So I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that at least a
sizeable handful of you have seen the new Star Wars movie. If
hope you still enjoy this. But if you don't tune in in two weeks
we definitely will not be talking about Star Wars! But now JABB
Ten Signs George Lucas Has Taken Over JABB
10. Vincent visits Dyeland and finally learns his
father is... you guessed it! Darth Vader!
Andrew secretly marries one of the Dyelanders and fathers twins by
her. He subsequently goes to the dark side. This storyline
JABB to change it's customary PG rating to PG-13.
8. All references to God/ the Father are rendered "The Force."
Andrew starts sporting one of those awesome lil Padawan side
(Don't knock em, I wore one for a bit, long before "The Phantom Menace"
I might add.)
6. Because it's only fair... female Dyelanders are
forcibly made to wear those ridiculous cinnamon roll looking ear muff
5. A mysterious second moon appears in the Dyeland sky...
(cue that scary imperial/Vader music)
4. All second tier Dyeland characters (Cliff, Margherita, etc.)
are replaced with droids.
3. Tess will be painted blue. Or Monica. Really
doesn't matter. But clearly someone will *need* to be painted
blue. Lucas seems to like blue people.
2. Instead of a dove appearing at the end of some newsletters,
the peko-peko will.
1. Chiwawa loses his place as JABB mascot to a vaguely ethnic,
gangly alien named Jab Jab Binks.
Well, if Mr. Lucas took over our fandom, it's only fair that
he'd let us play with the world he created. So here's what it
look like if JABB redid the Star Wars films.
Ten Signs the JABB Authors Have Taken Over Star Wars
10. Andrew is featured prominently in all Jedi counsel
In the parts we were too lazy to actually redo, we'd just digitally add
footage of John Dye walking into a scene, shooting a million dollar
smile, waving, and walking off stage.
8. At some point our new Anakin (John) will participate in a "Who
has better hair?" contest with Chewy. He will win, natch.
John reprises his role as Virgil Keller in the end credits of the
original trilogy and waxes philosophic about the Buddhist references in
6. Similarly, John appears as Doc Hock and discusses how
the Vietnam War impacts George Lucas' story during the end credits of
5. Natalie Portman and Hayden Christiansen are
replaced. John is cast as Anakin and various JABBers film scenes
Padme. Also, the rest of the movie is set in a resort and
lots of running around on beaches and sunlit walks and... "Dark
There's no dark side! Get me a Bahama Mama, poolside please!"
4. Yoda says things like "Androoling, good thing is" and "Drool
buckets, overflowing are."
We'll insert Adam for Lando and have him betray Andrew (subbing in for
Han Solo) over to the Empire. We'll have to decide on something
hardcore than carbon freezing for our own mental well-being. But
will all be done for the sole purpose of allowing various JABBers to
step into the Princess Leia role, tell Andrew "I love you" and elicit
the famed "I know".
2. Yeah... "slave costumes" will be promptly banned.
Jawas will be digitally erased from the films owing to their reminding
Andrew a bit too much of that lil reaper kid from "The Sky is
Falling." They will be replaced by over-sized hamsters.
over-sized hamsters seem like a nice touch.
Well, that was fun. Quite the walk down memory
lane. In addition
to those thanked above, gotta give credit to the Star Wars Databank:
Cause I'll admit I had no idea until I wrote this what a
was nor how Jawa was spelled. That's a pretty darn amazing
Kinda makes me want to redo the whole JABB Encyclopedia... but I
won't. Yet... :-) Anyhow, if you don't understand any
of the above
and want to, that site should help. It'll also help if you want
know what a Whiphid is, where Mos Espa is located, or who has the
prettiest lightsabers. I'm going with Mace Windu's. Cause I
(Photo Credits: The photograph used on this page is from "Tour of Duty"
and owned by New World Television. It is not being used to seek