Click Here to Listen
"We've Only Just Begun"
by the Carpenters
Hello! I hope you enjoy this issue. I also hope it's one of the last ones dealing with TBAA going off the air. But apparently I have to take what ideas I can get. Just be glad I didn't send you all a copy of my Colin Firth Appreciation Rules. :-) Anyhow, I feel like this is the most bizarre issue I'll ever send (barring the Midsummer parody which makes me want to bang my head into a wall) but I hope you enjoy it.
We'd like to introduce you to a whole different world, not Dyeland and not Earth. No, today we invite you to enter the dream world of Miss Jane Doe Androoler. Miss Androoler dearly misses her weekly dose of TBAA. In fact, she spent all last week going through the reruns and watching episode after episode. She should have known it would effect her dreams. This is her dream...
A round table with nine chairs sits in a grand hall one Sunday night. The room is silent until a large clock starts to chime 7:00 PM. Immediately men start filtering into the room and wander around a bit. The first to enter is wearing jeans, a white T-shirt, and a khaki shirt. He walks over to a staircase, sits there a bit and tears up before settling at the table. The second man enters wearing a red T-shirt and khaki shorts. The third is really a sight in his old-fashioned clothes and lengthy sideburns. The fourth man looks around suspiciously and carries a baseball bat at his side. A fifth man is sporting a tool belt and immediately begins inspecting the water fountain in the corner of the room. Eventually, he also sits at the table with the others. Yet another man, this one wearing what looks an awful lot like a karate outfit, steps towards the table and takes a seat. Last to enter and be seated is a man with the beginnings of a beard who quietly brushes away some tears and looks around as if waiting for someone who has yet to appear. This isn't just any club or meeting or society. All these men are nearly identical. And none of them is human...
First "man": Wow, well this is interesting my fellow Andrews. All of us here at once like this. But, you have to tell me, what happened to our hair?! I took good care of it all through Season Three and for what?! Andrew Five what did *you* do!?
Andrew Five: I thought we needed a change. I mean we've had that long hair for centuries! Besides, I had to tend to these sideburns they made me grow for the Lincoln episode. That gave me enough trouble.
Andrew Six: You call *that* trouble?!? You try having some Internet sicko come at you with a bat! But I turned the tables on him! No more computer!
Andrew Seven: Well I faced Satan head on!
Andrew Four: That's nothing special. I did the same.
Andrew Seven: Yeah but was he in the form of a lion and was it Halloween? (All the Andrews shutter at the mention of that holiday).
Andrew Four: Well... no. But I did have to work at a summer camp. And, I might add, I took good care of the hair also.
Andrew Three: Sure you did! Until you chopped it right at the end of your term!
Andrew Nine: Gentlemen, please! Can we get off the subject of the hair? You could lose worse things than a few inches of hair. Like looking forward to working with your friends nearly everyday... (starts to sniffle and the rest get really quiet).
Andrew Three: Nine, you are very right. We were foolish to be so concerned with hair. And I'm sure you'll still see Monica and Tess and Gloria soon. Also, we're all really honored you gave our watch to Monica. (smiles comfortingly) Okay so I know there's no Andrew One. We weren't in season one of the show but has anyone seen Andrew Two?
(All shake their heads. Suddenly the door is thrown open and yet another Andrew enters, this one dancing about with an umbrella and sporting an earring.)
Andrew Two: Hey! Wow, it's like being in a hall of mirrors! Camp counselor Andrew. Uhh... plumber Andrew. Sideburns Andrew. Karate Kid Andrew!
Andrew Eight: (sighs) This is not a karate outfit! I happened to have helped protect the Ark. This is my uhh... Heavenly outfit. Yes, that's right.
Andrew Two: Fine, then Heavenly Outfit Andrew. Doesn't quite have the same ring... You know, someone should market some dolls. We could be cuter, masculine Barbies.
Andrew Three: (sighs even louder than Andrew Eight) You're late. We're about half way through.
Andrew Two: I like coming when things are half-way over. Hey, I just met this wonderful angel during a a class reunion on a train. Her name was Monica.
Andrew Seven: Don't be ridiculous. You've known Monica since the 1800s at least. I should know. I went treasure hunting with her.
Andrew Four: You're both wrong. Monica didn't know about me til 1909 when I came to the Twain household.
Andrew Nine: (whispering) Monica...
Andrew Three: (looks concerned at Andrew Nine) Listen, all three of you need to give it a rest. We didn't come here to squabble about who met who when and how we should wear our hair. We came here to discuss our fans.
Andrew Two: We have fans?
Andrew Nine: Yes, lots of them. But now...
Andrew Eight: With TBAA off the air we worry they'll think we've gone away.
Andrew Two: They have reruns. They can watch me hang out with Jazz legends and help lost children.
Andrew Three: And me painting murals and trying to get Tony's father to reconcile with him on Christmas.
Andrew Four: And me going on our first date and... walking dogs. (smiles sheepishly)
Andrew Five: And me skipping stones on Lake Paradise and holding babies and meeting Petey for the first time.
Andrew Six: And they'll see me as a heartbroken but steadfast farmhand. We got an angelic revelation ourselves that time. (smiles and turns towards Andrew Nine and speaks to him directly). You'll see her again, Andrew. (Andrew Nine smiles and nods, comforted).
Andrew Seven: They'll also be able to remember me, playing piano for Billie and drinking ginger ale with Adam.
Andrew Eight: And I suppose they can think back on me. Counseling married couples and hanging out with the Ark. Rather like Indiana Jones. (grins)
Andrew Nine: And then, finally, they will remember me. Saying good bye. (stares down at his hands for a bit, looking quite sad. Suddenly, glances across the table, towards an empty chair he has just now noticed). Why is there a 9th chair? There were only eight of us.
Andrew Three: Maybe someone is running really late.
Andrew Six: No... We have everyone here. The Andrews of seasons 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. That's eight. There is no 9th. And never will be I'm afraid.
(Suddenly the entrance to the hall flies open and there is blinding light)
A voice: Fear not Andrew Six. Fear not, fellow Andrews. It is me, Andrew 10! (light starts to fade away).
Andrew Nine: Ten?! But the show ended.
Andrew Ten: Did it? Perhaps it's only just begun, Andrews. We have many fans and as time goes on they will continue to create new stories for us. Maybe I'll even get thrown into jail yet! (smiles broadly as the others laugh). Maybe we'll meet Dr. Kate again. Andrew Four, you did promise her to return for dinner.
Andrew Four: Yes, I did. I thought I wouldn't get the chance...
Andrew Ten: You'll get plenty of chances, believe me. (looks especially at Andrew Nine) And you'll be reunited with Monica and Tess and Gloria countless times. Andrew Six, I can see you staring at me. What's on your mind?
Andrew Six: It's just... well, how come you got all that light when you came in? Half the time when I'd make a revelation scene I looked like I was only being lit up by some guy holding a flashlight over my head.
Andrew Ten: The fans give me light. They don't have to consider the costs of special effects. No more dim lighting for us! And no more dog-walking! Andrews, we'll be around for a very, very long time... Where Androolers are, Andrew can be found.
And with those words, Miss Androoler woke up, comforted that Andrew's story was not yet finished. She hopes you feel the same.