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"From a Distance" by Bette Midler
Hello all! Welcome to our first post-election newsletter. Thank you to those who voted, we are happy to announce that Andrew has been re-elected although it was a very close race. Congratulations to him and to the other candidates for a very competitive race.
Also, last time we experienced some problems with AOL members not getting email sent from my earthlink address. So I am now sending to AOL members from this address and also from my Yahoo address. If you end up with two copies, please let me know and I will remove you from one of the lists so you only get one copy. Thanks! Now, onto the newsletter!
Top Ten Ways to Tell You're Not Dealing Well with TBAA's Cancellation (or whatever it was)
10. Unhappy about losing the fake Andrew, you've placed patented AOD-traps at area hospitals, hoping to meet the real one. The Psych ward has become *real* interested in your behavior.
9. Knowing John's appreciation for Elvis, you try and convince the King to hold a comeback concert in your city to lure John. Unfortunately, you are repeatedly told "Elvis left the building a long time ago." *
8. You've placed the following personal ad in your local paper:
Be My Angel Boy
Lonely, seeking angel of death for companionship.
I enjoy walking dogs, crying on stairs, and
busting up computers belonging to perverts.
If your name is Andrew and this description fits you,
please call X5555. Long hair, short hair,
facial hair and other accepted.
7. Having been inspired by the movie "Bowfinger", you follow John and the other actors around and have random friends run up to them and say lines from the script you have supplied hoping John and the like will answer as you have predicted. You then take that footage home, edit it, and begin producing new episodes of TBAA in this manner.
6. In your endeavors to return Andrew to the airwaves you have suffered any of the following: a broken leg, sprained wrist, head trauma, heat exhaustion, lost a finger, a black eye, or sternalgia. #
5. All knowledge of Andrew, John, Dyeland, or anything related to them has become very confused in your mind. Symptoms may be thinking that Long-Haired Andrew and Short-Haired Andrew are two distinct entities or saying things as nonsensical as "Kiwi really is a wondyeful person. Warm, caring, supportive, the best type of friend you could ever have."*
4. You refuse to leave your room and are having a candle-lit vigil until Andrew is returned to the air waves. While in your room, you only watch TBAA episodes and write complaint letters to Les Moonves.
3. In a strange twist on Miss Havisham, you have bought a large house and wear only TBAA T-shirts and hats as you ramble about waiting for Andrew's return.
2. You have not stopped staring at the TV screen where you saw the final episode of TBAA and are convincing yourself this is just an extremely long commercial break.
1. WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! Where is ANDREW?!? I WANT ANDREW!!! AAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDRRRREEEEEWWWWW!!!!!!!
Now I'm sure you are all sick and tired of the endless YKYAAAW jokes (For you laymen, that's You Know You Are An Androoler When...), so I now present to you for the very first time .... <dramatic pause> .... <another dramatic pause> ...... <last one, I promise> .... YKYANAAW (You Know You Are NOT An Androoler When....)
You Know You Are NOT An Androoler When....
You constantly find yourself saying "John? Who's that?"
You've never even heard of JABB!
Words such as Democratic Presidentialprincessdom and Dyeland are not in your vocabulary.
You find out that Touched by an Angel has gone off the air and the only thing you have to say is "Touched by a who? Sounds like a good porn."~
Two words. Darth Maul.
A tool belt has no effect on you.
Dye Day is when you (or your wife) dye your hair.
You have a son named Andrew but it is merely a coincidence.
How a talking Chihuahua relates to Andrew/John is a complete enigma# for you.
"You can catch more JABBers with Andrew than Vincent." and other Dyeland colloquialisms# make no sense to you.
Special thanks to Sara and Jennifer for challenging us to fit words and sentences into this JABB issue. Sara's sentences can be identified by the * symbol. And Jennifer's words are identified by the # symbol.
~ If I had a dollar for every time I heard *that* joke... Well, umm... I'd have 17 dollars.