‘“But I don't want to go among mad people,’ Alice
remarked.
‘Oh, you can't help that,’ said the Cat: ‘we're all mad here. I'm
mad. You're mad.’
‘How do you know I'm mad?’ said Alice.
‘You must be,’ said the Cat, ‘or you wouldn't have come here.’”
from Lewis
Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
Hello everyone!
Welcome to yet another
exciting (??) issue of the John/Andrew Bucket Brigade! This is actually
our last issue before…
DYE
DAY!! 
As usual, we’ll be
celebrating John’s birthday in a chat room. The chat will be on either
Friday February 3rd or Saturday February 4th.
Regardless of the chosen date, it would begin at 7 PM Central time.
Last year it lasted about 4 hours with the number of chatters varying
through that period. So if you can’t be there at the start, don’t
worry! If you are able to participate in the chat please email me with
your preferred date. I will then respond back with whatever date we
settle on and the location. On the 31st (actual Dye Day) I
will post the chat info on www.onthisside.net also.
Hope you can come celebrate John Dye’s 43rd birthday with us!
God bless,
Jenni
This
idea first came to me back in September of last year. I resisted the
urge to do anything with it for fear it might offend some of the fanfic
writers on JABB. However, I decided that we’re all hopefully mature
enough to understand a bit of satire. It’s been my “official” JABB
position that in our storyline Andrew and the other angels do not form
romantic attachments nor can they be killed. My reasoning for this was
because JABB is generally humorous which more or less cuts out the
latter. And I’m just not comfortable with writing lovey-dovey romantic
stuff which takes care of the former. Nevertheless, these themes are
abundant in TBAA fanfic. If such stories bring you joy, happiness,
fulfillment, release, etc. then I think that’s great. But, in the end,
I couldn’t resist the pull to have a lil fun thinking what various
characters (both from TBAA and JABB) might think about these stories.
Big thanks to Jess for all her help co-writing this! So I present…
“Go Ask Andrew”
aka
“When Fanfic Attacks!!”
Adam
walks into a computer lab somewhere in Dyeland. He notices Andrew is
all ready there and staring at a computer screen. His eyes are rather
glazed over and his lips are pursed as if thinking on some big problem.
Adam: Andrew, you okay there?
Andrew: I'm dying.
Adam: What?!
Andrew: Yeah I just got
shot... Oh... yeah... there's the flatline. I'm dead.
Adam: ::plops down into
a
chair in front of the nearest computer:: *What* are you reading?
Andrew: Fanfiction.
Adam: ::hurriedly types
the
url into his own browser:: Hmm... ::begins chuckling::
Andrew: What?
Adam: Look here, Romeo.
Andrew:
::reading:: “Andrew gazed longingly across the room. He couldn't keep
it in any longer. He loved Monica and he was going to show her.”
::pauses:: Uh, no he's NOT. ::starts guzzling ginger ale::
Adam: Oh,
hey you're going into cardiac arrest over here. And, by the way, that
gazing across the room is nothing compared to some of this stuff.
Congrats, you're going to be a father! What's Monica doing slumming
with a guy like you, though? ::devilish grin, grabs own bottle of
ginger ale and taps it against Andrew's::
Andrew: Hey now! At
least
*I*'ve not seduced Gloria. Geez, Adam! What is she five? That's pretty
pervy.
Adam: ::laughs:: Pervy,
Andrew?
Andrew: ::shrugs:: I
heard
some of the girls use the word.
Adam:
::tilts his head and grins then clicks on a link:: Oh… ::reads some
more, laughs hysterically:: This, my friend, is classic. Really… ::is
nearly falling off his chair with laughter and can barely speak::
classic.
Andrew:
::alarmed at Adam’s howling laughter:: What? What is it?
Adam:
::reads the author’s note:: I wrote this story entitled ‘Go Ask
Andrew.’ Y’know, like that song ‘Go Ask Alice.’ Basically Andrew gets
hooked on heroin and some other stuff. It’s written in the first
person from his point of view. ::stops reading and devotes his full
attention to his friend and fakes concern:: I’m afraid I’m going to
need you to roll up your sleeve. I’d like to check for needle-marks.
Andrew:
::rolls his eyes but grins:: Right.
::pulls up “Go Ask Andrew” on his own screen and reads for a minute or
so:: I’ll definitely need another ginger ale. How about you?
Adam:
::clicks off his monitor:: Actually, I have to head out for an
assignment but you have fun. Try not to get high or married or seduce
any one or, I don’t know, get assassinated if you can help it.
Andrew:
Ha ha. ::hugs his friend:: Hope this one goes well. See you later.
::Adam
then disappears and Andrew goes in search of another bottle of ginger
ale, intending to leave the fanfic behind and check his email once he
returns. A couple minutes pass. Lady JenniAnn enters the room to check
her email and goes to the only monitor that’s on. The one Andrew had
been using. She starts reading.::
Lady
JenniAnn: ::voice
trembling:: I had to find my dealer. The withdrawal shakes were
impairing me. I felt like everything around me was whirling. ::she
grows pale and regrets that she’s not seen Andrew since the 6th but
continues reading:: Everywhere I turned I thought I saw Monica but she
was no where. It was a good thing, she’d never want to see this drugged
up mess that was once her friend. ::JenniAnn begins to pace the room,
frantic:: Oh Andrew… Poor, darling Andrew… Why didn’t you say anything?
::Just then Andrew, with
his bottle of ginger ale, reenters the room. JenniAnn sees him and runs
at him.::
JenniAnn:
::weeping:: I… I… saw your blog!!! Oh Andrew… why? WHY?! I love you! I
wouldn’t have been angry! No one would have! We’d get you help!
::Andrew tries to explain but can’t get a word in during her torrent of
misery. She begins twisting her ring around her finger nervously.
JenniAnn’s hysterics begin to die down and she gets a determined glint
in her eye:: Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. I’ll clean out my bank
account. We’ll… we’ll go to Paris and find a rehab clinic and it’ll be
okay. Really it will. And we won’t have to tell anyone. Unless you want
to and… We can say you had to take me to, umm, a mental hospital! No
one has to know! ::hugs him::
::Andrew returns the hug
but is clearly having a jolly good time.::
Andrew:
I think I should explain…
JenniAnn:
This isn’t funny! You’re hurting yourself and I care about you and…
Andrew:
::trying valiantly to say something to calm the poor woman but he just
can’t stop laughing::
JenniAnn:
::horrified:: Are you high right NOW?!
Andrew:
::steps over to the screen and scrolls up, revealing the large,
colorful tbaaff.net logo.:: It’s fan fiction, Lady. Not a blog. So no
need to blow all your hard-earned cash on a trip to Paris for me.
::smiles reassuringly::
::Lady JenniAnn just
stares, agape,
at the monitor and shakes her head. Then her face begins to burn red
and she giggles shyly.::
JenniAnn: Ah… umm… Right. Well…
::Just
then Jess barges in having heard JenniAnn’s crying. She looks
confusedly from Andrew to the red-faced JenniAnn and then to the
computer. She gets a thrilled look on her face as she takes in the
website logo. Excitedly, she sits down to read.::
Jess:
Oh I read this one! This was when…
::Andrew shoots Jess a
warning look and tilts his head to a still weepy-looking JenniAnn::
Jess:
::surreptitiously nods in acknowledgement:: This one was good but I
have a better one. ::leaves tbaaff.net and goes to
lazyreadatthelake.net::
JenniAnn:
::welcoming any distraction from her, now foolish seeming, declaration
of love:: What's this, Jess?
Jess:
::clicks around the web site. Her deftness suggests she knows the site
very well. The reason is made clear when she clicks on a button labeled
“Jess’ fanfic.” She begins to read aloud:: “It was just another average
morning in Pieland as Kess was running frantically to MANdrew's house,
an urgent phone call had startled Kess out of her usual relaxing
slumber.”
::Now JenniAnn and Andrew
give each other bemused looks but then peer down at the screen
themselves::
JenniAnn:
::takes up the reading:: “As Kess came to” ::she stops to giggle at the
name:: “Mandrew’s door she saw PennyAnn was there, frantically throwing
Mandrew’s couch cushions around then dashing into the kitchen and
picking up items like the cookie jar and napkin holder and checking
under them. ‘Where’s Mandrew’s grey and blue flannel shirt?!’ she cried
in anguish.” ::arches her eye brows and stops reading::
Jess:
::calmly picks up the story, disregarding the other two’s confused
looks:: "‘How could you call me, PennyAnn...I thought MANdrew was hurt
or someone really needed help.’"
Andrew:
::for some reason
can’t resist the urge to join in on this:: “Mandrew stepped out of his
room and surveyed his rooms thrown into disarray. He had just been
doing his hair and the effect was magnificent. His gorgeous long hair
glistened like the best of the sun’s golden rays.” ::turns nearly as
red as JenniAnn had just been both from some embarrassment and from
trying to stifle a laugh at the writing.::
JenniAnn:
“The effect was lost on PennyAnn for once, however. She said ‘Mandrew
how could you be styling your hair at a time like this? We have a real
emergency! Your blue and grey flannel shirt is missing and we need to
find it now!!!!’"
Jess:
::the other two seem to have
decided this is a play or something and so she excitedly continues
“performing” her story:: "‘I can't believe you PennyAnn do you honestly
believe this is a crisis? Who cares if Mandrew’s blue and grey flannel
shirt is missing, a real crisis would be if his leather jacket were
missing. Call me when that happens otherwise I think I'll go fishing…’"
Andrew:
::deciding this is funny and has, thankfully, distracted JenniAnn
continues:: “‘Wait Kess, before you go I just wanted to tell you good
bye. I’m going away on assignment for two months to work at a prison.’”
::drifts off when he notices JenniAnn beginning to fidget anxiously::
JenniAnn:
::agitated, she begins reading quickly:: “PennyAnn leapt up from the
floor where she was crouched looking for the shirt amid cereal boxes in
the cabinet. She threw herself at Mandrew and began sobbing.”
Jess:
::not noticing JenniAnn’s melodramatic reaction:: “Kess stops in
mid-step about to react to Mandrew's news when she sees PennyAnn crying
‘Oh PennyAnn how melodramatic... it's not like Mandrew can die or
anything.’"
::Silence. Jess wonders why
the other two have stopped.::
JenniAnn:
I would *never* act like that! I wouldn’t throw myself at Mandrew. Er,
I mean Andrew! Would I? ::she asks Andrew, sure he’ll back her up.::
Jess:
::shoots JenniAnn a look that says “Yeah… right.”::
Andrew:
::shuffles his feet and looking at the ground, desperate not to take
sides and debating whether or not that hug earlier constituted
‘throwing herself’ at him. He decides the story may once again prove a
distraction and continues.:: "‘Don't worry PennyAnn... I’ll be fine and
it might be good to break away from Pieland, just for a bit. Sometimes
people need, well, space.’ He sees PennyAnn isn’t following and just
looks hurt. ‘Umm… alone time? Peace and quiet?’ Mandrew sighs.
‘Sometimes a guy’s gotta find his own shirts for himself!’”
::Andrew
begins to think continuing isn’t such a good idea…::
Jess:
::continues:: "‘Sounds like a plan Man... drew... I hope it all works
for ya but seriously before you go we need to find your flannel shirt
and your leather jacket. Maybe take some nice photos, you just never
know when you need some lovely angel photos in and around Pieland to
remember you while you are gone…’"
Andrew:
::looking from Jess to JenniAnn:: Ya know Jess, this is a great story
but may be…
JenniAnn:
::interrupts, triumphant:: Ha! Kess is just as wacky!! So, Jess, or
shall I say Kess, I see our real live Mandrew here is getting a bit
antsy. But I’m dying to know, where are his jacket and shirt?
Jess:
::with a smile and mischievous twinkle in her eye:: What else? Of
course Kess sold them on Ebay!
JenniAnn:
::thoroughly enjoying herself now:: And who won? Huh? Huh?
Jess:
I believe the leather jacket went to some crazy girl in Canada. The
flannel shirt was won by an obsessed fangirl in Nebraska.
Andrew: ::shaking his head, trying
to think of a way out of this situation. Lucky for him, Jess hits upon
it herself::
Jess:
Hey let's head to the café. My treat this time, k? ::gets up::
JenniAnn:
I’d love that! Jess, I’ll admit you had me a bit worked up for a bit
there. Throwing myself at Andrew? Even if fiction… right! But any story
that ends like that I’ll take. ::grins:: It’s at least better than some
other pervy stuff I’ve come across on different, pervy fanfic sites.
::shivers::
::Jess
steps back, realizing she forgot to close out of the website. Now with
a bit of privacy, JenniAnn touches Andrew’s sleeve and whispers as they
walk out::
JenniAnn:
Umm, you think may be what I said
earlier… ya know when I thought you were high about, umm, love and
Paris and all that could may be…
Andrew:
::grins:: I will
take it to my grave, JenniAnn. After all, I do tend to die a lot
apparently. ::JenniAnn rolls her eyes but smiles as they leave::
Jess:
::turns away from the now turned off computer with a smile and prepared
to say something but realizes she is alone:: Hey wait up guys... why
does this always happen? ::Once again, Jess hurried off to catch up::
Disclaimer:
Just FYI that when JenniAnn referred to “pervy” stories, that reference
was not about anything I’ve come across on fanfiction.net or
touched.com. I don’t get into angel-romance stuff but do not consider
it “pervy.” It was, rather, a reference to a site a JABB member once
told me about that was completely WRONG. I, thankfully, was never even
given the URL. Probably because my “informant” guessed it would send me
on a baseball bat-wielding, computer-bashing spree.
JABB TOC
JABB 184
(Photo Credits: The photographs used on this page are from
"Touched by an Angel" and owned by CBS Productions, Caroline
Productions, and Moon Water Productions. They are not being used
to seek profit.)
