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"Stand by Me"
Hey everyone! Wow, 100 issues!! Hard to believe. Just because we're all so excited and, admittedly, really surprised we've decided not to write this issue and go celebrate instead. So, we present you with a "Reader's Digest" version of an essay someone wrote about our little country. Enjoy.
*~*~*
Call me Ishmael. No, no that's not
right. It was the best of times it
was the worst... No. In the beginning God... Geez, all the good
beginnings are taken. Well, who cares anyway? My stupid editor sent me
to this reality-forsaken land to write the history of J.A.B.B. as it
approaches its hundredth issue. Well, here it is, for what it's worth.
I suppose the story starts when God got it into his all-knowing mind
that he needed a new angel. So he created Andrew. An angel that would
later become an angel of death after Lincoln was killed. He was kind,
considerate, emotional, and had a propensity to drive females a little
mad on account of his looks and winning personality. Of course, this
wouldn't reach its peak until centuries after his creation. Seems one
day someone got it into their head that there needed to be a TV show
about angels. Somehow they got word of this trio that had been making
their way around the world helping humans. A couple years into the show
they decided to add the remaining member of the trio into the show.
They hired an actor named John Dye and... hysteria broke loose. It
reached a new high (or maybe low) when a group of AOLers decided to
form a support group to "help" his wayward, obsession-ridden fans. Of
course, it was all a guise. They promoted obsession in the name of
sanity, hysteria in the name of normalcy. They devoted top tens,
stories, Jeff Foxworthy rip-off jokes and more to this angel and the
actor who portrayed him. At some point they even got their selves a
country and named it Dyeland. That is when the trouble began...
You see, once they began the process of making Dyeland habitable they
went crazy. Everyone wanted to live in the Palace where their beloved
Andrew was going to live. But that was just not possible. So they set
forth a plan to have more homes built. At first Dyeland was set up in
two quadrants, East and West. Now to this day it is still the same,
except the two islands now have names. They are as follows: Asteri
which was formerly West Dyeland, Ilios which was East Dyeland. Now in
the Northern part of Dyeland, it really isn't that conducive a
climate for living. There is fog all the time and it really clogs up
the senses. They have their own set of laws that you must abide by. It
really does not seem that difficult either because unlike our laws they
only have eleven to follow. Now before the laws were put into effect
Dyeland was a frightening place to live. Though the overall appearance
was of peace and tranquility, the heart of Dyeland was in peril. All of
the inhabitants fought over who got to live by, see, exist with, talk
to and so on and so forth Andrew, the Angel of Death. After Princess
JenniAnn - Do I really have to call
them princesses?! OMG! This is so
ludicrous. After Princess JenniAnn found a solution to that
problem, a
horrible secret stirred its ugly head.
Bound within the walls of Dyeland lived the scariest, most hideous
creature ever to live. This creature lives in a forest, now called the
Forbidden Forrest because someone decided that instead of taking care
of the problem, she would just avoid it and have others do the same.
The Forbidden Forest is home to the local witch and other such
monstrosities. Steer clear! - Wait!
Did they really just "forbid" this
area in their own fantasy created world? Couldn't they have just
imagined away the threats? Wouldn't that have made more sense? Some
people are just so s-anyhow back to the story.
With the threats now avoided, Dyeland had time to grow and prosper.
However, soon another threat arose again and again and again. Princess
JenniAnn went insane! She got a fake note saying Andrew was in danger
and
went out of her mind trying to protect him. She even sent Andrew's body
guard out to spy on him. -What a
dyemented mind! Oh no! I'm even
starting to talk like them. Can you believe this imaginary world has
its own language where the term "dye" is inserted wherever feasible? -
The body guard returned sometime later confused and well confused. What
did Princess JenniAnn have to say for herself? "Oops."
Life in Dyeland, despite these little flaws has been quite nice. No
fights have broken out, no killings or such. It seems their 11
short rules have worked wonders. Perhaps more governments should look
into their simplistic set of laws. Then again, this is only a fairytale
world. Maybe a sudden outbreak of "Andrew-Dye-Tess" will break out and
this world will go away!!
Hey JenniAnn, isn't it about
time we found a new narrator?
--You don't
scare me! I don't need your stinkin' job anyway. -
Whatever.