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"Stand by Me"
Hey everyone! Wow, 100 issues!! Hard to believe. Just because we're all so excited and, admittedly, really surprised we've decided not to write this issue and go celebrate instead. So, we present you with a "Reader's Digest" version of an essay someone wrote about our little country. Enjoy.
Call me Ishmael. No, no that's not right. It was the best of times it was the worst... No. In the beginning God... Geez, all the good beginnings are taken. Well, who cares anyway? My stupid editor sent me to this reality-forsaken land to write the history of J.A.B.B. as it approaches its hundredth issue. Well, here it is, for what it's worth.
I suppose the story starts when God got it into his all-knowing mind that he needed a new angel. So he created Andrew. An angel that would later become an angel of death after Lincoln was killed. He was kind, considerate, emotional, and had a propensity to drive females a little mad on account of his looks and winning personality. Of course, this wouldn't reach its peak until centuries after his creation. Seems one day someone got it into their head that there needed to be a TV show about angels. Somehow they got word of this trio that had been making their way around the world helping humans. A couple years into the show they decided to add the remaining member of the trio into the show. They hired an actor named John Dye and... hysteria broke loose. It reached a new high (or maybe low) when a group of AOLers decided to form a support group to "help" his wayward, obsession-ridden fans. Of course, it was all a guise. They promoted obsession in the name of sanity, hysteria in the name of normalcy. They devoted top tens, stories, Jeff Foxworthy rip-off jokes and more to this angel and the actor who portrayed him. At some point they even got their selves a country and named it Dyeland. That is when the trouble began...
You see, once they began the process of making Dyeland habitable they went crazy. Everyone wanted to live in the Palace where their beloved Andrew was going to live. But that was just not possible. So they set forth a plan to have more homes built. At first Dyeland was set up in two quadrants, East and West. Now to this day it is still the same, except the two islands now have names. They are as follows: Asteri which was formerly West Dyeland, Ilios which was East Dyeland. Now in the Northern part of Dyeland, it really isn't that conducive a climate for living. There is fog all the time and it really clogs up the senses. They have their own set of laws that you must abide by. It really does not seem that difficult either because unlike our laws they only have eleven to follow. Now before the laws were put into effect Dyeland was a frightening place to live. Though the overall appearance was of peace and tranquility, the heart of Dyeland was in peril. All of the inhabitants fought over who got to live by, see, exist with, talk to and so on and so forth Andrew, the Angel of Death. After Princess JenniAnn - Do I really have to call them princesses?! OMG! This is so ludicrous. After Princess JenniAnn found a solution to that problem, a horrible secret stirred its ugly head.
Bound within the walls of Dyeland lived the scariest, most hideous creature ever to live. This creature lives in a forest, now called the Forbidden Forrest because someone decided that instead of taking care of the problem, she would just avoid it and have others do the same. The Forbidden Forest is home to the local witch and other such monstrosities. Steer clear! - Wait! Did they really just "forbid" this area in their own fantasy created world? Couldn't they have just imagined away the threats? Wouldn't that have made more sense? Some people are just so s-anyhow back to the story.
With the threats now avoided, Dyeland had time to grow and prosper. However, soon another threat arose again and again and again. Princess JenniAnn went insane! She got a fake note saying Andrew was in danger and went out of her mind trying to protect him. She even sent Andrew's body guard out to spy on him. -What a dyemented mind! Oh no! I'm even starting to talk like them. Can you believe this imaginary world has its own language where the term "dye" is inserted wherever feasible? - The body guard returned sometime later confused and well confused. What did Princess JenniAnn have to say for herself? "Oops."
Life in Dyeland, despite these little flaws has been quite nice. No fights have broken out, no killings or such. It seems their 11 short rules have worked wonders. Perhaps more governments should look into their simplistic set of laws. Then again, this is only a fairytale world. Maybe a sudden outbreak of "Andrew-Dye-Tess" will break out and this world will go away!!
Hey JenniAnn, isn't it about time we found a new narrator?
--You don't scare me! I don't need your stinkin' job anyway. -