“We have all a
better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other
person can be.”
~ Jane Austen's Mansfield
Welcome to JABB 198. It’s a bit short but that’s okay cause the
last couple have been a bit long. This newsletter was inspired by
some talk on the JABB
list. I really hope you enjoy it. But before we get to that
I have a few announcements.
First, I’d like to draw your attention to the new graphic on the upper
left corner of the Main TOC.
One of your fellow members, Glenda, suggested that JABB make a stance
against hate and bigotry. I agreed that this was a very important
thing and very in keeping with John Dye’s work and values. So
please take a look at our new hate-free mission statement!
Second, I’ve updated the To-Do List.
There are deadlines fast approaching so if you’ve been waiting for a
chance to participate now would be a great time!
Third, I made a welcome page for JABB’s newbies. So if you’re at
all new to our group or just curious you can find the page here.
And now onto the newsletter!
My dear JABBers,
It has come to my attention that there are other JABB members beside
myself who enjoy the works of Jane Austen. Some may have read all
of her completed novels. Some may simply appreciate that with out
her we may not have been treated to the wonderful sight of Colin Firth
jumping into a lake in a flouncy white shirt. Regardless of how
much of an Austen fan you are, I hope you enjoy the following. If
not go watch Colin Firth jump into a lake. And pretend he’s John
Dye. Cause you’re an Androoler, gosh darn it!
With much felicity and deep regard,
Twenty Ways Dyeland Would Be
Different if Jane Austen Took Over
1. Adam would cease worrying about women’s strapless dresses
since Miss Austen would surely not allow such garments in her
writings. Instead, Adam would campaign against corsetry.
2. Our beloved authoress would quickly find herself with severe
writer’s block when she can conceive of no way to introduce Adam and
Andrew since they refuse to give her their surnames nor acknowledge how
many pounds a year they make.
3. JABB would be filled with words such as: amiable, coxcomb,
dowry, impudent, and thither.
would go nearly bald when the whole of Dyeland requests
locks of his hair to be placed in rings and lockets and kissed
5. A chiropractor would be added to Dyeland’s hospital staff when
everyone ends up with sore backs from all the bowing and curtseying
Miss Austen requires of her characters.
6. Miss Austen’s epic dance scenes would become overly long and
quite boring since Andrew and Adam are the only two males available to
7. The name Dyeland itself would no longer do and would be
promptly redubbed Dyelandshire or Dyebourne.
8. Andrew would be forced to, at some point, reveal tragic
circumstances involving a young relation of his being seduced by a
scoundrel. However, unlike, Mr. Darcy and Colonel Brandon (Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility
respectively) this would not win him a wife. However, the
Dyelanders would sit on the stairs and cry in commiseration with him.
9. Miss Austen would eventually resign herself to her
unmarriageable leading men. However, that would not keep her from
indulging her romanticism. So it becomes common practice for
Dyelanders to roam the Fields of Gold, in pouring rain, lamenting
Andrew’s lack of romantic attachment to them. They catch
near-fatal infections in the name of unrequited love. Very
sad. On the plus side, that would keep our dear AODs always
10. Tess would constantly hassle Adam about the necessity of his
marrying off the five Dyelanders dearest to him before the Father calls
11. Andrew would get a greatly annoyed look when he overhears
some clueless character visiting from a Jane Austen novel inquire how
much he stands to inherit upon his father’s passing.
12. Michaelmas would become a required JABB holiday.
Because it’s apparently important to Miss Austen having been mentioned
in five of her six completed novels.
13. Matchmaking would become a vital means of entertainment for
the elder members of Dyeland society. Of course, their merriment
would be marred by the all ready spoken of lack of available men.
Nonetheless, that wouldn’t stop them from saying all manners of
embarrassing things about Adam and Andrew and their supposed
attachments to the fair Dyelanders.
14. Andrew would at least be able to use
have grown rusty since the events depicted in “The Quality of Mercy.”
15. Willoughby from Sense
and Sensibility would wander over to Dyeland. He’d be
promptly chewed out by Tess. See if he tries to seduce any more
16. Miss Austen would be appalled to find that the Dyelander
women do not care as much as some of her own creations about being
accomplished in the arts of dancing, piano playing, singing, and
elocution. Instead, they pride themselves on the number of
Andrew’s lines from TBAA they’ve memorized and their ability to fill
17. Mary Bennet (Pride
and Prejudice) and Gloria would become best friends forever
because of their brainy natures. Mary and Monica would also bond
over their lack of musical talent.
18. Andrew would take to wearing white puffy shirts. Jerry
Seinfeld would visit Dyeland just to make fun of him.
19. A rash of concussions and fractured skulls would result any
time Andrew enters a room when the Austenified Dyelanders take to
20. JABB would stop abruptly when Miss Austen admits, with much
regret, that Dyeland is completely devoid of rich, marriageable young
men and she really can’t write much about two penniless angels and