could send to a diplomat
from Nigeria so he can transfer his dead boss' money into your bank
account for safekeeping?"
JenniAnn giggled. "Sure thing. Oh look, you got another
one." She gestured to Andrew's computer as another ding
In unison both angel and woman looked at the computer and made nearly
identical expressions of dismay. Then JenniAnn let out a high
pitched yelp and with out fully realizing what she was doing her hand
flew up in front of Andrew's eyes, blocking his view. No sooner
had she become conscious of her own action than she realized Andrew's
hand was poised right over her own eyes.
"Umm... how is this going to work? JenniAnn, please lower your
hand so I can see the mouse and keyboard to delete that," Andrew
"JenniAnn, be reasonable. I'm a lot older than you, I've seen a
lot, and I'm really not that easily shocked. Just let me delete
the really bad spam and then we'll go get some chai and relax."
"No fair trying to bribe me with chai. I'm not lowering
hand. That image in the stupid spam is not angelic in the
least. I'll delete it."
"I don't think so. It would be
ungentlemanly to let
"Well, it would be unladylike to let you."
"We can't stay like this. What are our friends going to think?"
"That we need better spam protection?" she tried.
Andrew chuckled. "May be that. Okay, may be I can remember
where the delete key is with out looking..."
Then it was JenniAnn's turn to laugh. "You're left-handed and,
correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your left hand poised above my
"Nice try, Laja. I'm actually ambidextrous. Let's
see..." Andrew fumbled around with the keyboard using his right
hand until he heard a
thudding noise that indicated something had been deleted.
"Great, now what if you deleted the wrong thing and *it* is still
there?" JenniAnn questioned.
"Okay, count of three we both look since *someone* is determined to not
let me be chivalrous."
"Hey, I'll let ya slay a mean dragon whenever you want,
but deleting disgusting spam... Not so
much. Okay... One..."
In unison, "Three!"
They both stared at the computer, Andrew with a smug smile. "Ding
dong the spam is gone," he sang.
"Please don't tell me you were playing 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead' on
your radio show."
Andrew shook his head. "No, I just like that movie. I
remember when I first saw it in 1939..."
"Wow, that's when it was released. Ya know, sometimes when ya act
all goofy like you've been I have a really hard time believing you're,
like, a bazillion years old."
Andrew shook his head and laughed. "Yes, I'm a bazillion years
old. Congratulations, you figured it out."
"Groovy. Now... while we pretended to be the Two Stooges, JABB
got offered replica watches... which I'm sure have nothing on your
superbly awesome pocket watch, by the way... and also means to relieve
massive debt and..." she scanned the list further, "fine cigarettes and
cheap prices. May be
that's why we
have debt. All those replica watches and cigs and wine we buy,"
JenniAnn suggested then shook her head at the preposterousness of it.
"Oh definitely because there's nothing angels of death like better than
buying knock-offs, cigarettes and wine," Andrew joked.
JenniAnn giggled. "Gah, who'da thought de-spamming could be such
"Oh yes, I don't know what we'd do with out our monthly de-spamming
meeting which, come to think of it, why is this our responsibility?"
"Once a princess of Dyeland, always a princess of Dyeland, I
guess. That's why I'm here."
"Oh sure. But only if Susan and Lucy had pawned off a huge bulk
their responsibilities to some cute blonde guy, President Andrew.
That's is why you're here, my friend."
Andrew laughed. "So I was elected so you didn't have as many
"Sure, why not? But someone neglected to pawn his duties off on
someone else when he resigned so... I guess may be it's more like once
a princess OR president of Dyeland, always a de-spammer of Dyeland."
Andrew laughed again. Then he hit "Send and Receive."
Nothing came. "You know, we didn't get a single piece of
legitimate email. We haven't, actually, for a couple
months. May be we should just delete this old account." He
looked to JenniAnn to gage her reaction.
JenniAnn's smile faded quickly and she stared down at her hands,
beginning to twist one of her rings around her finger nervously.
"Oh well, yeah, that'd make sense. Sure, if you want."
Andrew frowned and then realized that deleting the old JABB email
account would mean an end to these sessions. At most they'd
become 5 minute meetings to ensure the virus scanner hadn't picked
anything up. He shrugged. "Well, may be we shouldn't.
You never know. An old member might return and only know that
address. It would be a shame to miss their email because the
account they sent it to was gone. Let's not, okay?"
JenniAnn grinned widely and hugged Andrew. "I agree!" she cried
and then blushed. It looked terribly stupid to be excited about
the opportunity to de-spam an account. But this de-spamming and
the de-briefing over chai tea for her and ginger ale for him was the
only guaranteed time they ever had to talk just the two of them.
Other appointments and obligations had fallen by the wayside as she
grew more busy and his assignments beckoned. She snuck a look at
Andrew to ensure he wasn't giving her some confused, concerned
look. But he was smiling and she knew he knew that, for her, this
wasn't about spam or Internet security. It was about the talking
and the tea and ginger ale.
"Good, then it's a plan. August 2nd at 6 P.M. I'll be here.
Now... chai?" Andrew offered.
JenniAnn smiled and nodded and waited for him to shutdown the
computer. Then, together, they walked out to discuss Andrew's
latest assignments and the triumphs of the children JenniAnn was
working with and the next in Dyeland's never-ending calendar of
Unbeknownst to them, two figures appeared shortly after they
"Honestly, that boy..." Tess shook her head. "What is it with him
and women? They all look at him all googly-eyed and I sometimes
wonder if Angel Boy spends too much time here. He really ought
"Aww, Tess," Monica interrupted, "Andrew is kind of cute so you can't
blame them. And he has a good head on his shoulders and Dyeland
is such a nice place."
Tess looked at Monica and rolled her eyes. "And where did that
cup of coffee come from?"
"My own Cafe right here in Dyeland. I told you it was a nice
place." Monica smiled over the rim of her cup, took a sip, and
"Dear Father what am I supposed to do with these Angel Babies?" Tess
muttered, looking upward and shaking her head.
"We'll be fine, Tess. Now come on, my cup's almost empty.
How about a trip to Monica's Cafe?" the younger angel enticed.
Tess put her hands on her hips. "Haven't you had enough?"
"I've heard they have delicious crullers."
"Well, may be just for a little while."
With that the two friends disappeared.
This account is brought to you by Monica's Cafe: a great
friends, angels and their admirers, and crullers. And in case you
haven't guessed your faithful author is majorly craving coffee and a
Author's note: The spam types represented in this email are all ones
really received at JABB's former main account. Including ones
with gross graphics. Yucky. Unfortunately, they've also all
arrived on my account I use for JABB. So I decided if I couldn't
beat it I might as well have some fun with it! I was also
inspired after reading a fascinating article about how spam is
generated. I opted not to post the link here as I can't recall if
it would be PG rated (okay) or PG 13 (possibly not okay). But if
anyone's interested just drop me an email. I'll hopefully find
amidst the spam. ;-)
(Photo Credits: The photographs used on this page are from "Touched by
an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline Productions, and Moon
Water Productions. They are not being used to seek profit.)