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"Star Wars Cantina"

Hi all, welcome to the latest JABB newsletter.  Really, how'd we ever settle on "newsletter"?  There's precious lil news in these things...  Ah well, it's tradition so newsletter it is!  Anyhow, I've not viewed "Heart of the Beholder" yet so we won't be touching on that in this newsletter.  Hopefully next time but we shall see.  So since I couldn't write about John's latest film, I thought I'd take on one of the season's biggest hits.  I'd like to thank Jennie for her help (especially of the spelling variety) and inspiration on these.  Also my brother who sorta dragged me to the latest installment.  He'd probly be horrified by what I've written but what else do we live for except to bug our brothers?  :-)
God bless

So I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that at least a sizeable handful of you have seen the new Star Wars movie.  If not, I hope you still enjoy this.  But if you don't tune in in two weeks when we definitely will not be talking about Star Wars!  But now JABB presents...
Top Ten Signs George Lucas Has Taken Over JABB

10.  Vincent visits Dyeland and finally learns his father is... you guessed it!  Darth Vader!

9.  Andrew secretly marries one of the Dyelanders and fathers twins by her.  He subsequently goes to the dark side.  This storyline forces JABB to change it's customary PG rating to PG-13.

8.  All references to God/ the Father are rendered "The Force."

7.  Andrew starts sporting one of those awesome lil Padawan side braids.  (Don't knock em, I wore one for a bit, long before "The Phantom Menace" I might add.)

6.  Because it's only fair... female Dyelanders are forcibly made to wear those ridiculous cinnamon roll looking ear muff braids.

5.  A mysterious second moon appears in the Dyeland sky...  (cue that scary imperial/Vader music)

4.  All second tier Dyeland characters (Cliff, Margherita, etc.) are replaced with droids.

3.  Tess will be painted blue.  Or Monica.  Really doesn't matter.  But clearly someone will *need* to be painted blue.  Lucas seems to like blue people. 

2.  Instead of a dove appearing at the end of some newsletters, the peko-peko will. 

1.  Chiwawa loses his place as JABB mascot to a vaguely ethnic, gangly alien named Jab Jab Binks.

Well, if Mr. Lucas took over our fandom, it's only fair that he'd let us play with the world he created.  So here's what it would look like if JABB redid the Star Wars films.
Top Ten Signs the JABB Authors Have Taken Over Star Wars
10.  Andrew is featured prominently in all Jedi counsel scenes.

9.  In the parts we were too lazy to actually redo, we'd just digitally add footage of John Dye walking into a scene, shooting a million dollar smile, waving, and walking off stage.

8.  At some point our new Anakin (John) will participate in a "Who has better hair?" contest with Chewy.  He will win, natch.

7.  John reprises his role as Virgil Keller in the end credits of the original trilogy and waxes philosophic about the Buddhist references in the films.

6.  Similarly, John appears as Doc Hock and discusses how the Vietnam War impacts George Lucas' story during the end credits of Episode Three.

5.  Natalie Portman and Hayden Christiansen are replaced.  John is cast as Anakin and various JABBers film scenes as Padme.  Also, the rest of the movie is set in a resort and involves lots of running around on beaches and sunlit walks and...  "Dark side?  There's no dark side!  Get me a Bahama Mama, poolside please!"

4.  Yoda says things like "Androoling, good thing is" and "Drool buckets, overflowing are."

3.  We'll insert Adam for Lando and have him betray Andrew (subbing in for Han Solo) over to the Empire.  We'll have to decide on something less hardcore than carbon freezing for our own mental well-being.  But this will all be done for the sole purpose of allowing various JABBers to step into the Princess Leia role, tell Andrew "I love you" and elicit the famed "I know".

2.  Yeah... "slave costumes" will be promptly banned.

1.  Jawas will be digitally erased from the films owing to their reminding Andrew a bit too much of that lil reaper kid from "The Sky is Falling."  They will be replaced by over-sized hamsters.  Just cause over-sized hamsters seem like a nice touch.
Well, that was fun.  Quite the walk down memory lane.  In addition to those thanked above, gotta give credit to the Star Wars Databank:
Cause I'll admit I had no idea until I wrote this what a peko-peko was nor how Jawa was spelled.  That's a pretty darn amazing site!  Kinda makes me want to redo the whole JABB Encyclopedia... but I won't.  Yet...  :-)  Anyhow, if you don't understand any of the above and want to, that site should help.  It'll also help if you want to know what a Whiphid is, where Mos Espa is located, or who has the prettiest lightsabers.  I'm going with Mace Windu's.  Cause I like purple.  :-)


Newsletter 166

(Photo Credits: The photograph used on this page is from "Tour of Duty" and owned by New World Television.  It is not being used to seek profit.)